12.12.2021 | “Lately, I’ve been feeling all worn out…”

Lyrics: “Faithful Son” ~ Frank Turner, 2009

I’m going from being lazy to keeping sort of busy to being lazy again. There are so many things I feel I should be doing. So many ways I feel I should behave or rather not behave. Grief is such a weird thing. And it’s not just grief, it’s also this heavy end-of-another-plague-year exhaustion.

This afternoon I took my magazines, laptop, snacks and all over to my mum’s house. I have no idea when I’ll stop calling it my mum’s house. It’s 1/3 my house now. I still can’t quite wrap my mind around that. So much to think about and discuss and plan and… ugh! Anyway, I made use of the dryer (and washer before that), because I had a big batch of laundry. While the cycles were spinning I spent some time tentatively planning some activities for my vacation by the sea next week. Booked myself a long massage at a spa next door to the apartment complex. Checked out if it’s easily doable and worth it to drive to the city about 30 minutes away from the beach for some sightseeing, shopping and such. Still undecided about that to be honest. I guess I’ll be spontaneous once I’m up there.

I also spent some time reading up on all the formalities that follow the death of someone. All the things we need to cancel or institutions we need to inform and all that. I’m glad there is more than just me to take care of that.

I still experience myself as a bit detached from it all. And at the same time I experience sad or at least wistful emotions creeping up on me over tiny things. I guess that’s the ordinary process of grief. I don’t know. I think my mind has blocked out all the emotions I felt when my dad died 32 years ago.

This is a downer blog, I’m sorry. But that’s where I am emotionally at the moment. And the state of the pandemic and how we all are handling (or not handling) it doesn’t help my mood either… Five more days till I’m back at the sea. That’s what I need to focus on.

Floral arrangement on the grave...
Floral arrangement on the grave…

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