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Lyrics: “Little Changes” – Frank Turner, 2018

Recently I pondered how much my writing here has changed over the years. How much I have limited myself for some reason. Some change might have been inevitable. Some surprise me in hindsight. I have written so much more when I started with blogging over two decades ago. I’m not even talking about the oversharing, which I think I might have done to some degree. There is a reason why I’ve taken older blogs and/or posts offline or set to private these days. But I also put down and shared more thoughts in general. About books and movies and TV shows. About politics on local or global level and anything else really.

When I start thinking about what I could / should / want to write about I have too many “open tabs” in my mind so to speak and can’t make up my mind to just start with one of those things. Even before putting down one single word I’m worried that the post won’t be any good and not as “perfect” as the critical nagging part in my mind wants it to be. Thus in the end I don’t write anything at all.

These days I also don’t want to spend more time than necessary in front of a computer screen, especially when I’m doing several one-hour video meetings per day for the next two or so weeks. I might be exaggerating here, but that’s what it feels like.

I’ve radically changed my digital news consumption or at least I’m trying to. I’ve deleted the over 200 saved (and sorted in various folders) links to all kinds of online articles from my bookmark app, because I’ll never catch up. I’ve unsubscribed from most newsletters, because after years of already using an RSS feed for some websites, I finally realized I can probably subscribe to most of the newsletter providers as well. I usually put links from the newsletters into the bookmark app. Now I see the article headlines compiled in my feed reader and can then decide if I want to read them or not. For the next few weeks the answer more often than not will probably be “no, don’t bother reading it”. I am determined to either read an interesting article right away, or try to do it on the day I save the link or at least after one week. If I haven’t bothered reading it then I’ll delete it. That’s the plan for now anyway…

In the past few months I’ve gone back to buy print newspapers or news magazines on occasion. Years ago I had subscriptions for some of those until I thought / decided I don’t have the time to read them. I’m now back to trying that again and t actually get some news and information in a long(er) read format. I know I could also do that digitally, but as I stated above, I don’t want to spend all the time in front of a screen. I also think it might help to tamp down the constant urge to check for news (and commentary and analysis) through online media 24/7. Yes, I can follow a live ticker / daily updae of all the horrible decisions being made in Washington and/or Berlin these days. But does that really help me to make sense of it?

On social media (Instagram only these days if I’m honest) I’m a bit torn whom to follow and how to follow it all. I did a bit of purge to focus more on overall news reporting / analysis, but on the other hand still find myself following various politics adjacent accounts: political parties, members of parliament, NGOS, activists. And even though they all provide valid and relevant content, which I appreciate in general, it all more often than not is reduced to 30 – 90 seconds, sometimes a few minutes video, which to me can never properly convey all the aspects of any issue / topic / policy / event whatever is going on at the moment. So I might need another purge of Instagram accounts to follow soon.

I’m also much better at absorbing information if I read it and not if someone tells me about it on in a video format. In the day and age of youtubers, podcasters and influencers this makes me feel quite ancient, but so be it.

Man, did this post take turns I didn’t even intend to. Anyway, I’m determined to write more. Again. Maybe shorter posts. More photos. Whatever. Watch this space for my thoughts on the “Lottery Winners” gig I went to in Cologne last night. The movies I’ve been to recently. And anything else, really.

Lyrics: “Pass It Along” – Frank Turner, 2011

It’s been a bit over a week since I joined about 10.000 people on a pilgrimage to Alexandra Palace – the only not royal palace in England (according to the man on stage, I haven’t verified it) – to see Frank Turner play his 3000th show. Three thousand! That sounds like a lot. And it is, even though there are supposed to be bigger bands who have played even more. I do think though, that those bands have been around for even longer than Frank has been doing this as under his own name and not as part of a band.

Anyway: I’ve been along for the ride since show 1447, so you could say I’ve been along for over half of it! Which only is a valid statement if you consider the number of show or the length of time, of course. Frank played his first solo show 21 years ago. I first saw him almost 12.5 years ago, which is over half the time ago. I’ve not seen half of the shows. Only 2.46 % of his total. Or 4.76% of the ones he played since my first show. But numbers don’t mean anything really. (It’s been my show 74, for those who are interested)

These days at a regular (not festival) gig I try to be up front at the barrier more often than not, but I knew I would not consider that for this show. I also was coming with a friend, who isn’t interested in being up front, so we stayed back near the sound desk. And to be honest, I was fine with that, because 10.000 people in a standing room is a lot of people in a vast space. I don’t know if it’s still a bit of underlying “Pandemic PTSD” but the crowd that night made me a tiny bit anxious. Fo no reason really, the corner where we ended up in, was not rowdy at all and a good place to be. 

I admit for some reason I had expected a bit more of a “greatest hits” set for this celebratory occasion, but I can see that for Frank himself it also made sense to treat this one as almost a regular gig. He does this for a living and he is still touring the latest album, so the set mostly was a regular current tour set, which was fine by me.

After the show numbers countdown Frank came out with just his guitar and played the first two songs solo with a lot of old photos from the early days shown on the screens (behind the stage and left and right). Even though I wasn’t a part of the early days I got a bit sentimental / borderline weepy. I did not cry though. But the opener “The Ballad of Me and My Friends” is such an iconic anthem for a lot of us people in that crowd that night. I met so many wonderful people through being a fan of his music in the past 12 years. I share so many memories with so many of those people. Memories of gigs and trips and chats and lockdown livestreams. Deep conversations about why we are all doing this, how much his music and his lyrics mean to us and why. Conversations about how his music and the communal experience of singing those songs together helped and still do help all of us in one way or another. It never ceased to amaze me and I’m so glad I was able to become a part of this community. To let myself be a part of this community. Leaving my comfort zone and all that. 

Unfortunately I didn’t get to see all that many of those people at the gig or over the weekend. I did mention the 10.000 people and my anxious mind, right? I wasn’t really in the right state of mind to linger around for long after the gig. But I knew they were there with me in spirit.  

The second song was ” I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous” and by the end of that the Sleeping Souls joined Frank on stage. For this one they still had the montages of early day photos going on on the screens and yes, of course there was an image of Jay (“Beans on Toast”) at the appropriate time. Of all the others probably as well, but I don’t know those (faces) at all.  

Next up was “I Still Believe” – and no, this won’t be a song by song recap review post, don’t worry – but this one is the song that started it all for me all those many years ago. In the summer of 2013 was mindlessly skipping TV channels one weekend afternoon and caught this bit of live footage of a festival. Didn’t know the band, liked the song. Liked how the singer danced around after the first verse. Decided to keep watching and paid closer attention to the lyrics. The rest as the saying goes is history. 

As stated above, a pretty regular current tour set followed. I’m so glad he’s still playing “Haven’t Been Doing So Well” from the last-but-one album. There are many songs and lyrics which mean the world to me for some reason or another, but this song might have had the biggest impact on me, as it made me seek help and have therapy for about 18 months (April 2022 – August 2023). It was life changing and I try not to throw that term around lightly when it comes to Frank Turner. As laid out in the intro to this “My First Ten Years” post . 

When he played the opening chords for “The Road” I guess, many, many people got their phones and cameras ready to catch one particular moment. I was such a long way back that I didn’t. I’m sure the whole gig will be available to watch again on a streaming platform or DVD at some point. But of course I also held my breath for it and cheered after the slight pause and updated lyric

And the nights, three thousand nights I’ve played, a thousand more to go,
Before I take a breath and steel myself for the next three thousand shows.

The encore started with “Undefeated”, which is a great song in general, but of course was made even more special that night because… 3000 shows. And after that they brought it home with classic “let’s jump and dance and sing and have a great time” songs: Polaroid Picture, Get Better, Four Simple Words. 

That night and also on my way back home from London the next day and this past week I on and off pondered how much I have changed through these last 12 years in general. I’m not going to bother dissecting how much of the change was through the music, the lyrics, the gigs, the people or just change through life in general. I can’t make that distinction and I don’t know why I should.

With the same conviction that Frank states that he’s a touring musician, these days I can state that I am a Frank Turner fan and probably will be for life. It is a (huge) part of who I am. Not in the possibly slightly obsessive “chronicle every gig in detail on my blog / watch a few interviews to excess / parse every word in all the lyrics and interviews” kind of way it still was a couple of years ago. But in the broad “being a fan of his music changed my life for the better” kind of way. And I will be forever and ever grateful to Frank, his crew and his fanbase for that.    

Post Script:
One of the reasons this post took me so long to write / publish, was that I really struggled to deal with the negative, nagging Gremlin voice in my head, who was trying to ruin this memory for me. The Gremlin voice shouting all the things that didn’t go as planned and went wrong, counting off all the circumstances that were a bit annoying. Hammering home the fact that of course it all didn’t go as silly little fangirl me with tons of issues, had imagined it in some back corner of her mind. Shouting that the whole trip was as stupid and insignificant as in general I am as well. That kind of voice.

I’m proud to say that I did manage to shut her up in the end. It just took me a while, hence the delay in putting this post together.         

Lyrics: “Imperfect Tense” – Frank Turner, 2008

Look, I edited my photos from show 3000 and uploaded them here. That much at least. There will be a post about the show. And another one about the rest of the time in London. This weekend hopefully.

Right now I’m just in a bit of funk. Not really post-gig-blues, which is a good thing. I have lots of thoughts about how differently I feel about or how I experience a Frank Turner show these days. I’m definitely less “obsessed” and that’s a very good thing. Some of that might /will make it into the post about the show.

But so far this week has been sort of busy with errands and work and coming to terms with election results here in Germany. Thoughts and worries about what will happen and how much won’t happen under this new government, because the ideas, initiatives and policies are too liberal or too left or too woke. Even though I was fed up by (local) politics and even though plan to take a step back from being actively involved, I still care deeply about those issues. And I haven’t even begun to talk about the mess that’s going on in the USA right now.

I think I might still be in the processing and mourning stage. In a newsletter I read, that we should just call it as we experience it. And I think many people on the left (like I consider myself to be) are mourning the loss of possible and necessary change for a fairer, less racist, less carbon-reliant, greener future. And a lot of people are not just mourning but are also afraid about their very own future. People of colour. Trans people. People who rely on financial support for whatever reason.

I find myself turning inward and focusing on myself and my own mental health and growth and change without feeling too guilty about doing that instead of writing letters, going to an anti-fascist march or whatever. Seeking solace in another “West Wing” re-watch. Escaping in a good fun novel… I’m just a bit tired, is all.