I’ve been felled by a nasty stomach bug on Monday. I’ll spare you the details. The actual stomach bug (feeling and being sick) didn’t even seem to be the biggest issue, but the fever that set in on Monday evening. 38.9 °C around 6 PM. Here is a screenshot – cobbled together – of Monday/Tuesday from my Smartwatch app. My heartrate was consistently around 90 for most of the night. I didn’t sleep a wink.
Stress measured on my smart watch (I was lying down most of that time)
Yesterday (Tuesday) my GP signed me off work for the rest of the week. I stayed in bed most of the time yesterday as well, still had a bit of a temperature for most of the day. But after “no food Monday” I again tried to eat something. Zwieback. Grated Apple. Broth with tiny noodles (the supermarket didn’t have the alphabet ones though). Pasta in the evening. I was able to keep it all down, which to be honest I expected to as I never really felt nauseous since that one first moment Monday morning. No idea what what kind of bug that was and where I got it. For a moment I considered food poisoning, but I think for that it shouldn’t have started in the morning, 8-9 hours after my last meal. I’ll never know. And yes, of course I also took COVID tests: Negative; so far anyway.
Today (Wednesday) is the first day I got up properly. Showered, dressed (in more than a sleepshirt) and all that jazz. I’m still taking it easy, because I do still feel a bit wobbly and slightly headach-y, which I guess might be an aftereffect of that bout of fever.
These past two days have been an exercise in acquiescence and patience and I was surprised how well I handled that. Especially yesterday I had moments where I thought I could / should at least read something or listen to a podcast and thus not “waste” my time lying in bed. I did neither though, because I couldn’t be bothered to listen to anything more than my favourite go-to-sleep-audiobook series. I only occasionally thought of work and hardly ever felt guilty for “making” my coworkers pick up my slack this week. I spent a few moment pondering why my first impulse often was / is to feel bad about being off work sick. It might have something to do with a mixture of the 2nd and 3rd item of this list:
The Monkey Mind-Set
There are other parts of my life where I apply that mind-set much more than I should and I pondered that for a bit as well.
You can do a lot of pondering when you keep lying in bed, trying to catch some rest. I tried to put some of those and other thoughts down on paper this morning as well. It sometimes does help and I should make more of a habit out of that. Maybe.
“Pick up that pen and paper” (a Frank lyric, obviously)
Lyrics “One Foot Before the Other” – Frank Turner, 2011
We had a wonderful, sunny, warm late autumn day here, so of course I went off on my “pilgrimage” along a German section of the “Camino / Way of St. James” again. There will be links to the previous posts a the end of this post.
Part 3: Lengerich (Stadtfeldmark) – Greven – Schmedhausen (~ 16 km) Saturday, 26 October 2024
Occasionally the trail looked quite enchanted
All in all I walked about 20 km yesterday, including 1.8 km to the starting point of this section (first to the bus stop, then from the bus stop to the spot where I left the trail last time). Then there also were 2.3 km planned detour to a fast-food place at service station near the motorway, because I’ll do those long hikes in a more relaxed state of mind when I know I can use a toilet half-way through. TMI? I don’t care. It might be purely psychological, but I’m willing to do a detour for my state of mind.
This time I did actually drive up to the region of this section, because to get back home in the evening I did not want to rely on an hourly bus (50 minutes to the train station) and another 60 minutes on a train and then still a drive home for some time. I might do that as well for the next few sections, because I just found out that there will be rail replacement buses on a part of the rail route till the end of the year.
As mentioned above the weather was lovely. Unlike the first and also the second time I – finally – managed to be less “in my head” (daydreaming, ruminating, worrying) on this third outing. A few days earlier I had listened to a 10% happier podcast from earlier this year. On this one Dan Harris talked to two psychology professors – Dr. Zindel Segal and Prof. Norman Farb about their book and their newly developed mental health technique of “Sense Foraging”. I’m not yet 100% on board with their overall idea, that focusing on what you experience through your senses helps you with overwhelm and anxiety and such and I’m also not sure if it really is different from mediation in general. They discussed that aspect on the podcast and I admit I still don’t know. I still ordered their book “Better in Every Sense” though (Because, of course, I did). Anyway, focusing on
the sound of my feet on the ground or the leaves I was crushing under my soles
the sound of various birds in the trees or vehicles passing by on the distant street
the twinge in my back or the sun on my face
the colours of the leaves and flowers or the trees’ bark
did in fact help me to be more in the moment and be less lost in thought in my head. Helped me much more than any other sort of “just be” / mediation technique I tried to apply on the first two walks.
I know, I know this sound like super-duper new-age hippie shit. But it is, what it is. What can I say?
I didn’t run into or talked to a lot of people and I was fine with that. The few encounters I had were quite lovely though. One was with another hiking couple – on a different route – who had lost their way. They were using their phone (maps / navigation) to try and find the right route again, but the phone in typical Sat-Nav voice only ever gave them useless directions, like it so often does. We had a laugh about it, when I passed them but unfortunately I couldn’t really help them as I only had my route on the map on my phone. They were still in a good mood though, when walked on.
The 2nd lovely encounter was at a private home “in the woods”, where the owners had put out a “Walkers / Pilgrims Table” with free water / hot water in a thermos / tea bags / instant coffee / cups and glasses and a sign inviting everyone to take a rest. They had a tiny donation box and also a guest book in a box; the top weighed down with a rock and a Camino scallop. Such a kind idea. Too bad I had just 5 minutes early sat down on a bench to drink some water and eat some of my provisions. I did leave a note in the guest book though.
A lovely offer for all the walkers / pilgrims
Just as I was about to head off again, one of the owners stepped out of the house and we had a bit of a chat about this wonderful idea and they enquired about where I was from and my plans on the Way and all. Turned out at some point they had done a similar thing – doing the Way in sections – and it was all in all just a lovely experience. The kindness of strangers and all that.
Here now a few more photos from the day. You should be able to see them in a higher resolution if you click on them. [It obviously only took me a couple of years to find out about the customization options of the simple gallery function on WordPress.]
After about 18 km of walking (14 on the actual Way) I reached the Dortmund-Ems Canal – a waterway, I’ll be crossing to and fro a few times for the next 40 km.
Cargo ship anchoring in the canal
As much as I in general enjoy the even and straight path along a canal, by that point I was a bit knackered and seeing the final bridge I needed to cross in the distance – ostensibly still far away – was a tiny bit discouraging. But I got there in the end and just 5 minutes later had reached my car. And I’m already planning my next outing. What can I say? I enjoy this quite a lot: the exercise and the chance to turn off my mind for a while. Not quite the contemplation (yet) one would expect on a pilgrimage, but close enough.
Last waymarker of the day
Part 02: Natrup-Hagen to Lengerich, ~ 13 km, 13 October 2024 Part 01: Osnabrück to Natrup-Hagen, ~ 17 km, 15 September 2024
When after my 2nd Frank Turner gig this week I sat in my car last night, I was all fired up to share how hard “Somewhere Inbetween” had hit me at this gig and why. To share some personal insight into my messed up mind. To draw parallels, but also share my own current interpretation of these lyrics and all that. Pour my heart out onto this blog so to speak. This morning though I remembered that I didn’t want to share too detailed personal stuff on here anymore. So first thing in the morning I poured (some of) out on paper for my eyes only to avoid being too personal on here again. Anyway, let’s just say that
all my activities before the gig
the people I talked to / spend time with at the gig
the gig itself
and also an unrelated to the gig mail I read when I got home and how I reacted to that
yesterday can be seen as good way markers of where I am in my “mental health journey”.
In a lot of ways I’m still full of self-doubt. I’m often still unable or unwilling to stand up for myself. Unable or unwilling to take up space. If people have a different opinion than me on whatever issue, I’m still too often unable to just be ok with that. Unable to still consider my own opinion a valid one, even if I don’t openly say so in that moment. Does that make sense to anyone? When others around me are stating opinions, I don’t agree with, I still quite often question if I’m even allowed to have my own different opinions and my own values. My internal monologue then turns this weird mix of defensive, but also rather self-derogative.
“a fake, a foundling fraudster on the take, a huckster hustling half his name [….] who didn’t know how to feel, but could instinctively pretend, put on a show [….] Something isn’t right, something isn’t working. No one on my side, no sense of where I’m standing.”
Yes I know I’m re-mixing lyrics here. I don’t care.
Having laid out all those things I’m still struggling with though, I do have to acknowledge that I’m also doing better in at least noticing these patterns. Better in talking myself off the ledge. Better in allowing myself to take up space and if even just internally (for the moment) allow myself to disagree with someone and accepting the validity my own position. Or even go further and disagree with some for real! The aforementioned mail thing for instance, where I felt the need to reply in the middle of the night. Not the sanest decision maybe, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise. Hence I only went to bed around 4 AM. A good thing I’ve booked the day off.
Like I said, “Somewhere Inbetween” hit me quite hard last night. And it hits hard to begin with to see Frank perform this one the way he does. But as I’ve said on here again and again and again: his willingness to be so open about his inner struggles and to put his struggles into words and to share those with us – on the record and live on stage – was, what got me hooked on his music in the first place. And it is what keeps me going to gig after gig after gig. “A form of public therapy” to quote the man himself. (He said that in a slightly different context, but it’s valid for this as well, I’d say.)
I had set out to not take all that many photos this time. Alas, I ended up with about 70. I’m beyond help. I narrowed it down to and edited 18 of those. Here are my favourites, some more at a different time (or over time on Instagram)
