Every other evening since the year started, I have the vague “You should write a post about X and Y and Z” thought and then never ever get around to it, because by the time the daylight leaves, I’m often already so bloody knackered. I don’t want to glibly throw around terms like “seasonal depression” or “depression” at all. Let’s just say these days I’m often just in bit of a low mood. Tired, but not able to sleep restfully. And that’s not just my own impression every morning but also ‘proven’ my smart watch tracker. I seem to be running so very low on energy, no matter how much time I lie in bed. I’ve already been moping about it to coworkers: that I don’t even toss and turn and keep ruminating or worrying and thus keep myself up at night. I sleep through the night and still am not very well rested in the morning.
I also fucking hate the lack of daylight this time around. More than I ever did before, it seems.
Snow up close
To make it all even more gloomy: Fires are raging in California. Fascism is on the rise everywhere as well as climate change and science deniers. Wars, armed conflicts, famine, human rights suppression… the list goes on and on. I’m tired.
Don’t worry about me though: All in all I’m doing fine and I know how to count my blessings. Just don’t expect any meaningful content or any content at all here for a while longer.
I’m a few years too old to have been in the target demographic for Take That. The guys are all about my age. Of course I’ve been aware of them when they entered the European / international pop world in 1993 and I liked them well enough. For some reason I always had a bit of a soft spot for Robbie Williams. The baby of the band effect maybe? His career was the only one I sort of followed after he had left the band and when the others later embarked on solo careers as well.
For some reason I still remember where I bought the “Angels” CD single. At the Globen shopping centre in Stockholm during my term abroad sometime in winter 1997/1998. And yes I lived through the small window of history where there were CD singles, I’m that old.
Image of Stockholm, just because… (Stockholm Townhall seen from Södermalm)
Over 25 years on I admit, that I’m not sure if my memories are correct or if over time I changed my own narrative to fit the narrative I’d like to tell people. I looked through the blog archives from way back then (1998 onwards) and even though I find multiple mentions of Robbie Williams as “music I’m listening to” or “favourite singer” reply to questionnaires, I didn’t find a post about what some of his lyrics meant to me or how well I could relate to them. Maybe I hadn’t been ready to put it into words back then unlike more than a decade later when I had even more profound experiences with Frank Turner’s lyrics resonating with my inner turmoil.
Anyway there are two lyrical bits that stayed with me since then. From the song “Strong” in 1998
Life’s too short to be afraid Step inside the sun
and of course from the all in all brilliant “Sing When You’re Winning” album in 2000 the song “Better Man”
Go easy on my conscience ‘Cause it’s not my fault I know I’ve been taught To take the blame Rest assured my angels Will catch my tears Walk me out of here I’m in pain
As my soul heals the shame I will grow through this pain Lord, I’m doing all I can To be a better man
I remember (I think, see narrative above) that these words really hit home. That weird feeling of not being good enough, not worthy enough, not loveable enough and that all the “not enoughs” were my own fault. And that it hurt and that I was in pain, even though I obviously wasn’t in any place to articulate that for almost two decades longer. So much time wasted and spent in the depths of self-loathing and anxiety. Ugh! Let’s better not dwell on that. But I guess it gives you an idea of why I always felt like I could relate to Robbie in some way.
I saw Robbie live in 2006 once and one more time on the Take That Progress Tour in 2011. When I was going through the old blog posts I found that I wasn’t too impressed with the live show in 2006. I kind of called his antics on stage generic and lame and I hadn’t even experienced a Frank Turner show yet. Mmh. Lets see how I will feel and what I’ll say after I see Robbie live this summer.
For some reason I didn’t follow Robbie’s career all that closely in the last decade or so and didn’t listen to all of the new releases. I sort of knew he was still around, but that’s about it. But I did watch the Netflix documentary last year and felt renewed apprecation for him, because he was so open about his mental health issues and struggles and I could definitely relate to that.
When I heard about the “Better Man” movie a few months ago, I admit I was hesitant. Biopic about a person still very much here and alive and not anywhere near the end of his career (I hope)? Really? When I found out, that he’s being played by a CGI animated monkey, I thought it was such a ludicrous gimmicky attention seeking idea and wasn’t really interested.
But then I saw the trailer and read more about the reasons behind this choice and it started to make sense to me. To portray him how he saw / sees himself. As an outsider, never fitting in, always being different and therefor unlovable. I knew THAT feeling all too well.
Movie Trailer
Earlier this week I went to see the movie and I absolutely loved it. I might even go again, which I haven’t been inclined to do with any movie in the last decade or even longer. To me the monkey (outsider) imagery worked very well. After seeing the movie I personally think that the central message of always feeling on the outside and less than, wouldn’t have worked quite as well with a human actor playing him. Of course the monkey is anthropomorphized in his movements and his facial expressions. As far as I know the eyes (in close up anyway) are Robbie’s real eyes and there were a few mannerisms I thought I’d recognize from real human Robbie. Anyway, only a few scenes in and you don’t care it’s a monkey anymore and just want to hug the tiny boy being bullied on the schoolyard.
As also mentioned above I only sort of followed Robbie’s career, so I wasn’t up-to-date with the timeline of his life: relationships, music releases, events like tours or award shows and such. I think for the movie they took the liberty to move some of it around around, condense and change bits to make it work as narrative arc of the movie, which was fine by me. But I was wondering if the movie portrayed one of the relationships realistically. Because I had vague memories from something said on a live album or video footage that this relationship played out differently than the movie made me believe for the longest time. What can I say, my memories were right and it is a happy ending movie and I cried soooo much by the end. Seriously, so much!
I think and am not ashamed to admit that typing all this makes me want to watch it all over again and I most probably will do that one more time next week, as long as the non-dubbed version is still running in the movie theatre around here.
Happy New Year and all that. I never considered doing a recap of 2024 here or resolutions for 2025. I do have some vague ones, but I’ll keep those to myself. Finding purpose for this space might be among them.
I had a few days off over the holidays and even if I didn’t really DO much, I spend some time on introspection. For the first time ever I actually filled out most of the prompts of the “Ein guter Plan” reflection.
Looking back on 2024
I set up my new tablet. Apps, necessary passwords and stuff. I started to re-organize and delete some of my digital clutter on my desktop / tablet / phone : Photos. Files. Notes. Articles / links stored in my bookmarking app. Podcast links and episodes.
On not being afraid of making mistakes and on leaving self-consciousness behind:
No-one is watching or judging you with as much focus or in as much detail as you are observing yourself.
You are fearful, because you’re scared of what people will think. You’re not chasing your dreams, because you’re scared of what people will think. You’re not persuing your passion, because you’re scared of what people will think. [….] No-one is really thinking about you, because they are thinking about themselves more. No-one is really judging you for that long, because they are judging themselves more. No-one is really critcising you that much, because they are critcising themselves more. Give them and yourself some grace and compassion.
On leaving self-criticism behind:
Retain the right quality of self-criticism. The kind that makes me better, kinder, more positive and more productive.
We don’t have to denigrate ourself in a way we wouldn’t talk to anyone we love.
On not waiting for the perfect time:
There is no such thing as the perfect time. There is no such thing as the perfect moment. There is no such thing as the perfect anything. Perfect is a concept taken from eternity. Perfect is a concept we’ve subscribed to for far too long. And it’s blocking us from starting. Don’t let perfect stop you from starting. Don’t let perfect stop you from creating. Don’t let perfect stop you from trying. Don’t let perfect stop you from practice. Don’t let perfect stop you from progress.
While I was listening to podcasts and at other times I was “zendoodling” quite a bit, which I realized I missed doing and I am planning to do a bit more of that again this year.
Some relaxing doodlingSome more relaxing doodling
I booked most of the big items (flight, rental car, lodgings) for my Scotland vacation in September and felt humbled and grateful that I am in a position where I can just do that. Time wise and financially.
And on the first day of 2025 I finally after months of not really being interested in new TV show and instead having old (worn and comfortable) ones on in the background, while I read or did other stuff, I’ve started watching a new (to me) show: “The Diplomat” on Netflix from 2023.
Trailer for “The Diplomat”
A few days ago I read a short recommendation for the upcoming season 2 which mentioned similarities to “The West Wing” and I thought, it might be a show I’d enjoy. And oh boy, do I! I like shows about politics and interesting complex characters where you don’t know yet how their relationships will evolve, good or bad. Today I’ve binged the first 4 of 8 episodes in season 1 and the ambassador will have a fling with the UK Foreign Secretary, right? At least I hope so, I feel the sparks. But then of course there also is her (still) husband, who is charming and sexy in his arrogance. It’s a bit weird to see a Brit play an American in a show set in Britian, but I deal with that. And I do think he loves her though. Not as much as himself maybe, but he definitely has feelings for her. I’m a sucker for that kind of emotional mess. And then of course there is all the wonderful footage of London and the UK countryside, you can never go wrong with that.
And with that I’ll end this post and finish watching episode 5, before I try to get a good night’s sleep before the first day of work in 2025 tomorrow.
