07.05.2021 | “Perilously close to the precipice…”

Lyrics: “The Gathering” ~ Frank Turner, 2021

Sleep | Glorious 8.5 hours. The right was to start my time off from work, right?

Coffee | Trying to cut down by consciously using my smaller french press (1,5 mugs) instead of the bigger one which gives me about 4. I often only drink 3, so I throw one out which feels a waste. Small steps.

Working out | Not so much since the one time early this week. *sigh* I was quite busy with work stuff and my mind wasn’t in the right place and I was often so so tired. I plan to go on a longer hike tomorrow though to make up for it. Now that I’ve put it down here, I can’t back out, can I ?

Books | I’m reading the glorious “The Invisible Life of Addie LaRue” by V.E. Schwab at the moment and I’m hooked in a way I haven’t been in a while. It’s part history / contemporary with a splash of fantasy – Addie makes a deal with the devil after all – and I love it. I don’t want it to end. I’m a bit anxious I might not like the end. I also ordered the first of Schwab’s “A Darker Shade of Magic” series, even though magic / fantasy isn’t something I usually read or at least haven’t read in long time. But with Addie LaRue I like Schwab’s writing a lot and thus though I’d give it a try.

Outlander | I’m still re-watching it not every day, but at least every other and then a few episodes in a row. I’ve reached Season 4 by now and I don’t remember if I actually ever watched that more than once. My interested had definitely waned a bit by then and some of the plot changes from the book annoyed me. I’m still not the biggest fan of those, but am now detached enough to enjoy it for the good TV show that it is. (Ask me again after that stupid stupid “Roger/Bree travel back” plot in Season 5 😉 ).

Social Media | I’ve managed to cut back on my use of it at least to some degree, by logging out of the Twitter app on my phone each time and thus make it more laborious to just “real quick post / check something”. And I think that’s definitely helping with my state of mind. I sometimes still get caught up in a thread on Twitter or Facebook, but luckily there often is a post early on which annoys me to no end and instead of dwelling on that or writing a reply and thus get involved, I just click away from that thread and log off. Last example this morning: “But he doesn’t play anywhere near where I live”. Ugh. Be grateful he plays any gigs at all this summer. Do you have any idea how difficult it probably was to put a set a gigs together under these circumstances? Be grateful, bitch! Phew, glad I got that out of my system here and not got in a fight on the internet ;-)!

Thoughts | Too many. Too many negative and anxious ones. At work and over work related things mostly. I worry so much. And I’m so sensitive and thin-skinned. Always feel like I’m on defense. And not just feeling like it, but acting like it as well and I really don’t like that about myself. I feel I’m not doing my job as well as I could / should / is expected of me. I don’t know. And that makes me even more defensive. I’m floundering and then I feel guilty for not doing the best I can or being the best I can, which in turn makes me bitchy. It’s a bit of an endless cycle and I’m glad I’ve got the time to step away from it for a few days now and… regroup. But yeah, these lines from Frank’s new song sum up my state of mind quite well…

Lyrics The Gathering, 2021

05.05.2021 | Some Randomness

Sleep | Hard to come by these days. On Monday and again today, I awoke over an hour before my alarm, which is already set early, as I’m rather sluggish to get my day started these days. The process of resetting the alarm to a later time or to try to fall asleep again keep me awake , so I usually get up at some early point. At least this morning I got some emailing out of the way, so that’s something.

My Peak Challenge | I did it. Restarted on Monday. Holy Shit, I’m out of shape. But I’m working on it, hopefully for a while longer now. I felt a bit guilty for scaling down from the planned 4 to the minimum 3 rounds of the circuit, but hey, I’m starting over and I did it, so… I might need to scale down on the weights for the dumbbell bench press as well. The last round was killing me. I really need to keep going with the 2nd workout today, which I didn’t feel up to yesterday. It was a busy day at work, that’s my excuse….

Highlight | Getting in my car to drive somewhere to run an errand seems to be the highlight of my day these days. On the weekend I ordered an new Garmin smartwatch, because the battery on my old one seems to have run it’s course after 2.5 years. Out of warranty. Of course! Anyway, I ordered it to pick up at a big electronics store in the mall about 20 minutes away. Just the process of getting in my car to drive somewhere that isn’t just the super market or the doctor’s office gets me excited these days. It’s pathetic. Naively I thought it would be a quick trip – go in, pick up, leave. But of course I wasn’t the only one with that idea. *headdesk* I had to stand in a queue for about 30 minutes. It was ok though, it’s not like I had anything else to do, really. And so far I’m very happy with my new gadget. Battery is still at 74% after almost one day in use, whereas the old watch ran out of battery after not even 24 hours.

Corona | I really don’t want to write too much about it here, as it’s on all our minds and all the news all the time anyway. But… 14 months in and there are still so many things I just can’t wrap my mind around. A surgeon’s practice where the doctors in charge and the staff obviously were rather lax about the masks and hygiene and someone came into work who clearly had symptoms. 200 patients in quarantine. In another state there are temporary farmworkers, often from southeast Europe and with no health insurance in Germany ( legally! as they’re only here temporary): 80 cases, 1000 in “working quarantine”, which means they still live together in cramped quarters, still need to go to work or rather probably be shuttled together in vehicles to the fields. I doubt they wear masks while they are out there doing hard manual labour. We are one sick society.

Pic of the day: The parking lot at the mall. On a Monday afternoon…. Still so weird.

Empty parking lot at the mall
Empty parking lot at the mall

02.05.2021 | “I Keep Having Dreams…”

Lyrics: “I Am Disappeared” ~ Frank Turner, 2011

Dreams | I usually don’t remember my dreams very often. Sometimes I have a glimpse of what I dreamed about in the first few waking moments, but those fragments slip away quickly. This last week though two dreams stayed with you a bit longer with me. I have no idea what to make of that.

In the first one I think I wasn’t myself, though I don’t know who I was instead. A woman anyway. I was somewhere in India or Southeast Asia standing on the ledge of a cliff, some way above the water. 20-30 metres maybe. I don’t know if I was dared to jump or came up with the idea on my own… I remember moving along the cliff to find the right spot to jump off so I would hit the water and not the rocky beach at the bottom. And then I jumped and the water was so deep but I was never really running out of air while coming up, because I somehow breathed in a few times while slowly moving up through the water to the surface. Breathing in under water. Well, sure. The next I remember was a kind old man putting a blanket around me, while I sat on the beach. And then I woke up.

Any idea what that means…?

Dream #2 was one I had dreamed before in a variety of ways. I was meeting someone or was going somewhere for work and parked my car in front of or near the building on a big parking lot. The building I went into for that meeting had many storeys and when I came all the way down and went to go get my car, the car was gone. At least I think it was, because all of a sudden I didn’t remember exactly where I parked it. Or at least thought I had forgotten where I parked it. Or if I locked it. I looked around for a while, then went to the police station – which was right next door – reported the car missing and sort of resigned to the fact, that this happened to me a lot and I shouldn’t be too surprised. I didn’t worry too much about it all obviously. Just my fate in life to have my car stolen or missing.

I mean… yeah, my mindless carelessness about possessions (where did I put this or that) around my flat should be worrying sometimes. But a car is a bigger thing to just give up on.

No idea what that dream was supposed to tell me either.

Entertainment | I’m still reading quite a lot, some books I enjoyed very much, some I finished by skimming over the last few chapters because I just couldn’t get into it.

I’m still or again having Outlander on on my TV (mid Season 3 by now, over half the season only today) to distract from the silence in my flat and to avoid “hearing” too much of my own thoughts, I think.

Monotony | I’m still in the so familiar pandemic funk. Not much news here. Possible Zoom date with friends next week, that’s something to look forward to. I’ve also got next Friday and the whole week after next week off from work , because I felt like I need more than just the weekend to get a few things done or get some new (better) routines established (see below).

My life really is boring as fuck right now and even if I never have been someone who needed to do stuff or go to events or meet people all the time, but by now the monotony is really, really dragging me down. “Highlight” of my day today was getting in the car to drive and pick up my order of Indian food from a new to me place about 10 minutes drive away. The restaurant I had ordered from a few times during the lockdown seems to have gone under, as I can’t find it online (on Google or maps) anymore. I feel a bit bad for them obviously.

(Healthier) Routines | I’m planning to start over with the My Peak Challenge workout tomorrow. I need to do something and as I for some reason have a hard time picking up my guitar – probably for fear of failure – I might at least give working out another try to fill my time. This afternoon I also finally took the plunge and logged out of Twitter on my phone. Not uninstalled the app yet, but at least make it rather laborious to check it quite so often. I will still be able to check it on the computer or the tablet or even the phone browser after logging in there again. But I really needed that intervention, I’m afraid. Let’s see how it will go….

Fragmented Travel Memory | In one of the Outlander episodes I watched this morning they mentioned Dundee and Arbroath. Oh, I had such a lovely time in both places in 2019, when it was surprisingly warm for May.

The V&A and the RSS Discovery, Dundee, May 20219
Arbroath Abbey, May 2019
Arbroath Abbey, May 2019

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