02.05.2021 | “I Keep Having Dreams…”

Lyrics: “I Am Disappeared” ~ Frank Turner, 2011

Dreams | I usually don’t remember my dreams very often. Sometimes I have a glimpse of what I dreamed about in the first few waking moments, but those fragments slip away quickly. This last week though two dreams stayed with you a bit longer with me. I have no idea what to make of that.

In the first one I think I wasn’t myself, though I don’t know who I was instead. A woman anyway. I was somewhere in India or Southeast Asia standing on the ledge of a cliff, some way above the water. 20-30 metres maybe. I don’t know if I was dared to jump or came up with the idea on my own… I remember moving along the cliff to find the right spot to jump off so I would hit the water and not the rocky beach at the bottom. And then I jumped and the water was so deep but I was never really running out of air while coming up, because I somehow breathed in a few times while slowly moving up through the water to the surface. Breathing in under water. Well, sure. The next I remember was a kind old man putting a blanket around me, while I sat on the beach. And then I woke up.

Any idea what that means…?

Dream #2 was one I had dreamed before in a variety of ways. I was meeting someone or was going somewhere for work and parked my car in front of or near the building on a big parking lot. The building I went into for that meeting had many storeys and when I came all the way down and went to go get my car, the car was gone. At least I think it was, because all of a sudden I didn’t remember exactly where I parked it. Or at least thought I had forgotten where I parked it. Or if I locked it. I looked around for a while, then went to the police station – which was right next door – reported the car missing and sort of resigned to the fact, that this happened to me a lot and I shouldn’t be too surprised. I didn’t worry too much about it all obviously. Just my fate in life to have my car stolen or missing.

I mean… yeah, my mindless carelessness about possessions (where did I put this or that) around my flat should be worrying sometimes. But a car is a bigger thing to just give up on.

No idea what that dream was supposed to tell me either.

Entertainment | I’m still reading quite a lot, some books I enjoyed very much, some I finished by skimming over the last few chapters because I just couldn’t get into it.

I’m still or again having Outlander on on my TV (mid Season 3 by now, over half the season only today) to distract from the silence in my flat and to avoid “hearing” too much of my own thoughts, I think.

Monotony | I’m still in the so familiar pandemic funk. Not much news here. Possible Zoom date with friends next week, that’s something to look forward to. I’ve also got next Friday and the whole week after next week off from work , because I felt like I need more than just the weekend to get a few things done or get some new (better) routines established (see below).

My life really is boring as fuck right now and even if I never have been someone who needed to do stuff or go to events or meet people all the time, but by now the monotony is really, really dragging me down. “Highlight” of my day today was getting in the car to drive and pick up my order of Indian food from a new to me place about 10 minutes drive away. The restaurant I had ordered from a few times during the lockdown seems to have gone under, as I can’t find it online (on Google or maps) anymore. I feel a bit bad for them obviously.

(Healthier) Routines | I’m planning to start over with the My Peak Challenge workout tomorrow. I need to do something and as I for some reason have a hard time picking up my guitar – probably for fear of failure – I might at least give working out another try to fill my time. This afternoon I also finally took the plunge and logged out of Twitter on my phone. Not uninstalled the app yet, but at least make it rather laborious to check it quite so often. I will still be able to check it on the computer or the tablet or even the phone browser after logging in there again. But I really needed that intervention, I’m afraid. Let’s see how it will go….

Fragmented Travel Memory | In one of the Outlander episodes I watched this morning they mentioned Dundee and Arbroath. Oh, I had such a lovely time in both places in 2019, when it was surprisingly warm for May.

The V&A and the RSS Discovery, Dundee, May 20219
Arbroath Abbey, May 2019
Arbroath Abbey, May 2019

30.04.2021 | “And the images that fucked ya, were a patriarchal structure…”

Lyrics: “Black Tie” ~ Grace Petrie, 2018

Two unrelated moments this week made me ponder my skewed perception of myself. And of parts of the world.

I. I was on the panel of an online conference this week, speaking in English for a few minutes to about 150 people all over Europe. It all went well, no big deal. My first and foremost reaction should have been one of achievement and maybe even pride. And I did feel those emotions and still do. And I try to not dwell too much on the fact that I accidentally switched on my microphone later while I was listening to other speakers, while rummaging through my apartment. Oops. The moderator asked me to please turn off my sound and it was all fine. But I was pretty embarrassed, because as far as I know I was the only one with this tiny mistake in the whole 3 hour conference. My mind is so tuned in to focusing on these tiny bits that might have not gone well, instead of me acing my two speaking parts. Oh well, I consider it progress that I can distinguish between those emotions and take the worrying about the open mic with a grain of salt. Nobody will remember that. I shouldn’t either.

II. The other moment when I realized my ingrained views are rather messed up – through no fault of mine, I think, but rather a result of the patriarchal misogynistic world we live in – happened this morning. When I had to to check my first reaction to reading the Guardian article about the allegations of sexual harassment and bullying against Noel Clarke. I had no idea how that guy was. Still don’t really. But I started reading it on Twitter this morning and my first impulse was to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which consequently of course means: doubting the reports of the 20 women. I caught myself quickly and was a bit appalled by myself. I mean, how could my first reaction as a woman be to doubt other women and to rather want to believe that the guy can’t be “that bad”? Like I said I don’t even have any idea who he is. I have no reason at all (sympathy, fangirling whatever) to put more trust in him than in the women. That’s so messed up and to me only shows again how much I have to train myself to overcome all those century old beliefs instilled in probably all of us about women’s worth and all.

Mostly Happy Thoughts… This morning Frank Turner’s new song “The Gathering” accidentally showed up on Spotify. With a release date of May 7th. But still available to listen to. I only managed to do that once though, before it got pulled. Bummer. He played the acoustic version a few times during live streams this year and I loved that. The full band version blows your head off in the best way possible. That’s the happy thought. The “mostly happy” bit… I assume with the new song next Friday there will be an announcement for live shows in the UK this summer. And I’m happy for all my friends in the UK, but… I doubt I’ll be able to – as in be allowed to either from German or UK government – to come over for that. Makes me sound like public enemy #1. I’m not. Fuck Covid.

My show here in Germany to see Frank and the Souls supporting NOFX for Punk in Drublic was postponed from early June to late August. I knew it wouldn’t happen in June. At the moment I honestly doubt it will happen in August, as I have no idea how travel restrictions will be by then. They also changed the venue to one in the city I work in, which gives me all the feels. For obvious reasons, because it would be cool to just drive down 10 minutes from my office to the venue. But like I said at the moment I still doubt it will happen in four months time and that just makes me sad.

Fragmented Travel Memory: My Frank Turner mix started with “The Graveyard of the Outcast Dead” this evening, when I sat down to write this post. Another London memory, back then in January 2020 when we were all so oblivous of times to come….

“The Graveyard of the Outcast Dead”, London, January 2020

28.04.2021 | “Lately I’ve Been Feeling All Worn Out…”

Lyrics: “Faithful Son” ~ Frank Turner, 2009

State of mind: Exhausted. I’m trying to get a decent amount of sleep, because otherwise I’d probably not make it through the week. Yes, drama queen here. But I haven’t really felt this tired recently. And I don’t really know what causes it. My (latest) theory is, that I need all my physical and mental energy to deal with the constant onslaught of worrying. About work, where I still feel more overwhelmed than I probably need to feel. The pandemic and everything of course. Worrying myself in circles over rather insignifcant things. Trying to be a function adult during a pandemic is hard. Not just for me though, I think, which makes it a bit more bearable. But knowing a lot of other people feel the same doesn’t really help a lot either. I’m so sluggish and every other day I make plans and new resolutions to do this or that or change this or that and then every day tasks of work and life seems to pile up and I’m not following through on either. Pathetic, I know. Not fishing for sympathies here. Trying not to beat myself up too much.

I’m taking a few days off from work mid-May and maybe the time off will help me to get back on track with some routine to help me deal with this funk a bit better.

Positive Thoughts 4 Negative People:
Being grateful for having had my first Covid vax jab, when I read how much longer other folks with pre-conditions might have to wait. ☆ The dress-rehearsal (pre-recording) for my speech at a big international online conference went well yesterday. ☆ Humpday is almost over. One day closer to the weekend.

Fragmented (Travel) Memory: This morning while I was preparing my coffee I was reminded of doing the same thing in the flat I shared with my friend Amanda during Lost Evenings II in London in 2018. So many happy memories. I could share some of the festival and the amazing gigs, but I picked one of our strolls along Regent’s Canal in Camden instead. Gosh, I miss travelling. London. Spending time with friends…

Regent's Canal, Camden 2018
Regent’s Canal, Camden 2018

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