13.10.2020 | It Still Comes In Waves… #3

There is not much to say except that it’s still a lot of ups and downs moodwise for me. Especially today. I felt moderately productive and accomplished at work, two days in a row. I managed to not think about COVID and the state of the world / country / city at the moment, because it feels so overwhelming. Thank God for distracting LEGO sets, which force my mind to really focus on other stuff.

And still… all of a sudden my mind transports me back to the time mid-March, where I had planned to travel to the UK to see Frank Turner play some shows and how I cancelled that last minute and how much that broke my heart. I’m remembering that very vividly right now. It might also still be aftershocks from this tweet last night.

The fact that I’m browsing through various songs of my favourite bands to pick as requests for this …

doesn’t really help matters either. I miss live music from my favourite bands so so so much!

Off to bed now in hopes that I’ll feel a bit more upbeat tomorrow.

11.10.2020 | Lazy Sunday

There is not much to say about today. I spent the day hibernating at home. Every once in a while I thought I should get out and enjoy the often sunny day. But then I couldn’t be bothered in the end. And that’s fine as well. I refuse to feel guilty about it. After all I was kind of productive for a Sunday anyway. I got up around 8 (*gasp* I know), did a load of laundry. Had breakfast, caught up on my newspaper reading from this week. Sent a mail to friends I haven’t been in touch with for too long. Finished a novel. Had a small lunch. Contributed to a mail discussion among my Green Party group on the council. Built a lot of LEGO. Read a bit of a self-care book. Printed out the My Peak Challenge Month 1 workout schedule once again as I plan to start over tomorrow (I’m so out of shape). Had dinner. Built some more LEGO…. 

 The Green Party stuff is one of the other things I had jotted down to maybe write about. Not the political stuff itself, but how I react to the changes that the local election 4 weeks ago meant for us. We’ve gone from 3 people on the council to 5. Our speaker and I are two of those, the third person didn’t stand again. So it’s 3 ‘new’ people. Who are not new, because they’ve been active members of the local Green party for a long time, just never stood for or a got a council seat. And they are very enthusiastic and want to do all kinds of stuff and that’s good. It’s just a major change because we had settled into some kind of routine. Some might call it complacency. Either way, there is a lot more debate and arguments and some controversy between the old and new at the moment. And I’m not dealing well with arguments and controversy at the best of times. At the moment I’m oscillating between sucking it up and getting into to the debate on the one hand and taking a step back and not get involved too much on the other. Maybe I’m also just to sensitive about the tone of some of the emails. I don’t know… This afternoon I decided to just not check my Green emails until tomorrow morning, because I’m afraid it might spoil my otherwise rather mellow and relaxed mood. A bit of a chicken move, I know, but self-care priority and all that.

Hah, I can check that topic of my “to write about” list as well. Nice.

10.10.2020 | Lots of Work, Worry and LEGO

All week I couldn’t be bothered to write anything down here, when I got home from work. I thought, just keep it for the weekend because I was certain I’ll write a blog post on the 10th, because it’s such a nice date 10-10-2020 and I’m a bit of a nerd about even numbers / dates like that. And now the day is almost over already.

I’ve been quite busy at work this week. Again. On the one hand I feel like moaning about it, because I feel overwhelmed, mentally more than physically, but either way it’st taking a toll. On the othe hand I feel bad about moaning, because I’m well aware how privileged I am with my job. It’s well paid and seure. I actually feel like I’m doing something worthwhile and not just shuffling paper. I like my coworkers. It’s all good. Just a bit much at the moment. The weird thing is, that part of the overwhelming feeling is self-inflicted, if that makes sense. But that doesn’t make dealing with it any easier. Anyway… my mind’s not up for much else than going to work, checking on my mum, vegging out on my couch. Going to bed. Repeat.

Oh, and the global pandemic isn’t helping the existential dread of feeling overwhelmed constantly. For the past few weeks I had actually been doing ok, I thought. I got used to new routines and the way things were. But now numbers are rising all over again and I need to reconsider how I move around and what I do more than before. I still am part of the risk group and even though I still stay out of gatherings and crowded places, I start worrying that I might have become to complacent. A few days ago I met some freelancers I work with on a project at a cafe / bar. We sat spaced apart and and so were the tables. 1.5 metres? Not quite, but still. I didn’t really worry about a thing while I was there. After though I wondered, if it had been a stupid thing to do. I still don’t know… I do know that I’m still and even more and more angry at all those people who don’t care or who think COVID isn’t something to worry about and those who are reckless with their own lives and all of ours. *sigh*

I might have mentioned that I’ve started listening to podcasts on my drive to work, because music often felt too distracting. This week it’s been the “Alles gesagt” podcast with Alice Hasters from earlier this year. She’s a Black German journalist, who wrote a bestseller about racism in Germany. Very inspiring and she definitely gave me lot of food for thought about my own privilege. I really enjoy the inspiring and thought provoking aspect of these “Alles gesagt” podcasts.

Ok, that’s one of the notes I jotted down to blog about, done 🙂 There was more of course, but most of it doesn’t feel like worth talking about days after I thought of it. I really need to blog more often during the week. I’m afraid I might not get to do much of that next week either though, because… 

I bought some more LEGO 🙂 Those are older sets which don’t come with numbered bags, which seemed daunting at first. I went the DIY store to buy a few  small part organizers to put the bags contents into. It’s still a bit of a hassle to search for small parts in all the compartments, but it’s not too bad. Yet. The camper van is such a detailed endeavour. The first bit I built this evening seems like something that’s kept under the hood, so might not even be visible, but it’s still so detailed. Amazing. This will keep me busy for a while the next few weeks, I guess.