I don’t know why I feel knackered most evenings when I get through the door, but not before? Adrenalin? I don’t know… The worrying part of my brain keeps whispering: “This might not be normal. You might be sick”. The rational part though knows that I’m just not getting enough sleep. I know that. I don’t know why I can’t manage to go to bed / fall asleep at a reasonable hour on weeknights.
Anyway it’s the weekend. I might write a bit more tomorrow about that unfamiliar feeling of being good at what I do (at work). Feeling competent and valued and such. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve always been seen as competent and good at my job. I just had such a hard time believing it myself for so long. Minds are freaking weird, right?
Bit by bit I’m trying to establish some more healthy routines. Not always all successful, but in parts and that’s what matters.
I knew I will have to be busy with admin and other stuff at home, so I took my camera with me this morning and after work went for a walk along the canal, taking mostly random photos. To have some to play around with in my “learning how to properly edit” and learn more about my software’s features and all aspects of images and what can be edited.
I might have gone a bit overboard with the saturation and such. But it’s been a learning experience.
When I thought about if and how to write about this topic, my first draft – in my head while in my car – went something like “You know this thing you postpone… […] You don’t? Just me then?”. In a blatant attempt, I think, to distance myself a bit from this mentally taxing behaviour to postpone ‘things’ I dread. And I know I’m also distancing myself from it by calling it this vague ‘thing to do’, but I admit I’m embarrassed that it took me so long to get around to it.
Anyway, let’s at least be personal. I postponed something for the longest time. Like literally the longest time. And it wasn’t even a big ‘to-do’. (to not use that bland term again). At first I did have good reasons to put it off. After a while I didn’t anymore. But then I felt embarrassed and guilty and all that crap for putting it off. So I put it off even longer. No, of course that didn’t make sense. But that’s where my mind was/is. Sometimes anyway. And the longer I postponed it the bigger it became in my head. How others would judge me for postponing it so long. How I already judged myself. Anyway…
Today I finally did it and it was fine. No-one judged. No one berated me for putting it off for so long. Everyone was friendly and full of understanding. No big deal! At all!
Then of course that obnoxious voice in my head started whispering how stupid I had been for worrying so much about it in advance. I mostly managed to shut her up though. Go me!
Different topic: I threw out most of my started and then abandoned notebooks / journals of all kinds this weekend. I know a lot of ‘experts’ state that writing or journaling by hand and not by typing on a keyboard is the better (only right way) to do it. Because writing by hand helps your mind work out things differently / better. Whatever. I tried. Oh God did I try. But I’ve got terrible penmanship if I’m writing quickly and looking back on something indecipherable after a few days, frustrated me to no end. But making an effort to write more legible defeats my purpose of getting my thoughts down and out of my head as quickly as possible. So I’m back to giving a simple text file journal another go. If I’m not putting it all down HERE 🙂
But I did also start a new notebook for the “what went well today? what are you grateful for?” bits I wanted to keep going. Whenever I did that as part of any set daily journaling routine, I had such a hard time to not also drift off into writing down what didn’t go well and where I messed up. So I hope a journal just for the “Positive Stuff for Negative People” (inspired by a Frank Turner album, of course) might do the trick.
That’s it for today. Three posts in a row. Wow. I had the worst night of sleep in a long time and I have an important meeting to attend at work tomorrow afternoon, so I better head to bed soon to be well rested and less stressed tomorrow.
I still haven’t found my favourite Rawtherapee Tutorial from which I can learn more about editing my RAW photos. At some point I considered buying a Photoshop Tutorial Book and just try figuring out what those instruction mean in Rawtherapee. As you can see, I’m from the “learning by book reading” generation. We didn’t have any digital tutorial to teach us things. It’s very different for me to hear someone speak and explain stuff in a video and then follow those steps with my own project. It’s the same with longer Youtube videos or Instagram reels. I do have a few people – especially on Instagram whose content I think is great and educational and such, but I sometimes wish they’d just write it down for me and not make me watch 3 minutes of it. I feel sooooooo old.
Anyway, here is the editing result of a rather randomly picked photo from my photo trip earlier this month. January is almost over, when/how did that happen?
Not much going on here besides that. It’s a Sunday. It snowed and to my mind stayed a bit gloomy so I didn’t venture out the door at all. Read a lot. Watched a lot of TV. Being a lazy couch potato and I try to not feel too guilty about it.
Waiting for the pizza delivery now, because… lazy, as I said. According to the pizza tracker my order wasn’t even put in the oven yet, 15 minutes after I ordered it (online). It might take a while, I guess.
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