16.08.2021 | “It makes me feel like I’m an alien…”

Lyrics: “Fatherless” ~ Frank Turner, 2022 (?)

These past few days were a bit exhausting, emotionally anyway. All of us family members might have expected the situation – to care for someone who needs assistance with a lot of activities – to be easier. I don’t know. I still think we could and can handle it. Others are more doubtful. And it’s wearing on all of us. To different degrees maybe, but we’ve had some tense moments. At least I thought they were tense, and I’m so emotional these days and my eyes well up so easily. When I’m angry or disappointed, not necessarily when I’m sad. I really don’t want to dig into the sadness right now. But we really do suck at communicating. That became more and more evident for me. Communicate about what we expect and need from each other and from the one we care for. I feel like I’m the one holding it all together, which might be an unfair assessment, but I can’t help it. It’s how it feels to me and it’s hard. I shouldn’t be the one to be in charge. I’m the youngest! I know, that’s pathetic to say, because we’re all adults – have been for 2-3 decades in fact – and it really shouldn’t matter. But it does to me. Family dynamics, eh?

All this made me think a lot about family and how they deal with each other. Seeing how messy and uncommunicative mine appears to be, the first impulse always is to think “Other families have it together, why are we such a mess?” and to feel a bit weird and ashamed about it. I always need a stern reminder that other families have their issues as well. My head knows that, because I hear it from friends, who have their share of difficulties with parents or siblings. And then I was also reminded of the chat during the Youtube stream when Frank played the song I quote in the title for the first time. So many people could relate to the lyrics on some level. No family is perfect. We are all just living our various shades of messy, human relationships with each other.

There is not really a point to this post, I guess. But when is there ever ๐Ÿ˜‰

The world also is a right mess at the moment: Afghanistan. Haiti. COVID. Climate Crisis. All not really helping with my gloomy state of mind these days.

An uplifting post to start the week on, isn’t it ? Sorry. Here’s a reminder of better times….

Rainbow at a harbour in Scotland, with a castle ruin in the background
Scotland, Summer 2012

10.08.2021 | Diary of a weird day….

10:40 I’ve got the day off, so I could sleep in. I hadn’t plan to be lazy in bed, scrolling through stuff on my phone or play games, but that’s what I did *sigh*. I arranged a few more last minute things for our family member to come home to be care for here at their home from now on. At least we want to to give this option a try before we have to resort to moving them into a care home permanently. And now I’m sitting here in front of my small netbook. at the dining room table. Waiting…

10:50 I almost got involved in a twitter discussion, because someone posted a statement about shares of climate emissions. A statement and chosen point of view I strongely disagree with. I work in the climate action field so of course I have an opinion. I started looking up facts and data to back me up in the argument. Luckily enough I managed to stop myself, before I posted. Because… seriously what’s the point of arguing with people you don’t know on Twitter? My favourite singer / songwriter Frank Turner for years has been going on about how that part (and basically everything else) of Twitter is such a waste of time and energy and in my head, I often enough disagreed and defended that social network. Because I spent too much time on my well curated Twitter feeds. But of course Frank is right about the time and energy sucking part of it and I really need to wane myself of it a bit more.

11:00 The nurse from the care service showed up, because the information that they are only needed for the evening on the first day, wasn’t properly communicated. I felt a bit bad for her – typical, even though it clearly wasn’t my fault. She was nice enough about and we jokingly agreed that she needed to have stern word with her superior for that misinformation.

16:30 Keeping our care patient company, getting them settled. They are still a bit overwhelmed, let’s hope they will settle in quickly. Most exciting moment this day so far: while I was out running some errands around noon, I saw a squirrel run across the street. So did the driver in front of me obviously, because they stepped on the brakes. Such a no go. Yes I know impulse and oh the poor squirrel, but it was a good thing I was far enough away or I would have crashed into the car.

19:20 Keeping someone company keeps me busy. The care nurse for the evening shift was here and helped out. It worked out fine, so let’s hope the others will work the same way. Our GP will be by tomorrow as well. Getting back to a new kind of normal bit by bit.

21:15 German government made new announcements re COVID regulations, testing etc. I honestly can’t be bothered to check up on them just now. It won’t change how I will live my life right now anyway. I’m finally back home after a bit of a stressful end of the evening. We’re all a bit high strung and have to learn how to deal with the situation. Back to it all early tomorrow morning for when some people from the healthcare system will came by to determine the medical situation and all the needs and all. Nerve racking.

Off to read a bit and then lights out.

08.08.2021 | “When you’re out there searching, don’t decide what you will find…”

Lyrics: “Be More Kind” ~ Frank Turner, 2018

Morning thoughts… One of the many things or maybe THE one thing that make my life such an exhausting one – in my eyes anyway – is that I always expect the worst. In all kinds of situation. Almost every day. Even if the worst outcome didn’t happen, I so often keep thinking about how it somehow still did and keep replaying events in my mind. Parsing things said to me to find the hidden negative meaning, because there sure must have been. It’s me after all. Ugh. It is exhausting. I’m working on it, but it’s hard sometimes.

Add a lack of attention span to this all and you might see, why I don’t get anything done. I’m exaggerating here of course, I mean, I do have a job and a life and all. But I often think I could be so much more focused and ‘productive’ (for lack of better term, because I actually hate that term re everyday life), if I didn’t spend so much time worrying about all the things that could go wrong for me in the future or wonder how things in the past clearly went wrong somehow.

I have no clear idea what brought these thoughts on this morning. I do worry a bit (hahaha!) about upcoming changes for my family. About projects at work now that most people are back from vacations and we’ll be able to start focusing on team projects again.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends and their children and they surprised me with a visit to a variety show theatre (acrobatics, comedy). It was my first time back in an indoor theatre venue since the pandemic started. I think. I’m sort of glad they surprised me with it or otherwise I might have worried too much about the whole situation in advance. It was completely fine: track & trace in place, clearly marked directions to avoid crowds of people, lots of hand sanitizer, good airflow, tables spaced wide enough apart, many other little things. We were allowed to take off the masks in our seats and that felt safe enough as well. Step by step back to some kind of new reality, maybe?

Light Art inside the GOP theatre
Variety Show Theatre 2021

Evening thoughts… I did mention a lack of attention span this morning right? *sigh* At least I turned on the computer once more to at least finish and post this. Well to write a bit more, because it feels weird to post thoughts from this morning 12+ hours later.

The day went okay-ish. I wasn’t the most focused at work, which – if it happens on a Monday – always makes me feel a bit bad for the week. It’s not the best start at least. I’ve got the day off tomorrow to take care of the new home care situation and I will be working from there instead of my own apartment for the rest of the week. Lets see how that will go. I’m quite nervous to be honest. And worried and anxious. As always…

Some more random thoughts on work: I feel a bit weird about the new IPCC report. The content of the report does help in my line of work, strangely enough. But it also might mean that we have to make some changes in some projects, because it all gets even more urgent. Which will help the environment and all, but I can’t really figure out yet, what it really means for us directly. And this uncertainty does help with my underlying worrying about… everything at the moment.

Most boring blog post ever? I can’t help it. It’s my life at the moment…

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