22.08.2022 | “Just Another Manic Monday…”

The morning started ok without too much dawdling before booting the work laptop. I say not too much, because I always dawdle a little bit in the mornings. I had rather distinct plans of what tasks to start / complete at work today. Hardly any of that worked out the way I planned though. I don’t like days like these, especially not to start the week with.

Phone conference team meeting from 8.30 to 10.30.I realized I need to finalize the agenda for the first (since 2019) “real life” network meeting we’re going to host in two weeks. (That was on my agenda today) Made some phone calls and send mails about it. My office mate is off on vacation at the moment so there’s stuff coming in which I have to deal with in her stead, though I’m not really up-to-date and again have to make some phone calls, send some mails about it. (Again not on my agenda today).

During the team meeting we learned that it’s time for the quarterly request for office supplies, as in what do the people in our team need and then send the complete request off to the admin person in charge of that supply order for the whole department. Usually our supervisor is in charge of that, but as he’s retired and the new one won’t start till October, I already was in charge of the supply request last time. So of course I offered to do it again and update the excel sheet and send a mail to everyone asking them to fill in their request. (Again not on my agenda today).

I had to leave early-ish because of a local committee meeting, so by the time I had done all of the above I wasn’t in the right mindset to start with the BIG task I had planned to spend a lot of time working on today. Instead I took care of a procurement process for something we want to commission. (Not on my agenda today, BUT long overdue, so that was actually useful).

Then off to my council committee meeting. After the last local election I gave up my seat in the Environmental / Planning committee, because it’s often close to what I do for a living as well, and I felt like I needed a break from that. So now I’m one of two Greens on the committee for the municipal enterprise in charge of a lot of the technical stuff of running a city: Facility management of the public buildings, building streets and sewer systems, wastewater, waste management… all that kind of things. And yes, I’m the only female on this committee, because it’s so technical, I guess. And yes, we Greens are often the only ones inquiring more information about the stuff we vote and decide on. There were basically four items on the agenda today. I had a question about each of them. One of the Social Democrats (Labour equivalent) had a question to one of them. That was about it. I guess the others were delighted that the meeting took 30 minutes instead of just 10, because I was asking so many questions.

Sunflower (sort of the symbol of the German Greens)

Later today there will be the weekly local Greens meeting, which might take a while tonight because there will be a lot on the agenda. I’ve been an active member of the local branch of the party for over 20 years now and it has been wearing me down a bit, I’m afraid. Well lots of other things too, the global development and all. But also, just some of the people? Some of the old discussions over and over again? I’m a bit tired, but I’ll try to drudge through and hope that the “OMG you have to do something to change/influence these politics / decisions” spark will return. Someday….

21.08.2022 | Impressions of this Week

At least I seem to get into a weekly rhythm with these posts…

I spent a lovely afternoon yesterday at a exhibition / multimedia show about Charles Monet. I always liked his paintings, but have to admit I didn’t really now much or rather not anything about his art or the whole Impressionist movement. So it was educational as well as entertaining. For instance that the name of the movement came from this painting, which he titled “Impression, Sunrise”.

Monet Painting, Impression Sunrise
Impression, Sunrise – the Monet painting which gave a name to the movement
Monet Painting Jetty at Le Havre in multimedia show
Monet Painting Jetty at Le Havre in multimedia show
Monet's Japanese Bridge / Multimedia show
Monet’s Japanese Bridge / Multimedia show

Work was okay this week. I seem to be getting the hang of some things and once again started to realize that even though I liked our former supervisor a lot and we got along fine, we might not have been the best fit workwise. As he was one who liked to take charge in sort of a helping / supportive way where I lacked self-confidence about my work and projects and everything that I often was glad that he took charge and thus responsibility. Responsibility that I should have accepted for my projects and tasks and all. But it always was so easy to just let him. Not healthy definitely in the long run. Anyway, I need to be more in charge now and I’m doing okay so far I think. Often still anxious about decisions and stuff…. but a tiny bit more confident.

In therapy this week we delved a bit more into my “striving for perfectionism” and how that makes a lot of my life so much harder than it used to be. Work included. It sounds silly but I really have to (re?-)learn that it’s ok to make mistakes. Ok to not be 100% perfect all the time. Ok to start with little steps. I’m getting there. Hopefully. I feel like I’m on a good path at least.

I’ve caught up with season 6 of “This Is Us” at least as much as it’s available for free on German Amazon Prime. For some reason I thought the whole season would already be there, so I was bummed to find out it’s just up to 12 of 18 yet. A new episode goes up every Wednesday, but I also might be able to buy the remaining episodes for 3€ each, which is quite a bit of money, so I guess I’ll hold out. At least for this week and then I’ll see how urgently I want to see the rest.

I’ve also read a lot this week, as always; reviews on my Goodreads page (easiest to access through the widget on this side). All stories have been quite nice, but nothing has really blown me away recently. I miss that. But I’m also often not in the right headspace for plots or narrations which feel too complicated. I don’t know?

This weekend I also had a longer chat with a good friend, my age, and we properly commiserated over a lot of things. The state of the world in general. Climate Change, the war, the pandemic. Loosing or patience with stupid, stupid people. Misanthropy was running high! But it’s ok to vent about that sometimes, right? I still haven’t quite figured out if over the last two years I have become more zen or more indifferent to a lot of things. And people. The ongoing quest, maybe….

13.08.2022 | “Every Once in a Few Months When All the Punches Land…”

Lyrics: “Punches” – Frank Turner, 2022

It’s been a while since I wrote a post and I can’t even say why exactly. Probably because I feel like I don’t have anything “newsworthy” to write about. My life is pretty ordinary at the moment. Work. Books. Watching TV series on a streaming service. A bit of politics, but I can’t really be bothered as much as I used to. Therapy…

Therapy | That’s going good, I think. The last few sessions anyway made me think quite a bit and also made me start getting into a bit more routine to not think so much. “Think” as in going down a spiral of worry. Recently my therapist helped me figured out that wanting to do too much or expecting something to work right away might be part of my problem. Or to put in differently: I often forget that some things take time. Trial and error. Training. I sometimes – too often ? – think back on what I have already managed to do in my life, but only see the positive end result and not how long it took me to get there. Right now I often don’t bother starting something, because it seems impossible to me that I’ll manage to get from starting point A to the end point for instance… Z. But that’s because my brain obviously thinks that there are no letters in between. And don’t believe that it’s ok to just get to B or C for a while, because that’s still the right direction. But I often feel bad when I don’t get to at least P or Q right away and then I give up and … Argh! Does that make sense to anyone? Anyway, we’re working on small steps and small expectations at the moment.

Work | I’ve been a bit more relaxed at and about work recently, which feels amazing. I sometimes still worry that I should be more worried, but at the moment I try to ignore that more often than not and just go with the flow. On Thursday some members of my team and I participated at a “goals and other stuff” workshop of our department. We were about 15 people all in all and I think we had a good time and productive workshop. I’m usually anxious about these kind of group projects: lack of self-esteem, too much worry to mess up and what others might think and all that. But I’m proud and happy to report that it all went quite well. I contributed, I made small talk or even proper work-related inter-departmental talk. I kind of involuntarily presented the results of our sub-group at some point, because I was standing nearest to the flipchart. And I did fine! Didn’t feel to nervous in that moment either. Is it a bit pathetic, that I think a day like this is worth remembering here? I don’t care. I got out of that building and thought: “You did good today!” I don’t often have that feeling at the moment, so yeah: writing it down here as a reminder!

Grief | I know this prompt feels heavy, but it’s not all that. I just can’t think of any other for the stuff I want to sum up under this one. Three of us four children decided on which sort of grave plaque we want to get for our mum’s grave. I know we’re late with that. August last year was the time my mum was finally home again after her stroke in May. I don’t know if we really would have managed to care for her at home indefinitely even with care assistance coming in twice a day. But we were determined to give it a try at least. Re: grief, I can at least by now drive around various streets / places, which remind me of the whole ordeal last year with the various hospitals / care home stays all over the area, and not get pissed off or sad about last year. That’s progress. I still miss my mum as someone to just talk to about my day or other random ordinary things. I guess that won’t ever go away.

Rose
a rose somewhere, because my mum loved those…

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