The last two days have been a bit weird. I should have been relaxed and chill after this thingthis thing that had been weighing on my mind was resolved. But for reasons unknown I felt a low level of unease for the last 48 hours. I don’t want to call it anxiety, because it wasn’t that bad or noticeable. Just an undercurrent of feeling off. I know I should probably pay less attention to what my smart watch “stress meter” says about that, but.. it pretty much confirmed it. Like SO much. And I don’t know why. I didn’t do it think anything stressful. Rather the opposite.
All I did these last few days was… nothing. I was at the beach. I sat or lay in the sun. Reading. Listening to music. Watching the waves. Daydreaming. The sun was shining, It was all very relaxed and chill and I don’t know. Feeling calmer today, finally and am enjoying the last couple of hours at the beach, just…. doing the simple kind of stuff, before the long drive back home.
The gloom I felt last night seemed to have settled outdoors today. The sun didn’t really make an appearance and it drizzeled on and off, but it wasn’t too cold, so it was ok. I didn’t spend as much time by the sea though, but that’s alright.
Some time today I spent working on… well work stuff. I know, I shouldn’t, because I’m on vacation. But this is a task I’ve been postponing over and over and it’s for my favourite project at work (international etc.) so I felt obligated. And it’s interesting stuff I don’t get to do at the office usually or don’t have to time for. That’s my excuse. And I need to work on that a bit tomorrow as well, but that’s fine.
But I had also booked a visit to the lighthouse drove down there in the early afternoon. I have a thing for lighthouse for some reason. And if you can actually get inside and climb up I’m usually up for it as I was today. But holy shit, I’m out of shape; it’s a bit worrisome.
I had a nice time though and rewarded myself with coffee and cake at the beach cafe on this side of the island. Mask are not mandatory indoors here in the Netherlands, at least not in most places I’ve been to so far, which haven’t been many. But it feels a bit weird for me. And obviously the other German tourists – of which there are a few – don’t feel like wearing a mask indoors either. I don’t get it. I just stayed away from most people or at least in a safe distance. As safe as I considered necessary anway.
Most of the time today though, my mind was preoccupied with a mail I was planning to send and did indeed send in the afternoon. It was about standing up for myself and demanding stuff that has been promised to me and to be strict with them, who had made that promise in the first place, but had then been ‘ghosting’ me for months. Sounds circumspect, I know, but I don’t feel comfortable being any clearer. And it’s not about that promise as such, but more about the whole introspection into my own warped sense of (self-)worth and all that, which writing and sending this mail brought up. Because in this case I was clearly entitled to be strict and to demand action and all. And still… I checked and double-checked if my mails had really got sent or if I had missed a mail from them in the meantime. I thought of various excuses why they might haven been ignoring me. I worried about all kinds of possible unpleasent outcomes and hurt feelings and egos. On their part. Not on mine. Mine was already hurt by their negligance, but… obviously that doesn’t count in my own mind. Sounds messed up? Yeah, welcome to my life.
Seriously it’s been a weird few hours. Because on the one hand the logical part of my mind knew very well that I was in the right and they were in the wrong and I had every right to be cross with them. But the emotional part of my mind (is it still the mind or rather the soul?) didn’t quite agree and always tried to find fault with me and my line of thinking. Lacking self-confidence is exhausting, let me tell you.
In the end my strict mail resulted in a long apologetic reply from them and I think I can work with that. I obviously made my point and successfully stood up for myself. Go me! It’s a bit of a novel feeling. But it was fascinating to experience myself react on the rational and the emotional level, because this had been such a isolated event where the roles and responsibilites were quite clear and not muddled as they usually are in everyday life where we all have so many different relationships to each other. Does that make sense? Anyway, I stood up for myself and ‘won’ and that feels pretty damn good.
I was and still am in a bit of a weird, gloomy mood tonight. I considered going to bed and just sleep it off, but I then thought putting some thoughts down here and remembering the the day as such had been a nice one, might be the better idea. I don’t want to dwell on the gloom (which had a cause) here either. Positivity and all that. Not that I want to paint a false always happy and never gloomy picture here, but the gloomy part still needs a bit to work through. Mails to send and that kind of thing.
I changed the look around here again. Well back to the previous blog, because I just couldn’t get the hang of the theme I had used for this one. Going back to the previous look sort of defeats the point of starting over, but… whatever. This still feels different and still is different. In some ways and maybe only because I said so.
Once again I spent a lot of time on the beach today, just as it should be on a vacation by the sea. This was the whole point of coming here to be honest and I love that it’s such a vast beach and not many people so at any time of day I can easily find a quiet spot for myself. There are a few ‘sights’ to visit here on the island, small museums and such, but I honestly can’t be bothered to look up opening times and visitors regulations, required booking or not and such. I might drive down to the lighthouse at some point to spend some time on the beach there. Other than that? No desire to go anywhere really. I walked into the village this morning to do some shopping at the supermarket and even though there weren’t really many people around there, I still was fed up quickly. No idea how that will go when I’m back at home this weekend and at work next week. It’s so easy to turn into a hermit. It’s so easy to forget what day it is as well…Again: like it should be on vacation.
Anyway, here is where I spent my afternoon.
Reading, listening to music, sunbathing. Just being. And that was a good day and I hope that will cancel the gloom from tonight. Let’s see what how the night’s sleep will go. So far I’ve slept well here on a weird schedule though. Early to bed and early-ish to rise. Which might be a good new routine for when I’m back home. Stay tuned….