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Lyrics “Somewhere Inbetween” – Frank Turner, 2024

When after my 2nd Frank Turner gig this week I sat in my car last night, I was all fired up to share how hard “Somewhere Inbetween” had hit me at this gig and why. To share some personal insight into my messed up mind. To draw parallels, but also share my own current interpretation of these lyrics and all that. Pour my heart out onto this blog so to speak. This morning though I remembered that I didn’t want to share too detailed personal stuff on here anymore. So first thing in the morning I poured (some of) out on paper for my eyes only to avoid being too personal on here again. Anyway, let’s just say that

• all my activities before the gig
• the people I talked to / spend time with at the gig
• the gig itself
• and also an unrelated to the gig mail I read when I got home and how I reacted to that

yesterday can be seen as good way markers of where I am in my “mental health journey”.

In a lot of ways I’m still full of self-doubt. I’m often still unable or unwilling to stand up for myself. Unable or unwilling to take up space. If people have a different opinion than me on whatever issue, I’m still too often unable to just be ok with that. Unable to still consider my own opinion a valid one, even if I don’t openly say so in that moment. Does that make sense to anyone? When others around me are stating opinions, I don’t agree with, I still quite often question if I’m even allowed to have my own different opinions and my own values. My internal monologue then turns this weird mix of defensive, but also rather self-derogative.

“a fake, a foundling fraudster on the take, a huckster hustling half his name [….]
who didn’t know how to feel, but could instinctively pretend, put on a show
[….]
Something isn’t right, something isn’t working.
No one on my side, no sense of where I’m standing.”

Yes I know I’m re-mixing lyrics here. I don’t care.

Having laid out all those things I’m still struggling with though, I do have to acknowledge that I’m also doing better in at least noticing these patterns. Better in talking myself off the ledge. Better in allowing myself to take up space and if even just internally (for the moment) allow myself to disagree with someone and accepting the validity my own position. Or even go further and disagree with some for real! The aforementioned mail thing for instance, where I felt the need to reply in the middle of the night. Not the sanest decision maybe, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to sleep otherwise. Hence I only went to bed around 4 AM. A good thing I’ve booked the day off.

Like I said, “Somewhere Inbetween” hit me quite hard last night. And it hits hard to begin with to see Frank perform this one the way he does. But as I’ve said on here again and again and again: his willingness to be so open about his inner struggles and to put his struggles into words and to share those with us – on the record and live on stage – was, what got me hooked on his music in the first place. And it is what keeps me going to gig after gig after gig. “A form of public therapy” to quote the man himself. (He said that in a slightly different context, but it’s valid for this as well, I’d say.)

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I had set out to not take all that many photos this time. Alas, I ended up with about 70. I’m beyond help. I narrowed it down to and edited 18 of those. Here are my favourites, some more at a different time (or over time on Instagram)

Lyrics: “Good & Gone” – Frank Turner, 2013

Not only or in fact even the early hours as such. But stillness in some way from yesterday evening and all day today. And it was good. I stayed home and didn’t see or speak to a single soul, expect replying “no problem” to the postman thanking me for buzzing him in. I also purposely stayed off any social media for ~ 24 hours. Only checked my mails once this morning, once in the afternoon. I should do that more often. Or just find a more balanced use of it all in general, but I still struggle a bit with that to be honest. At least after such a mini digital detox I tend to stay more mindful about my use for a bit and that’s something.

Yesterday and this morning I journaled a bit and will definitely go back to that once more after posting this. It does help to work through some stuff.

After weeks of feeling ‘uninspired’ or lacking motivation, I also finally picked up my doodling sketch paper. That also helps to empty / calm my anxious mind a bit.

I watched some more videos of the online photography class I had signed up (and paid) for months ago, because I plan to get back into doing that more as well. Possibly starting tomorrow during the day in Cologne with some urban / cityscape photography, before I’ll get in the queue for my 2nd show of the current Frank Turner show tomorrow evening. Well, the show will be in the evening, I’ll be in the queue in the late afternoon.

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And I’ve finished “The Atlas Paradox” and started with “The Atlas Complex”.

I enjoyed the 2nd book of the trilogy as well. I heard critical / negative things about “Complex” so I’m a bit apprehensive, but 30 pages in, I can’t complain yet. On the contrary, I’m still in awe of Blake’s writing. Her way of bringing all the characters to life with very distinctive voices. How she makes me interest / care about each and everyone of them, because everyone is just a flawed human. Well not human, medeian in this case, but still. Not inherently good or bad, but a multitude of emotions, ideas, plans and childhood trauma. I’ve mentioned it on here several times before, but I just adore her writing and I’m glad I’ve got about 450 pages ahead of me Favourite line in these 30 pages yet for some reason:

He understands that he’s on the spectrum somewhere, everyone is – that’s the point of a spectrum [….]

Lyrics: “Pass It Along” – Frank Turner, 2011

Last night I was finally back in my happy place: at the barrier at a Frank Turner & the Sleeping Souls show and what a great start to the European tour was. A friend of mine always says “There is no day that cannot be made better by live music”. If it’s your favourite singer/songwriter with the full band, which I haven’t seen for a headline show in over two years, that’s more than true. I absolutely flipped out (mostly on the inside, introvert and all) when Frank played the very old song I asked him to for my 70th show. Following it with my absolute forever favourite song as well, which it later turned out my friend had requested for me and my 70th show. My heart was filled to the brim last night.

This won’t be a review or recap. I just wanted to put my joy and gratitude on record. So I can come back and remember it: the life-affirming, uplifting quality of time spent screaming along to songs I can so very well relate to. The emotional relief and sense of empowerment I take away from these moments.

I must have heard “Get Better” a million times in the last decade, and it’s always been one of my favourites, but it hit hard and in new ways yesterday. I’m always thrilled when a band / a song can do that.

The songs from the new album work great live and I haven’t seen such stunning lighting on stage all through the night since the “Be More Kind” tour in 2018, I think? It was amazing and probably even better seen for full effect from farther back. I’ll experience that at my gigs in November. On Sunday I’ll be back in my spot at the barrier for a 2nd time this week. And I can’t wait.