Back To Shore

Lyrics: “The Way I Tend To Be”, Frank Turner 2013

And… that’s been another week before I post again. I’d like to say that work and life kept me busy, but to be fair it most probably was worrying and fretting about work. And the pandemic. This fucking stupid pandemic. And being baffled and pissed off by so many people who 10 months in seem to still not understand what we’re dealing with. I could link to various news reports about incidents, where the police or other authorities broke up gatherings. Or just recount the number of occassions where I encounter – on a distance – people who still don’t know how to wear the mask properly. But I won’t… *deep breath*

At least to some degree by now I’ve learned to forgive myself for not being as ‘productive’ in any aspect of my life as I should be or hope I would be. It’s a global pandemic going on! I still need to find the right balance between being rightfully overwhelmed and just… lazy 🙂

At the beginning of the week I was still procrastinating blissfully by reading the last few Bridgerton novels. Some plots I like more than others, but all in all it was a nice, sweet escape from real life. Yesterday I had planned to finally escape with the first few episodes from the new season of “This Is Us”, but then realized I somehow can’t or rather don’t want to deal with a show that has incorporated the pandemic into their storyline. I understand why they did it, but for the love of God I don’t want to see it – as in people wearing masks and disinfecting their hands and talking about COVID – on in my fictional TV world. At least not at the moment. So I guess, I’m going to take a (longer) break from that show. Escaping to The West Wing works just fine for me.

My lack of focus and lack of impulse control is bothering me a bit at the moment. I’m prone to jumping from one thing to another in the best of times, but it’s gotten worse in this 2nd lockdown. Or what we call a ‘lockdown’ over here. I think we could have locked down much more and stricter and all, but what do I know. So yeah, switching from book to book at the moment. Buying book after book even though there a tons of unread books still on shelves and night stand. Always worrying that I might lack the right book I might want to read in that exact next instance. Or something like that. At least I’m supporting the book trade in this difficult times, right? And yes, I’m very much trying to avoid Amazon and big book retailers and go for local independent book stores or smaller online retailers.

Not much else to say. We had some snow in my area of Germany today. No pic, because I went out later in the day where most of it was already gone, in the city anyway. Besides that I’m muddling through

One highlight of my week: Frank Turner did an Insta Live Interview with his his pal Gab from Italy on Tuesday. About halfway in Gab asked Frank about his degree in history and the historical references in his songs and of course I used the chat to unashamedly promote my blog about it. Either Frank saw that chat message (or maybe just my name on the chat?) and gave me a shout – out for the blog as well, said it was “really, really cool” which was pretty awesome. At least it made my evening (and day after…).

Lyrics: “Little Changes” – Frank Turner, 2018

Oh well, the shiny or at least slightly optimistic “it matters where you go” attitude from the beginning of the month evaporated quickly. Has it really been 10 days since that last post? Obviously. A clear sign for up-and-down mood, I guess. Right now I feel like I’m in an annoying cycle of lethargy and procrastination and self-flaggelation for planning to do all kinds of things and than not following through. Projects I start then abandon. I’ve got stacks of new TV shows and books I had started to read. And I still rewatch The West Wing for the umpteenth time and started binging a Regency Romance novel series. The comfort of the familar and easy happy escape entertainment possibly.

I was back at work for three days, two at the office, one at home and there are already so many things I feel a bit overwhelmed by. Probably unecessarily so, but once I’ve fallen in the dark “ugh, that’s too complicated, too scary, too much at the moment’ well of despair, it feels so difficult to climb out even though it’s not really. I know I just need to push myself a bit more and still I lack the drive to do it. Not easy to explain.

I started a Yoga practice and abandoned that after three days, because for someone like me, who never did Yoga before it felt to difficult to keep up and even though I looked into an easier one from the My Peak Challenge program, I still didn’t do that so far either. Selfcare is hard if you’re in a bit of a dark space, let me tell you. At least I’m on a 4 week mediation streak with the Calm App and I usually try to get enough sleep these past few days. That’s a bit of selfcare after all, right?

My guitar practice is stalling a bit at the moment. I try to pick up the guitar every other day, but unfortunately it seems that by starting on a 3rd chord I unlearned bits from what I could do so far. The nagging inner critic likes to whisper “I told you so, you’re no good, just give up”, but luckily I could ignore that voice for a while now. And even though some of what I do with (or to) my guitar seems like steps backwards, others still feel like progress, so I’m determined to stick with it for a while longer. Little changes and all that jazz.

Today I met some friends (one family, so all within the rules) for a walk in their city centre. We haven’t seen each other for ages and even though I felt slightly guilty for meeting with someone not in my direct neighbourhood, I’m glad that I did. We wore masks most of the time (inner city rule) and stayed distanced as good as we could and it was outdoors. Fresh air, the sun, lovely chats with good friends and their girls. I needed that.

I need to get out into the fresh air (and hopefully sun) more often as well. Simple as that.

Lyrics: “Peggy Sang The Blues” – Frank Turner, 2011

So, that first sort of, but not really psych evaluation from the MindDoc app came in. Stating I’m not in the best mental health and I might want to talk to my GP or a therapist. Go figure. Mmmh! I’m a bit underwhelmed to be honest, because even though the evaluation gives a recap of how positive / negative I’ve answered the various questions in different aspects of my life, it’s still a bit vague. Talk to my GP about what exactly? I had hoped to get a clearer grasp or at least put words to this vague underlying worrying and feeling of inadequacy and all that. I guess I’ll just have to continue to monitor my emotions and reactions and read some more and maybe I’ll get a clearer picture of my state of mind so I might be able to properly talk about it to someone, if ever necessary.

Though previous experience (not my own, but someone I know) showed me how difficult it is to get mental health help here in Germany, even with acute mental health issues. Which mine are not. It’s just this recurring feeling of… ugh. I don’t know. Hence the disappointment about the vague evaluation. So far. Anyway. I feel at least that I’m doing something about it and that’s more than I can say for the past few years when those feelings came up or always have been there anyway.

Let’s get more upbeat at the start of the year and remember the fun moments and good and lovely things that happened in 2020 amidst all the pandemic shit. The mere fact that my family and friends and all the people I know well are still doing fine. Healthy and all. No one I know closely has caught COVID yet, and the only two people I know through works or politics who had it, recovered alright. All in all that’s something I’m incredibly grateful for.

(Live) Music

Not as much real life Frank Turner gigs I had planned or hope for. I’m glad I caught him and the Sleeping Souls supporting the Dropkick Murphys twice at the end of January, early February 2020. With a heavy heart and a few tears I had to cancel my trip to see Frank and Jess on a solo tour in March on short notice. Up until two nights before I was supposed to board the train I was still determined to go. It was supposed to be my show #55. I had sent him a song request already for crying out loud. Then reality set in and I cancelled it. Kind soul that Frank is, he put my friend Emily on the guest list for that show in Aylesbury, as I had bought our tickets (pick up at the venue) and that couldn’t be re-organized on short notice. Weird how memories of a trip I didn’t even go on, still pop up every once in a while.

In the late summer we had a brief window where distanced outdoor gigs were happening and I caught Tim Vantol twice. And it felt so good to sing along in a crowd again. I missed that .

Then of course there were the live streams. THANK GOD for live streams. I admit I basically only watched my two favourite artists though – Frank Turner and Felix Hagan – because Frank’s music means so much to me and because Felix covering everything under the sun each Friday night was so much fun to watch. And the regular people on the Facebook chat were are such a delight to hang out with every Friday evening.

Felix also did a “Any Song You Like Cover” for me. In Swedish. Which was weird and fun and involved some introspection and emotional growth (?) on my part, but that’s all I’m saying about it.

But I can’t wait to see live music on a stage again and I’m vaguely optimistic that it might happen in the 2nd half of 2021. Right now I contemplate buying a Biffy Clyro ticket for October. Indoors. I’ve already got a ticket to see Frank Turner at NOFX Punk in Drublic at an outdoor event in early June. Hoping this will take place after all. We’ll see.

Trips (to the sea)

I went to London in early January to see the amazing musical Operation Mincemeat once twice more and to meet up with friends and to take a few photos of the illuminated river. Good times.

I also went to the sea quite a bit, even though it’s always a at least 2 hour drive. First time – shortly before the first shutdown I spent a weekend at the Dutch coast and when things started opening up a bit over here I went up north to the German coast on a daytrip twice. In September – before things got bad again – I had booked a week on a dutch island and it was marvellous. I love the sea. It grounds me and calms me and I can’t wait to got back at some point this year. I hope to be able to get back on British soil as well. I still have Eurostar vouchers I need to use. Let’s see how Post-Brexit will work out for that.

I also went out for a few hikes / walks / day trips on my own or with a good friend around here as well. Not as much as I should have done probably, working out and keeping active wise. But I did go out there.

Learning to Play Guitar

I feel like I didn’t properly mention that on the blog so far. 24 years after my first unsuccessful attempt to teach myself how to play the guitar, I had a moment in early November where I thought: Why not try again? And yes, this – once again – has a tiny bit to do with Frank Turner as well. In the sense that I caught myself thinking “I wish I knew how to play the guitar / hadn’t given up on it back then to understand more of what he’s talking about when he does song tutorials”. Followed by that “What not give it another try?” thought.

Being too lethargic in December set my practice back a bit unfortunately, but I’m determined to keep that up after all. I don’t know if I’ll ever be any good, but I think I notice slight progress so far. Bit by tiny bit. And it’s fun and it feels like I’m doing something useful with my time.

LEGO

Another activity to keep me occupied and away from Netflix and to keep my mind from ruminating over stupid stuff: Building LEGO sets. I started with a small London skyline to see if I like the activity as such. What can I say… this is my London LEGO. There also is a small Paris skyline, an old camper van, and the statue of liberty.

This might be something I will keep doing, even when (not if) our lives go back to normal or the new kind of normal. Whenever that will be. It will get better. I want to believe that. And I do. Happy New Year, everyone!