Back To Shore

The title is a bad attempt to get some kind of routine to this possibly routine of Sunday posts. Throughout the week I’ve jotted down up to ten potential topics I thought I might elaborate on here when I find the time (aka today). Knowing me this post will include two of those topics at the most and a lot of random rambling.

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On Friday evening I took Twitter and Instagram off my phone – just for the day yesterday, both apps back on again – but I felt like I needed a tiny digital detox. And because I lack impulse control a digital detox was easiest achieved by not having the apps available. I was still on my phone more than I had planned. A bit on the Frank Turner Army Facebook group and a lot of WhatsApp, but the latter was at least with people I know.

When the weather forecast earlier in the week predicted a heatwave (or a super hot day anyway) for Saturday I knew I had or rather wanted to get away from it. This year so far I also didn’t spent as much time by the sea this year as I had liked. So I made plans and preparations and yesterday morning got in my car rather early and drove about 3 hours to the coast in the Netherlands.

All in all everything went fine, even though I’ll be glad that my next trip to the sea in early September will be to a then hopefully less busy place.

For the sea to properly work it’s calming soothing magic on me, the beach needs to have less people on it or at least give me enough space to be on my own with my own thoughts. Or no thoughts at all. But I’m still glad that I went and enjoyed the sun and the view and sound of the sea for a few hours.

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On the drive there and back I listened to a variety of podcasts episodes on among other things the war in Gaza/Israel, a few on mindfulness / mental health topics, an interview with Grace Petrie and two more podcasts interviewing Frank Turner. I think I might be all “frank-ed out” for a while, because it’s been similar / same questions over and over and of course he answers those with the same answers and anecdotes. I feel by now I could do that part of the job for him 🙂

In regards to podcasts I’m still looking for more podcasts to catch my interest and which I might listen to on a regular basis. Women’s voices please, because men have been given the podium without question for thousands of years already and I’m honestly not all that interested in what they have to say anymore. Yes, #notallmen, but in podcasting still too many for my taste.

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My list of the ten topics include the current debate on cancel culture in Germany. My changed perspective on the peace movement and arms manufacturers. Getting caught in the rain / drizzle way too many time this week. I can’t really be bothered to elaborate on either now to be honest.

Let’s end this with talking about books. I gave up on reading “Huckleberry Finn” about one third in after all. I just couldn’t take more of the meandering narrator’s voice and language. I know, it’s considered a masterpiece of literature for the use of the latter alone, but it’s been getting on my nerves. For a while I thought I’d try to live through the discomfort of it, because reading isn’t always supposed to be comfortable and easy and all. But I had to called it quits. I still will read “James” though I think, but possibly not any time soon. I also aborted another novel which I had high hopes for – “The Hundred Loves of Juliet” – but I didn’t like the writing and the plot was not what I had expected and again: I tried it for a while, but in the end decided against it. The novel I picked up instead seems to live up to my high expectations, though the plot also is a bit different than I had expected, but in a good way. I’ve read about one third of the book so far: “Cassandra in Reverse”.

I’ve sold another batch of my “never to read (again)” books and what did I do with the meagre proceeds? I used the 20% bonus on the sum to buy new (used) books again, of course. I did mention my lack of impulse control at the start of this post, right? It’s not just the lack of impulse control, I guess, but also the dopamine rush I get from ordering new books and the anticipation of the wonderful stories and/or insight I will get from reading them. There are worse “bad” habits to have, right?

After I last week finally managed to publish some of my thoughts on Frank Turner’s stunning song “Somewhere Inbetween” I had hoped that I would have cleared up some capacity in my mind to write about other stuff. I’m sorry to say that this isn’t quite the case. I still do have many many thoughts, most of them introspective though – many still brought on by the aforementioned song – and thus of no interest to a wider audience. I also do have ideas for longer posts or comments on various political / social issues. But right though I’m still shying away from putting those down on paper (so to speak), because I’m afraid that I still don’t know enough and haven’t considered all aspects and haven’t read all the information I need to form an opinion.

Often I also think that spending my time reading – weekly newspaper with more indepth analysis, articles on news sites, nonfiction on current issues – is more useful to me than sharing my thoughts online. So I don’t know. 

I don’t have a lot of distinct thoughts yet on what happened at the Trump rally in Butler, Pa last night. I admit I feel a bit detached and void of any empathy for him, which scares me a little. Because yes, Trump is a dangerous and evil man and was and would be a horrible president. But he’s still a human being and I should feel some empathy for someone who survived an assassination attempt, right? This also calls for more introspection.

I’m worried though – of course – what this all will mean for the election campaigns and the future of the USA, but I don’t know enough about it all and thus won’t go into that here either.

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The fun fair had been in my town recently and it’s a big deal for a lot of folks in my town. It’s part of the town’s tradition and rites and folklore and all that. People who have moved away come back for the weekend to visit the fair. Imagine all the people who ever graduated from highschool coming back together for one big reunion. But also running into and chatting and having a drink with all sorts of acquaintances from all parts of your life in a small town. People are very social and gregarious on that fair and the older I get the more I feel out of place when I’m there. I’ve never been that social or gregarious. And I’ve reached the point where I’m not sure I want to turn into a gregarious person for this occasion, because everybody else does. Stuck somewhere inbetween, eh? 

Some other thing that turns me off from the fair more and more year after year is the consumerism aspect of it all. The super cheap plush toys or other (plastic) prizes at the lottery or the games or merchandise at the stalls: probably imported from Asia, thrown away after one use or a few days, because they fall apart or just quickly aren’t interesting / useful anymore.

I’ve been thinking  / talking about the whole (societal / global) waste problem a bit more recently. The way we – as western society – these days so easily buy and throw away so much. How the round-the-clock availability of internet shops and the often free delivery has killed the high streets. The problems our waste causes in other parts of the world. I don’t have any solution. I try to be mindful of my own behaviour and live and shop more responsibly, but I’m only human and still experience the common human impulse of e.g. wanting to replace a broken gadget right away, because I need it. But do I really? More food for thought, I guess. My current particular “oh let’s replace the broken thing right away” impulse and the shame about acting on that, at least lead me to finally sell the Switch console I had bought during the first lockdown and hardly ever used in 2020 and not ever again after. Tiny steps.

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This all sounds a bit bleak, right? There have been happy moments in my past few weeks as well. Yes, I might have had some introspective – “Do I really fit in here? Have I ever?” – Somewhere Inbetween – thoughts during the first one. This song will play a part in my life for a while, deal with it. But it’s been a lovely day regardless.

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There’s also been a trip to the zoo, which is always fun,…

…and I still enjoy winding down by creating colourful random pieces of art? Is it art? What is art? I like doing it so what does it matter?

Another happy moment today: I made myself go for a run for the first time in about 6 weeks? And because I do have a problem with moderation I didn’t just go for the short 3K, but the 5K, which I haven’t done in a while.

The run went fine. Better than expected and that was marvellous.

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And now I’m going to watch England bring “it” home. Fingers crossed at least.

As long as I can remember I have been a person of words. Reading. Writing. Talking. Though the latter needs the addendum that I’ve always been a bit shy around people I don’t know (yet). If I’m on a familiar / friendly terms with you it might happen that I talk a lot, that I talk fast and that I won’t shut up.

A long time ago I tried to explain why many of Frank’s lyrics resonate with me the way they do:

All of a sudden there were these songs – these words to be exact – that touched me on so many levels, because I could relate to so many of the emotions or situations he was singing about. [….] because these words express what I feel or have felt at some point so much better than I ever could.

When I was writing about some of Frank’s words before, I usually was able to express in depth in my own words how and why his words resonate with me. To reference my own experience in my own words. To share my thoughts and emotions in my own words.

Until “Somewhere Inbetween”.

This song and these words are something I feel deep down in my bones and in every fibre of my being. I can’t find the (right) words to tell you why. And trust me, I tried. In so many words and so many different ways. The song has been released two months ago and I spent quite a bit of that time to think so many thoughts about it. To start draft after draft of this post. For now though I’ve decided to abandon the idea to explain in depth and in my own words why these lyrics resonate with me so incredibly much.

“All my fucking life” I’ve been struggling with lack of self-esteem, lack of self-confidence, tons of self-doubt and everything that comes with it. To some extent I still struggle with it and just slowly with help of therapy I did in 2022/2023 and with work I need to keep doing on myself, I’ve managed to understand some of the causes and to start finding ways to overcome some of it.

My self-doubt and lack of self-esteem have been telling me for so long to “put on a show” of being an accomplished and trouble-free child / teenager / adult. They only rarely allow(ed) me to share my doubts and fears and struggles and often also not allowed me to share my ideas, my wishes or my needs with others, because self-doubt and a lack of self-esteem tell me I don’t deserve to do that. Self-doubt and lack of self-esteem still also question many of the positive things that are said or happen to me. Even with the positive things I facilitate for myself or others, I still doubt that I can own that accomplishment or that I deserve it.

Knowing the concept of imposter-syndrome in theory doesn’t magically erase the doubts and struggles, let me tell you.

“Putting on a show” can be so isolating. Battling imposter-syndrome is so exhausting. And this song describes all these struggles so perfectly. There is nothing left for me to add. Except to thank Frank from the bottom of my heart for putting this deeply personal experience into a beautiful song and for releasing this song into the world. To thank Frank for sharing his vulnerability with us and for finding the perfect words to capture these difficult emotions. And by doing so help me to articulate (to myself at least) more of my own emotions as well.

I have no idea how visceral I’ll react to see and hear this song at my next gig! I might turn into a weepy mess at the barrier. Be that as it may, I can’t wait to hear and experience it live in October.