04.09.2021 | “If you were hoping that I am coping then you’re wrong…”

Lyrics: “L’appel” ~ Heavy Meds, 2021

Last night for the first time in a while I was wondering how much longer till I reach my breaking point. Without even having a clear idea what that breaking point might look like, but it’s just… a lot right now.

Work | Still the same amount of projects as before. I still feel overwhelmed a lot and it feels like time is running out or that we need to adjust our timeline on some projects. Which is not good, but also not such a huge disaster. I hope. I still feel like I’m not doing my best work. Scrap that, I know I’m not doing my best work. My supervisor told me – in the nicest way – during this year’s evaluation meeting, that while I’m doing good work, they thought and expected me to do even better work. And right now I’m torn between just doing the good work and be done with it and on the other hand wanting to do better work. But at the same time, feeling unable to deliver better work. I DON’T KNOW…. *sigh*

This week both my supervisor and our department head signed off on the way I want to structure a workshop next week. Instead of thinking “Cool”, my mind goes: “Mmmh, have they read it?” Are they really ok with it? Are they trying to trick me?” It’s exhausting to be me, believe me.

Family | We had working routine down so far taking care of the senior family member who needs care and assistance back at home. We still sometimes are a bit testy and bitchy about how other family members are doing things, but all in all, it worked fine. Looking back on these past four weeks I’m surprised about how much I don’t mind doing some stuff, like assisting with basic physical needs, if you know what I mean. Not something I’d want to do as a job (kudos to all the nursing staff everywhere, underpaid and undervalued), but I don’t mind doing it for a family member. Is that something unusual? I don’t know. Something to be proud of? That feels weird to say. We’re a family. I couldn’t imagine not helping out and doing it.

We had a bit of emergency last night or at least it felt like it, even though so far all tests done in hospital last night or today turned out fine. So obviously no heart attack, not another stroke, just old age and brittle bones and deteriorating health in general. Hopefully. It was still an evening with too much excitement for my taste. I was already in bed when I got called and of course I headed over to “watch over” the medics.

I think this constant, underlying worrying and the added actual worrying when something health-related happens, is wearing me down. Has been wearing me down since that they suffered that stroke mid-May. I’m just exhausted.

And with these closing words I’m heading off to bed (soon). Hoping the phone won’t ring around 10:30 again with bad news. Wish me luck. As my life is boring AF right now, here is a sunset photo from happier times. We will have those again at some point, right?

Sunset at Balnakeil Beach, Scotland, 2016
Sunset at Balnakeil Beach, Scotland, 2016

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *