16.08.2021 | “It makes me feel like I’m an alien…”

Lyrics: “Fatherless” ~ Frank Turner, 2022 (?)

These past few days were a bit exhausting, emotionally anyway. All of us family members might have expected the situation – to care for someone who needs assistance with a lot of activities – to be easier. I don’t know. I still think we could and can handle it. Others are more doubtful. And it’s wearing on all of us. To different degrees maybe, but we’ve had some tense moments. At least I thought they were tense, and I’m so emotional these days and my eyes well up so easily. When I’m angry or disappointed, not necessarily when I’m sad. I really don’t want to dig into the sadness right now. But we really do suck at communicating. That became more and more evident for me. Communicate about what we expect and need from each other and from the one we care for. I feel like I’m the one holding it all together, which might be an unfair assessment, but I can’t help it. It’s how it feels to me and it’s hard. I shouldn’t be the one to be in charge. I’m the youngest! I know, that’s pathetic to say, because we’re all adults – have been for 2-3 decades in fact – and it really shouldn’t matter. But it does to me. Family dynamics, eh?

All this made me think a lot about family and how they deal with each other. Seeing how messy and uncommunicative mine appears to be, the first impulse always is to think “Other families have it together, why are we such a mess?” and to feel a bit weird and ashamed about it. I always need a stern reminder that other families have their issues as well. My head knows that, because I hear it from friends, who have their share of difficulties with parents or siblings. And then I was also reminded of the chat during the Youtube stream when Frank played the song I quote in the title for the first time. So many people could relate to the lyrics on some level. No family is perfect. We are all just living our various shades of messy, human relationships with each other.

There is not really a point to this post, I guess. But when is there ever 😉

The world also is a right mess at the moment: Afghanistan. Haiti. COVID. Climate Crisis. All not really helping with my gloomy state of mind these days.

An uplifting post to start the week on, isn’t it ? Sorry. Here’s a reminder of better times….

Rainbow at a harbour in Scotland, with a castle ruin in the background
Scotland, Summer 2012

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