27.08.2021 | “So far from OK, tongue-tied and afraid…”

Lyrics: “Little Changes” ~ Frank Turner, 2018

Oh look, there is a blog I could / should write in. It’s been a while. A weird, exhausting, self-flaggelating while. I often feel to knackered to write something coherent here in the evenings. I’m awake early and sometimes think I should just write a post then, but that always just stays a fleeting though, while I dawdle my time away with other things in the morning.

I’m exhausted. I know being a carer – in whatever smallish capacity – for an elder relative, might be the main reason for that. It’s not even the ‘work’ itself, it’s the responsibility. The not openly addressed (yet) difference of opinion among us relatives who are taking shifts. I so wish we all through the generations had learned how to communicate more openly with each other.

Work is keeping me busy as well and overwhelmed. Mostly overwhelmed. I know I’m not doing my best work and not pulling my weight. My supervisor calls me out on it in the nicest way possible. It is their job to do so. But it still makes me feel even worse and makes me beat myself up even more. Which in turn paralyses me even more and the whole overwhelming cycle starts over.

What worries me most at the moment is, that I’ve lost interest in so many things. Or that those things that usually distracted me for a while or cheered me up or put me in a better mood, hold little interest to me. I have so many unread books on my shelf and I’m still buying new one regularly, always hoping that THIS one will be the one that keeps me hooked. Ok, not quite fair, I read my share of interesting enough books recently. But I’ve also started a lot more and put them away again, because I felt too meh about them. Which usually doesn’t happen to me all that often. I don’t know, I’m a bit lost. (“I’ve been lost more than found” would have been an apt lyrical title as well).

I had to run an errand this evening, stopped by the bookshop – unsuccessfully – and went out to dinner after. I feel like I need to force myself to do these kind of things, be in a room with other people, even if spaced far apart. A bit of normalcy. I was impressed that they asked for proof of vaccination or test at the door. Less impressed, that they didn’t ask for ID and barely glanced at my phone screen when I held it out. Still a long way to go, I’m afraid.

There is so much I feel I should say about COVID and how Germany handles (or not) the pandemic. About the horrors in Afghanistan. The climate crisis. Hello, anyone still remember Haiti? But… I’m exhausted and a bit grumpy and overwhelmed and at a loss.

The fact that autumn seems to be right in front of us, doesn’t help. I was seriously considering to turn on the heating when I got home tonight. Opted for a hot drink instead.

I can’t be bothered to look for any kind of image to go with this post. The post is all over the place anyway…

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