03.04.2021 | “I’ve been lost more than found…”

Lyrics: “Little Changes” ~ Frank Turner, 2018

Still a bit stuck in this weird, depressing pandemic funk. It’s hard, isn’t it? I want to be more optimistic and want to believe, that it will get better at some point, but the lack of proper governing over here and the recent complications about the AstraZenica vaccine and so much more are not making me too hopeful. There are more “anti Covid / anti restrictions / anti whatever” rallies going on in various cities this weekend. No mask, no distance, no regulation from the police. I’m so tired. I’m trying to look for the good things in my life and there are still a lot, I just need to be more mindful of those, I guess. At the moment I’m dwelling on past memories and daydreams about the future too much. Or as much as ever, but it finally starts to hit home that it’s not a good mindset for me to be in. Be more present and all that. I’m working on that.

This might be the most boring of blog posts, but… hey, welcome to my life. There is just nothing happening, when you abide by the offical rules of living through a pandemic. On my social media I read and see more and more people who might not be outright flaunting the rules, but at least still are taking some liberties. I seem to be a stickler for rules and I probably always have been and it makes me uncomfortable to realize, that people, who I know at least to some degree, sometimes obviously feel ok not sticking to all the rules all the time. It messes with my head quite a bit.

Even though I’m officially off work this week and it’s the weekend I talked on the phone this afternoon to a freelancer who is running a project for us and whom I let hanging way to long with input and support from my side. I felt really bad when it turned out that she shouldered much more than she was supposed to or getting paid for. I dreaded talking to her, because I felt so guilty, but it turned out to be fine in the end. More or less. Of course once we hang up I started doubting myself again. Also doubting myself about I need to be doing next week. Lots and lots of doubts again at the moment. More lost than found, indeed…

Let’s talk a bit more about a few good things. After some mostly only okayish books . Reluctant Royals series – I can’t be bothered to read the 3rd one – and another quite alright one – “Back to the Burbs” – right now I’m hooked on “The Things We Leave Unfinished“: a novel about two different love stories, set 70 years apart. Well the WW II story clearly is a love story, albeit one that will probably break my heart. The modern times plot has potential for a love story, at least that’s how it’s set up and I’m curious to see how it will develop. I have a thing for tragic, heartbreaking WW II love stories it seems, so for now I’m all good. Masochist. And it’s weird, because I’ve discarded other stories recently where some tragic events were the base of story or are hinted at and I couldn’t bring myself to read those, as I consider living through a pandemic tragic enough. But a tragic story from WW II seems to be fine by me. Weird? Yes. I don’t care though…

Inspired by a Twitter friend I’ve started properly watching the Outlander TV series from the start last night. If you’ve known me for a while, you will remember that I used to be a huge Outlander fan. Of the books and once the news about the TV show broke in 2013 of the show as well. And I still am a fan of both, even though I didn’t like a few of the directions the TV show took in the past two seasons. I’m also a bit over the whole crazy, intense fandom. They might have toned it down a bit by now. I don’t know, I’m far removed from most of the current stuff going on. I still think Caitriona Balfe and Sam Heughan are lovely, kind, down-to-earth (and very pretty) human beings. But I have to admit I’m a tiny bit fed up by Sam using his Twitter to promote movies and whiskeys and other stuff, even though I know that’s totally unfair on my part. It’s his account and if you have a project you want to make known, plugging it on social media is the way to go these days. It’s just feels like a bit much recently…

Watching Outlander makes me miss Scotland quite a bit and puts me in this weird / desperate “Will things will ever get back to normal?” headspace. My brain says: Yes it will, don’t worry, it might just take a while. But my heart is missing the lochs and glens and hills. So I might spam you with Scotland / Outlander photos here along with my rewatch, in my “Fragments of Travel Memories” bit…

"Craigh na Dun" (without the stones)
“Craigh na Dun” (without the stones), 2016
"Castle Leoch"
“Castle Leoch”, 2016

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