21.07.2020 | “I used to have such balance, but I don’t know where it went” *

That (blog title) isn’t quite true. I never had a lot of balance, not in the calm, well-adjusted, easy-going kind of way anyway. I was always a tiny bit too worried. Too anxious. A bit off-kilter. I’ve managed to find more of an equilibrium these last few years. And even after the first few months of COVID-19 shock and fatigue and freeze mode, I thought I’d found a 2020 balance at least.

For mostly unknown reasons I’ve been feeling properly out of whack for the last few days. My body seems to be in constant fight-or-flight mode. Which I usually only experience when I’m temporarily anxious or agitated or worried about something. But this feels constant! All the freaking time. Even when I don’t have any outward reason to worry or be anxious. Nerd that I am, I ‘swear’ on the stress level chart of my Garmin smart watch. And it shows what I’m experiencing. Stressed completely off the charts! I’m afraid it might be a bit of self-centred spiralling going on. I’m feeling agitated about not knowing why I’m so bloody agitated. I hate this.

I have to deal with some important stuff at work at the moment: the future concept (staff and budget wise) for a project we’re taking over and drafting the necessary resolution for the higher ups to sign off on it, is taking so much time and is so much work and there is quite a bit at stake. I’m also spending so much time and energy and thought on this project, that a lot of other stuff, which is also important, is pushed to the back burner, which isn’t good either. So I have some reason to be worried to some degree. But not like this. I hate this.

The notes app on my phone holds various notes / prompts for a blog post. Some other day, I guess. I’ll now lie down for a nap to be woken up by the alarm in about 90 minutes to watch Frank Turner and Jaret Reddick on “Back to the Metal”. It’s time for questions from Frank’s channel today. Yes, I’m a crazy, irresponsible (I need sleep, god damit) fangirl. But what can I say… it’s always fun to watch and as I doubt I’ll see Frank for another 12 months, I’ll take all the online appearances I can get.

* Lyrics: Imperfect Tense, Frank Turner, 2008

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