Back To Shore

Lyrics: “Little Changes” – Frank Turner, 2018

I recently stopped using the podcast app Pocket Casts, where I had signed up for a free account a long time ago. I refuse – or at least try to limit – my use of the big players (Spotify, Amazon, Google) to listen to podcasts. Diversify and all that. When my Pocket Casts app startscreen was getting crowded recently I realized I’d have to switch to the paid account to be able to use folders so I looked into alternatives and found AntennaPod. Free / open-scource is not a must-have for me, but always nice and when I read that I could use a Nextcould app – gPodder – to sync devices (my regular phone and my simple backup that I sometimes like to use as distraction free mediaplayer) I was sold. It works on both those devices and also easily on Android Auto, which is a must, as I’ve started listening to podcasts in my car a lot.

I used the slightly tedious job of subscribing / downloading all my regular podcasts and interesting episodes in the new app for some housekeeping; deleting downloaded or queued episodes I know I probably won’t listen to after all, added some new potentially interesting ones. I still struggle with my strange – perfectionist related? – impulse of “I need / want to catch up with ALL the episodes” of a subscribed podcast. I don’t know why I feel like I failed when I don’t.

I have now filed my subscriptions into the following categories: 

• History
• Interview
• Politics / News
• Science
• Self-care
• Women Roar

The latter is basically also interviews and at least one I could have just as well put under self-care. But these days and age I very much enjoy listening to female hosts with a distinct feminist lens in their interviewing / chatting. Because I am SO sick of cis white guys talking to each other in front of a microphone. One of my male self-care podcasts hosts recently shared that he was included in Hollywood Reporter’s “44 Most Powerful Players in Podcasting in 2025” list. Good for him, but when I looked at the complete list over 75% of the podcasts had male hosts, 22% were female only, and the rest were a 1 men / 2 women panel of hosts, but that doesn’t really change the ratio. So yes, I’d like to hear more women roar.

Why am I talking about podcasts to this length anyway? One of the single episodes (not sure yet if it’s worth a subscription) I finally listened to was a German one about how to make the most of our leisure time (or as we in German call it “free time”) from a neuroscience / psychological point of view. (“Gehirn Gehört” – Folge 57: Freie Zeit – Wie erholen wir uns wirklich?) I found lots of it quite eye opening and I think I probably should have known all that already, but it was a helpful reminder: the brain doesn’t need relaxation like a muscle does, in the way that resting and not using is relaxing. The brain best ‘relaxes’ with different activities – like literal activity – or with having your brain focus on stuff, but do something different than you do during your working part of the day. Play an instrument, do a jigsaw puzzle, go out and really listen to nature or do a guided tour of a city or. All is better for your brain than consuming media on your sofa at home (TV, music, books to some extent), because the brain doesn’t engage when it’s just watching / listening, but not doing anything more. Does that makes sense? I find it difficult to translate it from German into English.

With all that in mind I had originally planned to take myself away for the day today: Take the long drive to the ocean for just the day or do another part of the St. James Way. Either way, just take myself away for the day and be a bit active. Because my work week was rather stressful for a variety of reasons – formalities, budget restrictions, interpersonal stuff – and a lot of my “free” time was taken up with my civic engagement in local politics. That was equally stressful for a lot of other reasons, which I won’t go into. But by Friday afternoon I realized that things need to be done (by me in front of a computer) even on this Sunday. So taking off for a whole day was not an option, sadly.

In the spirit of at least “doing something” in my leisure time I took myself of for a sort of mini break to Düsseldorf (45 minutes drive) last night: Dinner at my favourite burger place (restaurant chain), seeing a movie (with my unlimited card) and after that taking some photos at the media harbour at night.

Over 12.000 steps and keeping my brain active by needing to make lots of decisions: which building, which perspective, which camera settings. Not too bad. Neither are the results, I think.

On Thursday morning I reported to the outpatient surgical centre for my scheduled gynaecological procedure. It all went fine. Beforehand I hadn’t worried too much about it, which still sometimes is a weird / new state of mind for me. And I wasn’t really worried while I was there either. All the staff were friendly and patiently explained what they wanted / needed me to do or what they were doing to me; very mindful about making me comfortable and all. It feels weird to stress that they did, as if these days we usually expect to be manhandled through these kind of things, because we all know that “time is money” even and especially in the healthcare sector, which often is short-staffed and all. Anyway, I felt well looked after.

As to be expected I don’t remember the actual moment I went under; the last thing I remember was the kind anaesthetist asking me how I was doing and a light burning sensation along my arm with the cannula. The next thing I “remember” was being somewhere (in a dream, ok) and people started pulling me away sideways from there. And then I was already in the recovery room. I know enough about blood pressure, heart rate etc to infer from the glance on the monitor above my bed that I was doing fine. After a while they unhooked me from the EKG and blood pressure cuff, gave me something to eat and drink, then a bit after that they also took out the cannula and slowly led me back to the changing room. A quick chat with the operating surgeon – it all looked fine, but of course we need / should wait for the lab report as well – and I was allowed to be picked up.

I signed in at the clinic at 7:30, was brought into the operating room around 9:00, called my pickup at 11:30, was home by 12. No big deal indeed. I also was lucky that my body handled the anaesthesia well and I only experienced mild cramping for a few hours after. But that was similar to regular period cramps, nothing to take pain killers for. Post op bleeding also was much less than I had expected (worried); like I stated above it all went fine.

That weird perfectionist part of my brain very quickly tried to tell me that, when I so obviously was doing fine, I could just as well do some of the tasks that needs to be doing. Not physical ones like chores, but there is still quite a bit of admin and organisational tasks to do for the local election campaign and regular life admin in general. I’m happy to say that I managed to silence that part of my brain and tried very much to actually rest.

For a tiny while I pondered that impulse to “need to do things” and then decided to blame patriarchy and capitalism. The world I was raised in. And to defy that by doing my best to rest and recuperate for the weekend. I lay down on the air bed at the family home (mandatory 24hour post op supervision) for a bit, than took my book out to the lounger on the patio.

I moved from there to the couch and later in the evening back out on the patio to hang out with my brothers for a bit. The night was ok, nothing to do with any post op stuff, just the usual more restless sleep in a different bed in a different room with sounds from a different neighbourhood. I stayed in the family home till yesterday afternoon, taking it just as easy (lounger, sofa…) before I went back to my own place.

Still took it rather easy today, because I reminded myself, that even though there is no visible sign outside on my body (no cut, no bandage), a part of my body was cut into and that it needs healing. The fact that I slept for about 10 hours straight last night is a good indicator that my body needs rest, I’d say. So that’s what I’m going to do. Tonight and tomorrow. Though tomorrow I might need to get working on some of those local election admin tasks as well. Maybe.

Lyrics: “Polaroid Picture” – Frank Turner, 2013

Back from a weekend away with friends and while that was quite relaxing and recharging, my mind too quickly went into a bit of an overdrive. Work and life and all that. I had to head into the office yesterday and the day did not go as I had originally planned. Urgent team meetings, finalizing tasks for a coworker who’s on vacation, “can you comment on this report ASAP” request, callback on of the coworker’s task just when I had wanted to leave the office. It was good though as it cleared my schedule for today. More or less anyway.

But my mind still feels a bit all over the place and I could definitely use more time off soon. Which I sadly won’t be able to take until mid-September. I’ll try to not stress about work too much till then and definitely make use of the 15 or so hours of overtime I’ve got this year so far. Work an hour or two less each week and not feel guilty about it, because I’ve earned the hours off for the overtime hours I’ve worked before. But I sometimes still like I’m “slacking off”, even though that’s not what I do. Ugh! I talked to a male coworker about that a while ago and was surprised that he felt the same way. I always thought it were predominately women who felt like that.

Anyway, back to that lovely weekend. We had lots of yummy food… (More than this here, I didn’t always pull out the camera).

…we played games, we had massages, we relaxed…

… we explored the surroundings.

I should do those mini-breaks more often. I should definitely get a massage more often. And I need to definitely get more sleep. Over and out.