Back To Shore

A few days ago I tweeted this…

The next song on shuffle turned out to be “Once We Were Anarchists” and from the lyric “old enough to be jaded” my monkey mind jumped to “Oh, how about a blog post about all the (lovely) English words @frankturner taught me over the years” I’m beyond help #nerd

— Susanne D (@dennasus) December 18, 2021

… and today I thought it was about time to follow through.

I’ve mentioned often enough that I love the English language. That might be because it is the only language – except my native tongue – I really comprehend quite well. Even with a thorough comprehension of the language, I still learn new (to me) phrases and words all the time. Through TV shows I watch, novels or articles I read and yes, over the years quite a few through Frank’s lyrics as well. Also through some of his interviews, because let’s face it, he is one eloquent ‘public school boy’, though he might not look like it 🙂

Here is the list of my ten favourite words Frank “has taught” me through his songs. And no, I often can’t really explain why I like this particular word more than others, so I won’t even try to. It’s a sonic thing, I think. Looking at this list it seems like I have a thing for R’s and S’s.

#10 scurrilous, adjective

definition: expressing unfair or false criticism that is likely to damage someone’s reputation

“With greed in his heart and his scurrilous claim,
He took the land for his own.” (English Curse)

#09 insidious, adjective

definition: (of something unpleasant or dangerous) gradually and secretly causing harm

“Your distance insidious,
As soft as a blow.” (Smiling At Strangers on Trains)

#08 scurry, verb

definition: to move quickly with small, short steps

“Now you can go down with the wreck, or you can scurry from the deck” (Out of Breath)

#07 wrought, verb

definition: (only as a past participle and in the past tense) caused something to happen

“And it seemed to be working for a couple of years;
I wrote a few songs and they wrought a few tears” (Romantic Fatigue)

#06 tarry, verb

definition: to stay somewhere longer than expected

“She earned her reputation on those bitter Camden streets.
If you’d tarry with the Bingham girl, you’d hold your manhood cheap” (Jinny Bingham’s Ghost)

#05 mire, noun

definition: an unpleasant situation that is difficult to escape

“[….] one who condescends
To wash his hands down in the mire among the misery of men” (One Foot Before The Other)

#04 furtive, adjective

definition: done secretly and often dishonestly

“Life is about love, last minutes and lost evenings,
About fire in our bellies and furtive little feelings” (I Knew Prufrock Before He Got Famous)

#03 ire, noun

definition: anger

Love, Ire & Song (song and album title)

#02 skirt, verb

definition: 1. to go around the edge of something; 2. to avoid discussing a subject or problem, usually because there are difficulties that you do not want to deal with:

“I’ve been skirting round the rim of doing something
Brave, and not just standing, but jumping in” (Plain Sailing Weather)

#01 jaded, adjective

definition: not having interest or losing interest because you have experienced something too many times

“I’m young enough to be all pissed off
But I’m old enough to be jaded” (Once We Were Anarchists)

[All references are from the Cambridge Dictionary, because my OALD is on the shelf at home and the online version isn’t available for free.]

Lyrics: “Josephine” ~ Frank Turner, 2013

I don’t quite know why one bit of this interview / podcast with Frank Turner stuck with me long after I listened to it yesterday morning on my way to work. He has been open about his mental health issues and his (former) drug use often enough before. Maybe not always as direct as he’s in this bit below, where he talks about how his addiction issues manifest themselves even today, when he hasn’t been doing hard drugs for a few years.

I had so many thoughts running through my mind when I heard that. Just like Jess my first reaction was “Really? I had no idea!”, followed by “I should have known, because that’s what I’ve read / heard / seen from former addicts. It’s a lifelong condition”. Followed by admiration / appreciation for Frank for being able to handle it now and for being so open about it. Followed by… and now we’re getting to the core of this post:

What are the ‘drugs’ I think about every hour, every day, all day, forever? I’m using drugs as a metaphor here, of course, because I don’t drink or smoke or do any kind of harder drugs. Never have. But there are so many other things – behavioural most of all – that are or can be similarly self-destructive to someone’s mental health as drugs are.

So, this morning I started a “my ‘cocaine'” list of some of my own unhelpful / self-destructive behaviour or behavioural patterns in my journal. And trust me there is a wide range of it recognizable for me, when I look at my life and activities more closely. I usually just rather tend not to, because I don’t like what I see when I do. Avoidance. I think that’s the basic theme for most of my issues. I’ll try to be more mindful of that (aka monitor it) for the next few days. But I’m afraid it’s not going to be pretty.

Anyway, thanks once again to Frank for being so open about his own mental health issues. Even if mine have different roots (possibly) and manifestations (definitely) than his, the fact that he talks about it does help. So so much!

Lyrics: “Dan’s Song” ~ Frank Turner, 2009

A few days ago I upgraded my camera kit. I had vaguely thought about it for a while and also had reached a “you need to do something” state of my mind. I’m rather impulsive when I get to this point, because those “do something” projects are also clearly some kind of distraction from whatever gloomy place my mind had went to at that point. Remember the “buying a guitar” last year? Ehm, I really should get back to trying to learn to play that. It’s gathering dust in the corner of my living room.

But anyway, I decided to buy the camera and I also knew I wanted to spend the weekend playing around with it. I decided on a mini break and the chance to try out the new camera outside of my usual setting. I also thought that a change of scenery might help me to unwind a bit more. Not be distracted by Netflix on my TV or any book lying around. But also not get dragged into another cycle of self-loathing in my familiar setting where every corner reminds me of the things I should/could be doing instead of staying on my couch in some sort of lethargy. My mind is a mess sometimes.

Long story short: I booked myself into a 4 stars hotel in Düsseldorf Media harbour. To be able to snap lots of interesting photos around there on the Saturday. And to possibly just have some time to be more introspective with nothing distracting me. No personal clutter and all that. I didn’t do too much introspection, but that’s fine. I was out and about snapping a lot of pictures. I napped. I went to bed early. I had two extensive breakfasts….

I loved it. I should do things like that more often especially as I haven’t really been on a proper relaxing vacation since… long before the pandemic really. I’ve been to the sea for a a week each in September 2020 and in July 2021. But that’s not enough.

Here are some of my photos. I forgot to bring my tripod, so the night photography turned out quite blurry. I need to re-read more about the settings for that and all.

There were quite a few cute Peanuts images at the arches on the riverbank…

Some closeups of the Gehry Buildings…

Here is the end of the day companion piece to the sunrise photo from above….

A view of the the media harbour, the colourful building is the hotel I was booked in.

Ending it with a blurry one…. But so much potential with better camera settings and a tripod.