Lyrics: Wanderlust – Frank Turner, 2011
Mood | I had an mostly ok to good day yesterday, but for some reason my mood spiralled down the drain in the afternoon / evening. I wish I knew what triggers those so I could better look out for it. I turned grumpy and lethargic (more than usual these days) and started making plans while also telling me that I’ll never carry those out so what’s the point and so forth. I went too bed early, slept well enough to go ahead and set one of those plans – driver somewhere for a hike – in action. Hah! See that, grumpy yesterday me?
Mother’s Day | Today is/was Mother’s Day here, the first without my Mum. We never made a big fuss about this day when she was alive, but of course acknowledge it so it felt a bit weird to not be there with flowers and having cake or just spent time. But I spent time with her several days each week so this one Sunday was never something special. Should it have been? I don’t know. We were/are a to some degree dysfunctional family. I don’t want to talk to self-deprecating about it all, because by now I know that most families have their share of problems. Things unsaid. Things said! Feelings hurt or not acknowledged. That all IS normal and I’m starting to not just understand but actually believe and accept that.
Therapy | In our third session this week, I had a tiny Eureka moment. When we talked about my dad, who died when I was 14 and I had been quite the Daddy’s girl till then, so of course that hit me hard. I thought I had written down some thoughts here wondering how my life had turned out if he had been around to counteract the problematic relationship I had with my mum for most of my teenage and young adult years. I didn’t find that post right now though. Anyway, my therapist suggested, that I use my dad’s obvious love and appreciation for me as a reminder for my self-worth and self-love. Does that make sense? Anyway, it did to me and when I said to her, that I could / should have come to that conclusion myself, my therapist joked “But that’s what I’m getting paid for”. I like her.
Hiking | If you follow me on Instagram, you know that I went for a hike today. The first in ages. I probably wrote about hiking quite a bit in the old pre-pandemic blog. I’m pretty sure I didn’t in this version of it, because I haven’t done a lot of it since I started this the first pandemic summer. My parents met on a multi – days – hiking trip over 50 years ago. They loved hiking and they took us to do it with them so, so, so many times when we were little. I didn’t do a lot of that for almost three decades until I caught the My Peak Challenge bug and hiking sort of turned into my activity of choice. I remember writing at some point that my dad probably would be proud. I hope so. Anyway, today I went for a hike. I could claim I did it in honour of Mother’s Day, but I didn’t really. I just wanted to get out and clear my head and be active and distract myself from too many gloomy thoughts. And that worked. I wish I could tap into that drive more often. But maybe I will…