Lyrics: “Non Serviam” ~ Frank Turner, 2021
All morning and way into the early afternoon I noticed that I spend too much time in my own head. Contemplating other people. People I don’t even know that well, because I just follow them on social media. But I was thinking about why they do what they do? What it might mean for me or how I see them and how it might affect me? Spoiler alert: In 95% of the cases it does not affect me at all. I could just so easily ignore it. Mute them. Unfollow them. Whatever. Just not read what they post. I don’t have to engage. I don’t have to care. But… of course in some cases I still do for whatever reason. This is getting cryptic. Trust me I was more open about it when I gathered my thoughts about it offline in my journal. But I did notice – once again or even more than before – that I pay too much attention to what other people do or how they act/react. It really shouldn’t concern me as much.
In some ways I’ve always been that way, looking towards other people, because I didn’t trust my own opinion maybe? Comparing myself to others. So so so wrong for my mental health. I know that now. Not that it stops me. I’m working on it but it’s hard to break the habit of decades, isn’t it? I always compared myself to others and often got envious of whatever they accomplished or achieved or just did. Always thinking I could / will never do that or get there. Which also often stopped me for even trying to, but that’s a whole other issue.
Another lazy Sunday, which went not as I had planned and I am tempted to beat myself up over that as well. But I’m tired and a bit headache-y, probably because I didn’t drink enough water today. I’m also once again quite sad and a bit lost after my visit to the nursing home today. The mood was ok, just a bit tired all over and I think I still haven’t made my peace with the fact that it’s going to end there in the nursing home at some point. I have no idea how many more weeks / months we’ve got and it’s scary and sad and today once again absolutely dragged my mood down. For no particular reason, just because… it sucks!
I’m so damned tired of so much in my life right now. There isn’t much I can do about that at the moment though. Forgive myself for all my (assumed) failures. Take a breath. Get some rest. Get up and start again tomorrow.
Today’s photo is the wallpaper I put back on the new tablet. I miss Scotland.