23.07.2023 | Just Some Random Sunday Thoughts

I always find it a bit difficult to decide how to start a post. Does it need an easygoing introduction of sorts or can I just crash into your days – whenever you’re reading this (if anyone is reading this) – with my random thoughts / prompts? After all this time I still haven’t quite figured it out. I know I’ve changed the way I use this space of mine. When I look back on posts from a decade ago, it seems I didn’t think about it all that much and just wrote. Which might have been the better attitude? I’m clearly overthinking this as usual.

Physical Health | I had planned to go for a scheduled run this morning, but the usually very reliable forecast predicted rain so I changed my plans and schedule the run for tomorrow morning. It doesn’t seem to have rained one drop here so far. Though while I’ve started typing this I see some fine rain – not more than mist to be honest – falling outside my window. I could have been back hours ago before this all, had I decided to go for that run after all. Oh well. I’m glad that over the last year I seem to have learned to be better with this small setbacks and frustrations. To just accept them for what they are – tiny bumps in the road – and not turn them into much bigger problems. To not let those tiny bumps set me back or make me give up the whole idea, because it seems pointless and because I’m too weak / stupid / any other self-derogatory term to finish what I’ve started.

Two weeks from now I’ll be in London for just one day (Friday) to watch “Operation Mincemeat: A New Musical” once more. At first I thought maybe I should pack my camera gear and spend the Thursday evening, with some night photography down by the Tower Bridge. Last evening I thought what about packing my running gear instead and go for a run along the canal on Friday morning? It went so far that I checked distances from Camden Lock to near-ish my hotel by Kings Cross. Or from even further than Camden Lock like Regent’s Park, though that would be a much longer distance than I’ve run yet with the training I’m doing at the moment. I once DID ran from Camden Lock along the Canal and through Regent’s Park back in 2018 though. Maybe I just want to recreate that feeling of accomplishment. We’ll see….

The numbers on the scale finally moved down another bit and even though I don’t want to pay too much attention to it, of course I do.

Mental Health | This morning I finally filled out the few “end oft therapy” questionnaires, I’ve been asked to fill out. It still sometimes feels a bit weird to me that I can honestly answer most of the questions in a more positive mindset. More positive than when I started therapy – as it should be – but also more grounded in the self-awareness, that I’m ok. If that makes sense. I know I still need to work on some issues and I need to watch out for certain things, but all in all I’m doing good and that feels amazing. This here are my PHQ 9 (screening for depression questionnaire) results over the therapy period.

A graph going from max 8 to 3-1 in the end over the last 1,5 years

The scale goes up to 30, so depression or depressive episodes haven’t really been my biggest issue. But all in all it’s nice to see the numbers align with how I feel.

Distractions | This goes along with the whole “mental health” topic, but deserves it’s own prompt. Years ago I’ve subscribed to the RSS feed of the Leo Babauta’s “Zen Habits” blog. I admit I sometimes just skim the posts, but this last one stayed with me for a while longer, because I recognized a lot of my own behaviour in it: “We are mostly trying to escape the moment”. I think in my case I sometimes do that with apps on my phone, though I’m trying to cut back on that. It’s often definitely with reading, which I do for fun of course, but when I’m honest also I often do it to distract myself or to procrastinate or whatever. It also sometimes happens with sound like music (or podcasts) while I’m doing other things like writing this post, do chores, drive to work. I specifically not turned on any music for this right now and let me tell you it feels weird. Not bad, just weird. I will definitely spend some more time paying closer attention to my distractions these next few days / weeks.

Pandemic Aftermath | This morning I read an article about how the rightwing parties all over Europe (as demonstrated by the German AfD) appeal to people not on a rational, but an emotional level. And how after years and years of worries and uncertainty and even trauma from the pandemic, the war in the Ukraine, Climate Crisis and such some people are more perceptive to the seemingly simple solutions those parties offer. The rise of right wing / possibly fascist parties in Europe is a whole different topic, I’m not sure I’ll ever be ready to address in the way it needs to be addressed.

But the pandemic aftermath is something I definitely notice in myself in the weirdest way. You’d think over a year after most restrictions where lifted and at least half a year after I myself stopped to abide by any personal restrictions (mask with indoor groups and/or public transport), life would have returned to normal. And it has of course, because – like I said – I’m not applying any of the many restriction rules to myself anymore. After my antibodies test came back with such stellar results in March I’m not really worried about catching it any time soon and not in the summer time anyway. But a tiny part of me still is a bit startled almost every time – and I really do mean almost EVERY time – I enter any of the familiar shops or other locations like my GP practice and not see any restrictions in place. I don’t know what part of my physical or mental memory is startled for a millisecond to see everything back to pre-pandemic normal except for the plastic shields still up in some places, which might just be the new normal anyway. So many times I then also for a millisecond have flashbacks of how it used to be at the height of the restrictions. Checkout queues till the back of the supermarket. Hearing myself bitch to a customer in the dairy section for not keeping 6 feet distance (we were both masked of course). Having the pizza delivered to the bottom of the stairwell and not to my door. And so much more…

Frankly it’s a bit annoying to have these images pop up in my mind all the time over and over again. I still haven’t find a good way to replace them with other images though. So if any of you have similar experiences and maybe and idea how to let go of it all… please share them with me.

17.07.2023| “So While You Can, Take a Picture of Us…”

Lyrics: “Polaroid Picture” ~ Frank Turner, 2013

I might regret my lack of impulse control in the next few days as I couldn’t let the ‘replace my point and shot camera’ idea go. After work – when the rain once again kept me from running my errands – I looked into it a bit more. The lack of impulse control especially came into play because I have another gig to go to in two weeks and if I replace my ‘gig camera’ it needed to be now.

The camera I had picked has been on the market for a while, so most retailers don’t have it readily available. In the end I opted to buy it second-hand (with 1 year warranty) at the same place I had planned to sell my old ‘good’ camera to as well as the current ‘point and shoot’ one. Because they will be able to send it right away. If all goes as planned the new (2nd hand) camera will only cost me about 130 € in the end. Of course I even could have made a profit of 240 € if I had just kept the old small one, sold the old big one and not bought a new small one. But where is the fun in that?

Cameras packed in a box to be sold

Work was… work. It seems as if half our team is off on vacation, which leads to the remaining staffers having to fill in on projects or to answer questions more than usual. Finish the tasks those on vacation seemed to have forgotten about before they took off. All fine though. I find myself being more and more confident in what I do and the only thing that’s a bit pathetic about this is, that it took me over 10 years to get to that feeling. But here it is. At last.

In our team meeting a term came up most of us didn’t know / understand. I vaguely recalled it from my courses of study at uni. The new staffer who joined our team us a few weeks ago, did the same Bachelor / Masters so I looked at them (on our screens in the video call) for confirmation and they could even name the actual class in the 1st or 2nd year it had come up in. I started uni in 1994. They were born in 1996. I had learned that term when they hadn’t been born yet. When I realized that after I felt so old. Again.

I’m doing better and better with cutting back my time on some social media. Instagram is still the biggest time sink for me, because of the reels and clips and such. But I’m working on it and logging out of all the services after use definitely keeps me from checking it all too often during the day.

I spend the time reading a novel instead and thus could finish “Romantic Comedy” already after 1.5 days. And not enough sleep, as I kept reading too long last night. But it was an entertaining story and that’s all that matters, right?

16.07.2023 | “Sing for the Words That You Knew, but They Still Make You Choke…”

Lyrics: “Pass It Along” ~ Frank Turner, 2011

This will be part gig review, part moping about a lazy day wasted (today), part reminding myself of what works well for me. That kind of random thought blog post…

Live Music | I must have mentioned here how I’ve been blown away by Thees Uhlmann, a German singer / songwriter at Lost Evenings 5 in Berlin last year? I’ve managed to catch him & his band once more at a proper headline gig and as support for a big fundraiser gig since. Last night I drove about 150 km (one way) to see him play on a lovely small (~1200 capacity) open-air stage in a more rural area.

Thees Uhlmann auf der Bühne

He hasn’t quite reached “Frank Turner” level of fangirling for me, but he is definitely always worth the money for a ticket and time spent in a car driving there. I like his music and I love so many of his lyrics, which hasn’t happened with German lyrics for me in like forever. I can be a bit of a snob in that regard, I know. But some of Thees’ words just speak to me. And he’s always fun to see on stage. Very down to earth, very friendly, very chatty. Great guy.

Yesterday morning I had been worried about predicted rainstorms in the evening, but luckily the rain only set in when I was on the drive back home already. Perfect time for a perfect summer evening.

Lazy Day | Today sort of got away from me. I did a bit of what I had put on my list, but I’ve also got properly distracted or rather let myself get distracted by considering if I want to replace my small digital camera, which I usually take with me to gigs and such. I spent way too much time on websites comparing features and costs and in the end haven’t made up my mind anyway. I just felt bad about spending so much time on something that isn’t even an urgent issue at the moment. I’m doing my best to not let this drag me down the spiral, I mentioned in one of the last post. It’s ok to have good and not so good days, right?

Physical Challenges | This prompt sums up running and interval fasting and all that. And is a good reminder of the good days or the things I’m doing well with at the moment. I did go for a run on Friday after work. It’s something I might get used to, as long as the weather holds. It wasn’t too much hassle to change into running pants in the parking lot 😉 and to pack water bottle and towel and shoes and all that in my car in the morning.

Old industrial building on the left, a canal with a unique red bridge on the right. Trees, meadow and a path straight ahead in the middle. Blue sky with clouds above

The other thing I’m handling surprisingly well (compared to other times) so far is keeping the interval fasting routine. Last night for instance I ate a sandwich before I headed from the parking lot to the venue for the gig around 18:15 last night. I did have some other food and snacks left over in my car from the drive up. And I could have easily snacked on the drive back home, I mean I experienced the impulse. But I didn’t. The numbers on the scale move down bit by bit, not as quick as I sometimes hope, but still in a totally normal rate especially as I’m not really dieting and still eat my share of “junk food”. In moderation and not late in the evening at least.

Neither did I snack late in the evening that when I had to do another late night drive (just 30 minutes though) on Friday, when I picked up two of my brothers from a gig they went to. I brought my camera to stroll around the area a bit south of the park where the gig took place. You can never go wrong with bringing a camera to previous industrial sites.

Industrial Heritage Ruhr Area

In the past few years they’ve build a whole new business / entertainment quarter around this. Well, no whole space which previously has been used for this huge industrial (coal, steel and such) operation. But I like that they keep some of the old structures as well.

Entertainment | These past few days I’ve finished watching season 2 of “The Lincoln Lawyer” which only had 5 episodes, so that wasn’t such a big accomplishment :-). I was a bit bored by it all to be honest. No idea if I’ll pick it up again once they’ll show the second half of that season. I watched the latest “Outlander” on Thursday and realize I’m feeling more and more indifferent about the TV version. They will end the show after the next season, as far as I know. To me it now feels as if they are cramming as much of the storylines which happens in the book over so many years into these remaining episodes. It’s all feels a bit rushed and there are too big time-jumps in the 20th century for my taste. For my “comfort watching” (as while I’m doing other things like eating) I’ve gone back to “Switched at Birth” this evening. I’m not sure about which season I’m at, but I think I haven’t watched that far the first time around. It all feels a bit new to me, but the show aired ages ago so I might also just have forgotten much of it over the years.

I haven’t abandoned another book yet. Bought a few more. I’m a beyond help. This afternoon I finally finished “The Christie Affair”, which I didn’t really like all that much. The narrating voice or rather point-of-view bothered me so much and the whole plot felt so far-fetched. I’m now back in the happy place of contemporary romance with “Romantic Comedy” by Curtis Sittenfeld. I’ve only read the first few pages yet, but I like it so far. And will probably just head to bed soon with it.