Lyrics: “Be A Freak” – Felix Hagan & The Family (2018)
I had finished writing this post two days ago and had just been looking for a good picture to go with it, when the scatterbrain part of my personality took over and I never got around posting. I then also for a bit got dragged down into the vortex of despair about the current state of the world. USA turning into a fascist state. UK denying basic rights to trans women. Gaza, Sudan, climate crisis. Shouldn’t I use my space and time and energy talking about that? Taking a stand, sharing ressources and all that? I try to do that on Instagram at least, for whatever good that might do. And I try to stay informed via indepented, trustworthy sources.
This all while I had already been thinking about what to do with / post on this online space of mine. I’m not going to bore you with the back and forth of my pondering. I’m still here, trying to use it every once in a while, even if I am not ready yet to use it for fighting the injustices of the world. I might never use this space for that. After I took many of my previous posts down I’m back to the question of how to share some things without sharing too much. Why share at all? I guess I feel inclined to, because some of the people who read this might connect with what I’m sharing and feel a bit better and less alone in this messy existence we all live in. I might also have felt a bit inspired by the one and only Robbie Williams and his musings about his mental health issues on his Instagram and how much I often can relate how much it helps me to not feel alone in all of this. Anyway.
Work and life have been sort of busy these past few weeks and even though I’m still overthinking things quite a bit, I also try to practice more self-compassion. I’m doing okay with that, I think. All in all I’ve been “in my head” quite a lot, but not in a bad / negative / worrysome way and more in an introspective / reflective “Mmh, that might be why I (re)act like this” kind of way. Trying to figure stuff out about myself. Not always succeeding yet, but at least I feel like I’m getting there and the nasty gremlin voice in my head definitely are much quieter these days. I might / should do a post about the ressources that help me get to that state of mind. Podcasts, books and the social media presence of the people behind these.
I had a job appraisal / annual talk with my supervisor recently and I admit I was dreading it a bit. What can I say, I still AM a “worrier”. But it went fine, more than fine actually. The gremlin voice only for a short moment latched on the one tiny thing I was told I could improve in. But the otherwise glowing appraisal of my work managed to shut up the gremlin quickly. Good days.
The other major thing on my mind is, that I have a big birthday coming up next week. Again I’m glad to report that it’s not weighing on me too much. I don’t experience much of a midlife crisis, regrets and worries and such. I’m ok with turning 50. There I said it. I talked about it quite a bit recently with other people who know the date is coming up. The thing is: I’m grateful for finally having reached some sort of serenity. Or to put it more bluntly: Glad that I’ve learned to give less of a fuck! I’ve worried and been anxious and felt miserable for too much of my life so far. I don’t want to do that anymore and I’m glad I’ve reached a state of mind and learned some tools to do less of it. I still worry and I still am anxious sometimes, but so much less than I used to. I now could fret about how long it took me to figure it out (to some extent) and mourn how much quality time I lost because of that delay. But what would be the point of that? Onwards and upwards.
I don’t have a big party planned for my birthday, because I’m not a big party person. I do have low key plans with various friends for a few of days. For such a long time the nasty gremlin in my head told me, that I’m not worth the fuss and that my existence doesn’t deserve to be celebrated, so doing low key stuff with family and friends feels like a good compromise. I’m only half kidding. A tiny part of me is still a bit baffled that friends are willing to take time off from work and travel quite a bit to come and spend some time with me. A bigger part of me though is glad that I’ve learned to just accept the fact, that they care about me and that they are willing to do that.
I’ve been compiling a “decades of my life” playlist to have on in the car or in the background of the birthday activities next week. Music has always been a big thing for me since my early teens. I have vivid memories – or at least I think I do – of the first few times I recorded songs from the radio on tape while doing homework in the afternoon. “It’s a Sin” is a song I remember from that time. I remember the first singles I bought with my pocket money in the record / music section of the local small town department store. The record section was shut down decades ago and so has the department store by now. I remember the first gig I went to. It took place at the E-Werk in Cologne in 1991. I was going to gigs on my own even back then. I had only turned 16, but Bro2 was old enough to drive me and pick me up later. He spent the time in between watching a lower league football game. I remember the songs we liked to dance to in the clubs, we sneaked in still under age. I remember all sorts of random songs I liked listening to over the years / decades. Songs written before I was born or when I was just a toddler. Songs from the charts when I was growing up. The first bands I was fangirling over. The bands I liked well enough to see live on tour. Bands who have been disbanded by now. Songs featured on “Grey’s Anatomy”. Songs of my life, basically.
Set to shuffle the 30 hours (over 450 songs) of music might give some people a whiplash, because my taste over the years has changed as it should have done. Some songs I picked because of the memory associated with them. Some songs – lots of Frank Turner of course – because I can relate so well to them and because they mean the world to me. Some songs just because I liked them at some point and wanted to honour that. But yeah, whiplash going from this
to this
Maybe. What can I say? I’ve got an eclectic taste.
And I don’t give a fuck what anyone thinks about that.
