30.08.2020 | “I can’t stand being the person that I’ve been…”

That line says it all. Or it says something at least. To be  fair my mood is not as bad as it was a few days ago.  I still feel overwhelmed with some things. Frustrated with others. Yadayadayda… same old story. I’m tired. 5 more days till I’m on vacation. I can’t wait.

One of the better things  I did was setting up a calendar in my (bullet)journal for the rest of the year and also jotting down the important – good – things / events from this whole weird year so far. It wasn’t all bad after all. Perspective and all that. 

At least I got enough sleep this weekend. Which always helps. Another good thing I realized earlier this week was, that even though I still react pretty emotional to all kinds of random stuff – in both good and bad ways – I also feel like I’ve got a better check on my emotions. I feel myself reacting, but before I let the whole flood run its course, I often enough take a breath, check if the thing I’m reaction to is actually worth all this fuss or if it’s just all in my head. Which often enough it is, because I more often than not imagine the worst things for no good reason whatsoever. It’s good to remind myself that I not always realized that all that worry was just in my head – literally, and that I’ve come quite a long way in the last few years. Step by step, baby.

I will now spend the rest of the evening writing lists of things I need to do before my vacation and things to pack and all that. That’s the fun bit of planning anyway.

Lyrics: Josephine, Frank Turner, 2015

25.08.2020 | “Lately I’ve been feeling kind of fragile… “

One of those days. Not too busy or too frustrating. Sort of productive, though not as much as I could have done. By now I’m wondering if I’m really as overall exhausted as I feel or if I just like to wallow in it a bit. This evening I tend to say the former. At work this morning I once again felt too emotional, as in felt like crying in frustration over tiny things. And being too snappy with people. Definitely a sign I’m too high strung. Since this afternoon I’ve also felt a weird twinge on my wrist. No idea. Dinner. TV. Bed.

10 more days till the sea.

Lyrics: Faithful Son, Frank Turner, 2011

24.08.2020 | “A reminder you could always be a little bit better than this…”

On my way to work this morning I was listening to a Frank Turner live recording of one of the many bootlegs I acquired over the years. These days I’m often not in the mood for Frank music in the car because honestly I’m too emotional invested in it. I get distracted by what those songs mean to me or memories of gigs and such. This morning I felt in the right mood though and put it on and that was a good choice. Maybe. At some point “Get Better” came on and even though I have listened to that song a million times since it blew my mind when I heard it live for the first time in 2014, it once again hit me so hard. In a different way maybe. I don’t know. I’ve been  feeling off-kilter and unbalanced and unfocused and all those things for a while now. Work feels so insanely busy, maybe because I’m so unfocused. Local politics frustrate and overwhelm me. I’m feeling a bit lost. And then Frank emphatically told me – in song – that I “could always be a little bit better than this” and to “draw a line underneath all of this unhappiness” and I thought…. Yeah, maybe, this too shall pass. As it always did on previous occasions. It’s just a weird funk. Going on for a while now, but still… It will get better. At some point. Thanks for the reminder, Frank.

I think my short fuse and my impatience with myself and all my negativity might stem from lack of a proper vacation. And  I don’t just mean time off work. Well, I mean that as well, but really time OFF. Away. See and do other stuff. Be somewhere else. For a while and not just a 3-day weekend.  Relax and unwind and recharge. The recharge bit is so important and I feel like I’m starting to run on empty. And it’s not wonder! This year so far I had one week off (stayed home) in June and a few days around Easter during the lockdown. I spent a weekend away by the sea in February. I did a weekend in Amsterdam (mainly because of a gig). A few days in London in January, which were a bit busy as well as trips to London always are. My vacations before that? Gigging in December 2019 (No Man’s Land). The occasional weekend away. My last proper vacation happened in May 2019. 17 months ago. No wonder I’m running on empty. And oh, yeah… global pandemic weighing heavily on my mind as well. No wonder, really.  Rather a surprise I haven’t snapped yet.

Frank (yes again, there always has been a lot about him on here) announced a ‘proper’ gig today. He’ll be playing a physically distanced – people on platforms in a large outdoor space – in Newcastle in two weeks time. And I’m so thrilled for him and his wife Jess, who’ll be there as support act. And for the 2.500 or so people who hopefully will be there to enjoy it. But to be honest, when I read the news this morning my 2nd reaction after “Hey cool, happy for Frank” was a feeling of profound sadness. Because I won’t and can’t be there. And I have no idea when I will be able to be at any kind of Frank Turner live gig again. In my mind I’ve resigned myself to the fact that it won’t happen for another year or so. I know it will happen again, because Frank is a tour-maniac and I’m a travelling fangirl. Sooner or later it will happen again. But on days like today the later seems so awfully far away and that hurts. And I know these are luxury problems in the grand scheme of things, but still… I don’t know if it was good that I was at the office when I read the news, because I obviously couldn’t start crying, even though part of me felt like it. On the other hand… maybe crying would have helped to deal with it. Let it all out and all. I’ve written this post instead now. 

11 days from now I’ll be by the sea. Breathe in. Breathe out. Repeat. And now I’m off to bed and closing this day’s chapter. Tomorrow will be better, right? 

Lyrics: Get Better, Frank Turner, 2015

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