Back To Shore

Lyrics: “Little Changes” ~ Frank Turner, 2018

Another rather sleepless night *sigh*. This is starting to turn into stupid cycle. I wake up early and can’t fall back asleep. I stay a bit sluggish all day and am knackered early in the evening. I go to be early-ish. I sleep well for a few hours and then wake up early and don’t manage to fall back to sleep.

Today in the early waking hours I even reset the alarm for 45 minutes later to allow for more rest. Didn’t help.

My choice of “lull myself to sleep” audiobook might have been part of the problem this time? I’m listening to Harry Potter (for the first time as audiobook, I might add) and Stephen Fry usually manage to lull me back to sleep ASAP. But when I lay awake around 3 this morning and turned it back on I had reached “The Dark Mark” in book 4. And that’s not the most comforting plot line. I don’t know. By that point I was too annoyed to try for a different more calming story.

So against all better judgement and best intention it didn’t take me too long to reach for my phone to check social media and news and stuff. Waning myself of this constant habit is hard, man. Anyway, I got up, put on a load of laundry. Turned on the dishwasher (which I had forgotten to do in the evening). Made a pot of coffee. Took out the trash. Watched some Olympics. Sorted away the clean linen and towels from the previous load of laundry. Took a photo of the sunrise.

Finally meditated! Started typing this post.

There is not much else going on in my life at the moment. It’s quite boring. Still a lot of phone calls and errands and shopping for the home care situation which will change our lives starting next week. Still a lot of worrying on my part about all of this and other stuff. And I wonder why I don’t sleep well. I feel a bit overwhelmed quite a lot these days from this situation and also work and also… just feeling not up-to-par with my life. The COVID pandemic also still contributes to that feeling, I’m afraid. I’m also afraid that this will continue to contribute for a long while still.

Lyrics: “The Way I Tend To Be” ~ Frank Turner, 2013

First day back at work (from home) today. It went alright for the most part, I took it easy, sorted my mail, did some minor things, got an idea where some of the bigger projects were at after my vacation. That last phone call with my favourite coworker in the PR department ended with some bad / difficult news. I don’t have all the info yet, but I’m already expecting the worst and start thinking it’s my fault and I should have kept a closer eye on it all and… I hate when my anxious brain goes haywire like that.

I didn’t sleep well last night and it seems like one of my brothers and I don’t see eye to eye on some of the care related issues and as we’re a bit dysfunctional and don’t communicate well with each other, we end up snippy. Or I end up snippy on the outside and confused on the inside and worried and… I don’t know.

Did I mention that I didn’t sleep well last night? This might be the cause for my crappy mood this evening. Sorry for the downer post. Not much more to tell at the moment. Same old, same old.

Lyrics: “Get Better” ~ Frank Turner, 2015

Where did the last week go? What did I do?

It’s been a weird week in some ways. I’m sleeping enough and still each evening I feel knackered early on. I feel like I didn’t make as much use of my time off as I should and that’s bugging me. Though it shouldn’t really, because my life has been so busy and there have been so much worry and anxiety in the past few months, that I do deserve a break. My mind just sometimes thinks otherwise and that sucks.

I want to get back into the habit of writing more here, though I don’t really have a clear idea or game plan what to use this space for. I’m still not going out or meet other people much. I’m afraid I might have forgotten how to do so.

I’m reading Atomic Habits at the moment and I think there are a lot of great ideas I can / could incorporate into my life. Let’s see how it goes. I’m only at the end of the first of the four “laws” the whole concept is based on.

One of the habits I’m working on is cutting down my time on Twitter. It’s going okayish. I’m not really applying any Atomic Habit tips to it yet, just a regular… just don’t check it as often.

Some good or at least better news on the family’s patient: the time in the rehabilitation centre did get extended, so that’s good. Still a lot to organise around here at home until they return. But I’m cautiously optimistic. And that makes the long drive for visits (1.5 hours one way) more bearable.

Two more days and I’m back at work. I don’t wanna 🙁