12.06.2022 | “I’m Sick And Tired of Being Sick and Tired”

The title says it all basically. I’m so fed up by this weird mood / funk / depressive episode (I still have a bit of a hard time to actually use that term) I’m currently living in. And I wish I could just snap out of it and change the way I feel and the way things make me feel. Or not feel. The not feeling is even worse than the feeling. Though if it’s dread and worry, the not feeling is fine. I’m a bit of a mess. Still. For a while longer I think. At least I know that this is just a phase – hopefully. That there are things I can (try to) do about it. Unfortunately it also means that the doing part often feels like such a drag.

Step by step, I guess. Yesterday I spent out with friends and their children and I had a lovely time, distracted by good talks and playing with the little ones or rather accompanying or watching the little ones. I didn’t play all that much, but that’s fine. I helped out where I was needed which was very much appreciated and of course made me feel quite good.

Today I sat outside with some of my neighbours with cake and coffee for quite a bit and that was nice as well. We talked about vacations and families and stuff and it was lovely. Once we ventured into more of a social / political territory, it became obvious that we don’t agree on everything and that always make me feel awkward for a variety of reasons. I don’t want to rock the boat with arguing against their opinion. I often don’t feel confident enough to argue my point, which I know is a bit lame. We managed to steer away from that after a while and had a lovely time.

The rest of the evening was spent with a bit of work for … work. Ugh! Something I didn’t manage to finish during office hours, but I want to present a first rough draft of a paper to my supervisor, so we can discuss it before I flesh it out. But that’s finished now as well, which means I can now make some dinner, read a bit, go to bed. Get enough rest for the new week.

Three more weeks till I’m off for my annual summer leave and I can’t wait! In about 4 weeks I’ll be back here… 😉

Beach Ameland
Beach on Ameland, Netherlands September 2020

06.06.2022 | Lazy Days…

Today was a public holiday over here in Germany and I think I was in need of that. Being lazy, lounging, getting enough rest. At least I got a good night of sleep and still feel well rested and not depleted of energy like I use to on regular days around 7 pm.

I managed to check of 3 of the 4 things on my to-do-list. I also did a load of laundry. Diligently did my “therapy homework”. Finished a book. Couldn’t make up my mind yet which new novel to start next, so I decided to re-read one from a few years ago: “The Garden of Small Beginnings” I only read it as ebook then, but recently bought the paperback for exactly that reason. Started reading “How To Keep House While Drowning” and will definitely continue that for a bit today. Tried to get into “Good Girls” on Netflix, but not sure I’m in the mood for that right now. It’s a bit too dark for my taste and I’m just two episodes in.

Yesterday after the rain had passed through I drove to the station and took the train to a bigger town to just take a few photos. Architecture, urban photography, that kind of thing. Just to get out and do something. Get some exercise (aka walk) in. I forgot to bring my back up battery which sucked a bit, as mine run out of power earlier than I had expected. You live and learn, right?

Penguin, City mascot of Wuppertal, June 2022
Penguin, City mascot of Wuppertal, June 2022
Multitude of Lines, Wuppertal, June 2022
Multitude of Lines, Wuppertal, June 2022
Swimming Centre, Built in 1957, Wuppertal, June 2022
Swimming Centre, Built in 1957, Wuppertal, June 2022
Architectural Eras - 1957 / 1900, Wuppertal, June 2022
Architectural Eras – 1957 / 1900, Wuppertal, June 2022
Old Summer House
Old Summer House , Wuppertal, June 2022

05.06.2022 | “I’ve Been Lost More Than Found…”

Lyrics: Little Changes – Frank Turner, 2018

I was about to write how there isn’t much to tell. Which isn’t quite true, I guess. It’s just that I can’t quite find the write words to entangle the jumble of thoughts and emotions. Not all bad thoughts and emotions, just… messy. I still have a bit of a hard time to get motivated to do things. Anything. My therapist is aware of that and from next week on I’ll have to fill out a “let’s monitor this depressive episode” questionnaire. It still feels a bit weird to talk about “my therapist”. It also still feels weird to actually lable my state of mind with “depressive”. On the one hand, I think: “I’ve felt like this before. This can’t be an depressive episode.” Wrong, obviously. It might as well have been before and I just didn’t realize it. On the other hand I keep thinking “You’re not ill, you’re just lazy, pull yourself together, for God’s sake.” Which is not right either.

I will try to focus on the good things of this week so far and not dwell on the few / many (?) moments in which I worried and dawdle too much and in which I flagellated myself for doing that. The same old cycle.

I managed to not get dragged down a cycle of self-loathing on earlier this week when during a committee meeting I had to attend for work my mobil phone accidentally made way too much noise. It went on for much longer than it should have, because I couldn’t turn it off in panic. And for a about an hour I was worrying that everyone (of the important people) in the room will remember me for that moment forever. Which they won’t, I know, because it was just a small blip on their radar of a busy weekday. Like I said, I managed to stop that spiral early on. It all got overshadowed anyway by quite a nuisance caused by the right-wing politician on that committee. That’s the thing that will be remembered from that meeting for a while.

On that day I brought my camera with me to do some urban / street photography of this typical former industrial / worker city. I also stopped at a park on the way home, just because…

"Trinkhalle" in the Ruhrarea
“Trinkhalle” in the Ruhr Area
Former Coal Mine "Unser Fritz 2/3"
Former Coal Mine “Unser Fritz 2/3”
Former Coal Mine "Unser Fritz 2/3"
Former Coal Mine “Unser Fritz 2/3”

Another good thing to remember: Last night I mostly kept my calm and didn’t take it too personally, when the guys (brothers and friends) I went with to a stadium concert kept moaning on and on about how long it took to get off the parking lot I picked as designated driver. It took us an hour and I was annoyed myself but not surprised, because thousands of people want to get off every other parking lot. But I would have loved to skip the 60 minutes play-by-play about what was all going wrong and why there was no movement. In their defence, the guys were all quite inebriated by that point and they weren’t unfriendly in their commentary. But they just didn’t shut the fuck up *g*! Deep breathing helped to shut them out of my mind for the most part.

I only took my compact camera to the gig and we were sitting way up high, so most of my shots didn’t work out as well. But that’s okay. It was a good set and it was fun to scream along to many of the classics.

Die Ärzte Live, Cologne June 2022
Die Ärzte Live, Cologne June 2022

I wasn’t quite sure how I’d feel in such a big crowd and because it was outdoors I wasn’t sure if I should actually were my mask. But I put it on for most of the gig even at my seat and whenever I walked around. Even on my seat, because yes, it was outdoors, but sort of stationary, not a lot of wind, people sitting side by side. I smelled the smoke from the illicitly smoked cigarettes around us for quite a while. I don’t know if COVID aerosols can be considered similar to cigarette smoke, but there was no reason to risk it, right? I’m fine with wearing a mask in those kind of settings for a while longer.

I plan to head out in an neighbouring town later today for another photo shoot as well. We’ve got the day off tomorrow and I feel like being creatively active (being out, but also processing the photos a bit later) keeps my mind busy in a good way. So I’ll try to do more of that.