21.08.2022 | Impressions of this Week

At least I seem to get into a weekly rhythm with these posts…

I spent a lovely afternoon yesterday at a exhibition / multimedia show about Charles Monet. I always liked his paintings, but have to admit I didn’t really now much or rather not anything about his art or the whole Impressionist movement. So it was educational as well as entertaining. For instance that the name of the movement came from this painting, which he titled “Impression, Sunrise”.

Monet Painting, Impression Sunrise
Impression, Sunrise – the Monet painting which gave a name to the movement
Monet Painting Jetty at Le Havre in multimedia show
Monet Painting Jetty at Le Havre in multimedia show
Monet's Japanese Bridge / Multimedia show
Monet’s Japanese Bridge / Multimedia show

Work was okay this week. I seem to be getting the hang of some things and once again started to realize that even though I liked our former supervisor a lot and we got along fine, we might not have been the best fit workwise. As he was one who liked to take charge in sort of a helping / supportive way where I lacked self-confidence about my work and projects and everything that I often was glad that he took charge and thus responsibility. Responsibility that I should have accepted for my projects and tasks and all. But it always was so easy to just let him. Not healthy definitely in the long run. Anyway, I need to be more in charge now and I’m doing okay so far I think. Often still anxious about decisions and stuff…. but a tiny bit more confident.

In therapy this week we delved a bit more into my “striving for perfectionism” and how that makes a lot of my life so much harder than it used to be. Work included. It sounds silly but I really have to (re?-)learn that it’s ok to make mistakes. Ok to not be 100% perfect all the time. Ok to start with little steps. I’m getting there. Hopefully. I feel like I’m on a good path at least.

I’ve caught up with season 6 of “This Is Us” at least as much as it’s available for free on German Amazon Prime. For some reason I thought the whole season would already be there, so I was bummed to find out it’s just up to 12 of 18 yet. A new episode goes up every Wednesday, but I also might be able to buy the remaining episodes for 3€ each, which is quite a bit of money, so I guess I’ll hold out. At least for this week and then I’ll see how urgently I want to see the rest.

I’ve also read a lot this week, as always; reviews on my Goodreads page (easiest to access through the widget on this side). All stories have been quite nice, but nothing has really blown me away recently. I miss that. But I’m also often not in the right headspace for plots or narrations which feel too complicated. I don’t know?

This weekend I also had a longer chat with a good friend, my age, and we properly commiserated over a lot of things. The state of the world in general. Climate Change, the war, the pandemic. Loosing or patience with stupid, stupid people. Misanthropy was running high! But it’s ok to vent about that sometimes, right? I still haven’t quite figured out if over the last two years I have become more zen or more indifferent to a lot of things. And people. The ongoing quest, maybe….

13.08.2022 | “Every Once in a Few Months When All the Punches Land…”

Lyrics: “Punches” – Frank Turner, 2022

It’s been a while since I wrote a post and I can’t even say why exactly. Probably because I feel like I don’t have anything “newsworthy” to write about. My life is pretty ordinary at the moment. Work. Books. Watching TV series on a streaming service. A bit of politics, but I can’t really be bothered as much as I used to. Therapy…

Therapy | That’s going good, I think. The last few sessions anyway made me think quite a bit and also made me start getting into a bit more routine to not think so much. “Think” as in going down a spiral of worry. Recently my therapist helped me figured out that wanting to do too much or expecting something to work right away might be part of my problem. Or to put in differently: I often forget that some things take time. Trial and error. Training. I sometimes – too often ? – think back on what I have already managed to do in my life, but only see the positive end result and not how long it took me to get there. Right now I often don’t bother starting something, because it seems impossible to me that I’ll manage to get from starting point A to the end point for instance… Z. But that’s because my brain obviously thinks that there are no letters in between. And don’t believe that it’s ok to just get to B or C for a while, because that’s still the right direction. But I often feel bad when I don’t get to at least P or Q right away and then I give up and … Argh! Does that make sense to anyone? Anyway, we’re working on small steps and small expectations at the moment.

Work | I’ve been a bit more relaxed at and about work recently, which feels amazing. I sometimes still worry that I should be more worried, but at the moment I try to ignore that more often than not and just go with the flow. On Thursday some members of my team and I participated at a “goals and other stuff” workshop of our department. We were about 15 people all in all and I think we had a good time and productive workshop. I’m usually anxious about these kind of group projects: lack of self-esteem, too much worry to mess up and what others might think and all that. But I’m proud and happy to report that it all went quite well. I contributed, I made small talk or even proper work-related inter-departmental talk. I kind of involuntarily presented the results of our sub-group at some point, because I was standing nearest to the flipchart. And I did fine! Didn’t feel to nervous in that moment either. Is it a bit pathetic, that I think a day like this is worth remembering here? I don’t care. I got out of that building and thought: “You did good today!” I don’t often have that feeling at the moment, so yeah: writing it down here as a reminder!

Grief | I know this prompt feels heavy, but it’s not all that. I just can’t think of any other for the stuff I want to sum up under this one. Three of us four children decided on which sort of grave plaque we want to get for our mum’s grave. I know we’re late with that. August last year was the time my mum was finally home again after her stroke in May. I don’t know if we really would have managed to care for her at home indefinitely even with care assistance coming in twice a day. But we were determined to give it a try at least. Re: grief, I can at least by now drive around various streets / places, which remind me of the whole ordeal last year with the various hospitals / care home stays all over the area, and not get pissed off or sad about last year. That’s progress. I still miss my mum as someone to just talk to about my day or other random ordinary things. I guess that won’t ever go away.

Rose
a rose somewhere, because my mum loved those…

31st July 2022 | How Is It (As Good As) August Already?

Where has the year gone? Seriously. How can it be August tomorrow already? I really have a hard time to not drown in feeling like a failure for having let a lot of the year pass by without achieving…. whatever my messed up mind think I should have achieved by now. Just typing this I think I might need to sit down and actually make a list of all the things I actually DID (good) this year instead of focusing on the opposite. Which is sort of a nice segue to my first prompt.

Therapy | Ten sessions in and time for a first feedback / take stock session. I’m quite comfortable with my therapist, sometimes wish we’d get a more concrete result / agreement by the end of the hour. We’ve talked about that as well. I think I’m making progress, but I’m a bit impatient. One of the things that’s bothering me a lot about myself at the moment is the still ongoing apathy and indecision about a lot of things. I come up with an idea and then start thinking about it too much and then don’t follow through with it. In all kind of aspects of my life. I’m supposed to make a list now about where this applies and think about the reason why I don’t follow through. But also think about all the things I already DID this year (and where I followed through). Also… make plans for nice things first and ignore the “I should / need to do…” plans for a while, if possible.

Yesterday I felt the impulse to grab my camera and leave the house and go somewhere and take some photos. I spend way too much time thinking about where and a bit lacklusterly got in my car, thinking about shooting some nature spots I had considered some time ago. Drove around, didn’t see the appeal anymore. Thought about other photo spots, went home, changed, programmed my satnav and drove to the harbour in Düsseldorf, which is about 45 minutes away. I thought I’d stay for some sunset shots though I knew I might be too early for that. Too early for night photography as well or rather I went back home before it got proper dark. Last time I had been there last fall, I forgot to pack my tripod. Anyway, no proper sunset or night photos, but I’m still glad I went. Got out of the house. I had some food there as well and walked around a bit. Got a bit overwhelmed by the – not even crowds, but just people out there in the bars / restaurants / outside on the steps. And definitely the “Party cruiser” on the river Rhine playing German Schlager at the top volume. But as I’ve said: I’m still glad I went, even if not for a long as I had originally planned.

Gehry Buildings, Düsseldorf July 2022
Gehry Buildings, Düsseldorf July 2022
Dusk at Düsseldorf Harbour, July 2022
Düsseldorf Harbour, July 2022

Work | Still busy, still feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it also seems like I’ve got a bit of a handle on some things. I often don’t feel comfortable demanding things from others, even though I’m in the position where I have to. That’S also something to talk about in therapy. Anyway, I did that more this week, so that felt… weird, but good. I guess? I’m working in a part of the public sector, where the energy crisis, we in Germany are facing this autumn / winter, will require action of some kind. We had to brief our deputy boss this week for a meeting about that, because they don’t know that much about the whole energy supply aspect than the regular boss (on vacation) does. It all makes the whole crisis even more real than I already think / know it is. Scary stuff to get more insight into emergency plans and protocol.

I also mentioned seeing a therapist to another one of my close coworkers. I don’t know how we got there, but I’ve known them for a long time and like them, so it wasn’t a big deal. It turned out, they have been seeing a therapist some time ago as well for some issues and they think about going back or rather looking for a new one, as their old therapist retired. I gave them the information about the service I’m using, so… Isn’t it weird how having mental health issues and getting help for them is much more common than we think? We need to talk about it more.

Stuff | I had other vague ideas to write about when I first thought about writing this post on Friday. All ideas have left me now though. Watching the football finale at the moment, while I type this. I thought I wouldn’t care that much. And I don’t really, but still…. By the time I’ve added all the photos to the post the Lionesses have brought it home. Congratulations.