19.09.2022 | “Sing For Your Sorrow, Your Wisdom, Your Rage, Sing Out…”

Lyrics: “Pass It Along” – Frank Turner, 2011

It’s always difficult to not compare similar events with each other, right? This was my 3rd Lost Evenings Festival and yes it was very different from the first two for me. But it was just as much the same. It’s Frank Turner’s Lost Evenings, for crying out loud.

Lost Evenings Billboard at the Venue
Lost Evenings Billboard at the Venue

Compared to my previous two LE’s in 2017 and 2018 in London, I did less “socialising with new people” and I’m not quite sure yet how I (should) feel about that. I spent time or at least chatted with / said Hello to quite a few people I’ve gotten to know over the years from Germany, Europe and North America. And that’s always lovely. Each night I had people I know from other gigs and/or social media around me. I easily chatted with the people I didn’t know around me in the queue or at the barrier. Which I wouldn’t have and in fact did not do during my first few years at Frank Turner shows. My main objective for going to LE wasn’t to make tons of new friends. So why do I feel like I failed in that regard? Lots of reasons, probably, and most of them all in my head, which is a never-ending story.

One of my main other reasons to not socialise as much was still the pandemic, I guess. I tried to limit my time inside closed rooms as much as I could. (And yes, I could not NOT be in the venue right after the doors opened). I watched a few selected panels, the one with Frank mostly, because… he IS the reason I’m doing “this” (being a fangirl) after all. But I didn’t join any other group activity like pubs or sightseeing outings and such.

Stats & Spirals| Some song stats, because I’m a nerd. In my count the Frank played 95 songs in total. 18 of those he and the Sleeping Souls played twice, 77 only once. Which is quite impressive, especially considering that the lyrics of many songs have so, so, so many words. He played two of the five rarer ones I had hoped for, which is good. There are just too many songs to choose from. Songs I heard him play live for the first time this weekend? The rarer ones of EKMB, for sure, like “Nights Become Days”. The Solo/Duo Night was only the second time I heard “Worse Things Happen At Sea”. And of course, I was thrilled to hear “Pass It Along” once again.

Most surprising to me rarer ones, he chose to play: “Oh Brother” for some reason and “Bar Staff”. I’m so glad I had the chance to sing along to some of my old favourites and especially twice to some of my new ones. All those FTHC songs, which speak to me in my current not always best state of mental health. I had a bit of a downward spiral yesterday for some reason. In the first draft of my post, I called it a silly reason, but then I realized that I don’t want and shouldn’t be too down on myself. There was a reason for that spiral, and I don’t have to furthermore devaluate that reason. Right? I’m happy enough, that I realize that my mind is playing tricks in that moment and that I’m in the process of learning how to deal with it. And also, that I’ve got friends I can text and vent to when I’m in this state. You know who you are.

I’m afraid another thing I had planned to write about has just now – while editing the first draft of this post – put me in another weird spiral of negative thinking. Which means that I really should cut this post short after all and focus on getting out of my head. (Sorry for this slightly weird interjection at this point of the post: You’re watching my messed-up mind at work!)    

Klutz | Lost Evenings started on a not so happy note for me. And I will now put the theory to you that Berlin does not want you to take the bus or ride a bike. I don’t know. There were cycle paths on the pedestrian section of the street. No problem as such. But in these cases, when you get out the bus at your stop you have to cross the cycle bit to get to the part of the bit you’re supposed to walk on. Who plans that? Someone who wants to have bus passengers and cyclist crash into each other on a regular basis? And the bike and walk sections aren’t designated as such clearly.

That was a long roundabout way of leading into the story how I stumbled and fell flat on my face the moment I got to the venue on Thursday. Because I got off the bus and after a few steps realized I’m on the cycle bit and should move, because there were cyclists coming up. I was hectic and probably didn’t lift my foot as much as needed, got stuck on something and bam! Flat on my face. Well on my knees and then right side and hand. Ouch! It all hurt quite a bit the first evening, especially my right finger and I was worried it might get worse. It didn’t and the knees were also mostly okayish from day 2 on. On day 3 I started to realize that I must have bruised my rips a bit as well, because now they started bothering me at certain movements. And they still do. Not massively, but enough to get an uncomfortable twinge every now and then.

Do I need to add that on the last night up in the balcony with very high steps (so people can stand on them to watch over the people in front) I manged to stumble again. Upwards this time, because my legs and feet obviously were so tired. But that was more embarrassing than painful.

Women Power | All the panels with Frank (and the Sleeping Souls) were wonderful, entertaining, insightful. But my favourite might have been the “Women in Music” one, which shone a light on the many disadvantages women (in punk bands, but in the industry in general) are still facing. Some of the stories the women from Berries and also Tre and Silke from the production side of it told, were horrible. Sexist and rude and all. Not surprising though, because we’ve all had our share of these experiences as well, right? I’m glad some things seem to be changing, but it’s a slow and tedious process and as a music fan I once again felt empowered to do my bit. Listen to more music from women. Go to more gigs from female bands. Talk about it and share it…

This weekend I also had the chance to meet two female artists, I really like, which was lovely. I had met Jess Guise after the show on Monday already, but it was nice to chat to her again on Saturday with a few more of her Patreons. A very cool surprise was to see Grace Petrie arrive at the venue and other fans daring to ask her for a photo and such, so I did as well. It was just a quick chat, but I was of course over the moon to have her say “I’m thrilled your wearing that shirt” to me.

Grace Petrie and me
Grace Petrie and me

Souvenirs | I didn’t buy and LE merch this time and I’ve got all the FTHC merch I like. The new Pet Needs shirt was sold out in my size, so I allowed myself to spend a probably insane amount of money on a set of unique (only a few of this kind exist) Christmas Ornaments. Which I probably hang / put anywhere but a Christmas tree, because I don’t usually do one. These were items to raise funds for the Ally Coalition, one of the few charities Frank and his team are working with. This one helps LGBTQ+ youth in the US and LGBTQ+ is a cause dear to my heart, so I thought: You saved on merch, it’s a good cause. go for it! 

LE V Ampelmännchen Souvnirs, signed by Frank
LE V Ampelmännchen Souvenirs

And now I’m off meditating, journaling or anything to get that new “Oh, you’re so stupid and not worthy” thought out of my head. Trying to bring back the uplifting, life-affirming power I have felt at all my five Frank gigs this week. Wish me luck…

11.09.2022 | Slightly Spiralling Sunday

I well remember the time when this date had such a huge significance for all of us. And I know it still should have and I know it will / does for the people in the US and everyone affected by the terror from that day. But… the world has been on fire in so many other regards in the last few years: Climate crisis, COVID pandemic, war in the Ukraine. It’s a lot and if you’re inclined to worry over many, many things, living through these days isn’t easy.

9:30 | I had a bit of a weird night. Woke up quite often, but the audiobook trick helped to get me back to sleep quickly most of the time. Around 2 I heard some strange beeping from the living room and thought the batteries were low in the smoke alarm. Weirdly enough it came for another (alarm)clock which I had put away to throw out and the batteries had been down for a long time. I thought. But that thing was beeping anway. Took the batteries out and went back to bed.

After waking up I remembered there had been a new podcast out with Frank Turner, which were interesting 20 minutes to listen to before finally getting out of bed. Bathroom. Coffee. Meditate. Wordle, Heardle, the NY Mini crossword. Catching up on my socials media feed. Booking some extra train tickets for the long-distance train to and from Berlin next week. After I had booked it months ago, they cancelled that train or said it didn’t go till Berlin central station but due to construction ended in Berlin-Spandau, so that’s the trip I booked. As it turned out the train now does go to and from the central station, but my long-distance ticket is only valid till Spandau. I could probably risk going the last 10 minutes without a valid ticket, but I’m a coward, so I booked those extra. It will be easier to get to my hotel from the central station, even if it’s not going to be quicker.

I’ll be at my first (of five within a week!) Frank Turner shows tomorrow and weirdly enough I’m not as hyper / excited for it as I usually am. I guess worries about work and stuff are overshadowing the excitement. I hope I’ll feel it when I get in my car tomorrow afternoon.

I’m excited for Lost Evenings though and all the gig buddies I will hopefully meet again and maybe even make some new friends. I used the “Clash finder” to get an idea of my schedule and sadly there are events “clashing”, but that can’t be helped. I’m a bit wary to be honest of the setup of the venues and the lack of more places to eat / have a coffee around that area. There will be food and drinks available at the venues, but the lovely thing about the Roundhouse in Camden, London, UK, was that there was so much available on its doorstep. I know there will be more places down the road in Berlin, but it will probably still feel very different. We’ll see. And yes, that is obviously the anxious, worrying, “Oh it’s going to be horrible” voice in my head talking. I’ll try to shut her up a bit more till next week.

But now… breakfast. And then: booting up the computer to do some actual work. I know, I know I’m not supposed to work on the weekend, but it’s so busy at the moment and as I’m away half the week next week I’d feel bad for not getting a few more things done.

14:30 | Worked from 10 – 11.30 and got quite a chunk of stuff done. Nice. Spent some time on the Goodreads website (not the app) to get some order in my book lists. Get rid of duplicates. Nothing that really had to be done, but it still feels good to have gotten around to it. I’ve had a bit of a hard time finding the right fiction book for me recently. I started several and never really got hooked and put them away again. My shelf and eBook readers are full of unread stuff. I thought the only thing I could stomach these days is easy going fluffy harmless romance. Last night I spent about 30 minutes browsing the shop on me eBook reader and gave up because nothing appealed to me. The same with my Goodreads lists this afternoon. Then I saw someone I know posting about having started a novel, which seemed interesting enough to me as well, so that’s what I’ve started and a few chapters in I’m still interested enough. Which is an accomplishment these days.

I thought I’d turn on the TV as some background noise and follow the Queen’s final journey to Edinburgh. I saw the cars moving and choked up, not because of the Queen, but because it reminded me too much of my mum’s funeral last year. Which didn’t involve a coffin draped in flags and transported in a car. Just a regular hearse and coffin bearers next to it and us walking behind it. But, yeah, I think I’ll pass on that one yet. Maybe I’ll tune in later, I don’t know. I was surprised myself to be honest how emotional this all (still) makes me.

On a happier note: I’m in the process of choosing my shirts for next week and that’s not as easy as it sounds, if you have several shirts for some of the support acts and then of course the main act. But it’s fun…

Shirt Collection - Lost Evenings V
Shirt Collection – Lost Evenings V

19:00 | I did turn on the TV after all, but mostly as a background noise while I was finishing “Invisible Women” and chatting with my friends in the UK about… stuff.

I’ve been feeling a bit weird all day. Slightly restless, slightly worried, slightly lethargic. I really have to make sure I’m not sliding down a spiral of negativity tonight or tomorrow. But it’s so freaking weird. It might stem from the “not being overly hyped about the Frank gig tomorrow” and “work being overwhelming”. There might be a coincidence? I don’t know. But I feel myself starting to berate myself for not being excited. It’s Frank and the Sleeping Souls again. And Jess (for the first time). Get excited, FFS! And I am, I think. Just not as much as usual. I hate this. I re-tweeted this a few hours ago and I think I need to bring it up again to remind myself: Progress does look different every day.

I’ve started packing my suitcase for Berlin already, at least with some essentials. FFP2 masks and rapid tests and all that kind of stuff. Hoodies, gig-trusted cargo pants. Raingear? Possibly, the forecast is a bit dreadful for Friday. I’ve also did some of the basic chores around my flat (overdue) and in a few minutes will get into my car and a) fill it up with gas for the trip to Cologne tomorrow and b) pick up my pizza which I was finally able to order after the website had been glitchy for 30 or so minutes.

Tomorrow will be a better – definitely more exciting – day. I’m sure of that. And I need to be well rested, so I won’t add anything to this post after the pizza.

10.09.2022 | “We’re Running Out Of Lables For Our Messed Up Minds”

Lyrics: “Lost Again” – Pet Needs, 2022

Not sure the title fits all the context of this post, but it fits my state of mind at the moment. So there you go.

Music | Check out Pet Needs new album “Primetime Entertainment”, it’s awesome. Some of their previous releases (EP, debut album) had crossed the edge of too loud/hard for me. Not on this one though. I’ve either gotten used to their style by now or they’ve toned it down a bit? I’m kidding, they clearly haven’t. But with some songs in this one they’ve also ventured into slower and much rawer territory, which came as a pleasant surprise. For instance, I did not expect the title track to be this kind of song. All in all, some wonderful ideas for stories worth telling, sensitive and important topics to touch on and some great lyrics. “Dear Abi” especially caught me by surprise, because it’s so raw and personal and I’m glad Johnny decided to share it with the world.

Just have a listen at your favourite streaming service or buy the album right away where you buy your music. [The links above lead to the band’s bandcamp, where you can listen AND buy] Here’s also a video for “Fear for the Whole Wide World”, which gives you an idea of their shows and the band in general. Great guys. I’m looking forward to seeing them a few more times this year.

Let’s switch from music promotion to more regular stuff. Although I don’t know what constitutes regular here at the moment. When I set up this new blog about two years ago, I had hoped it would get me motivated into writing more posts; shorter ones, more regularly, whatever. That didn’t really work out as I had planned. I’m still searching for the right content, I guess. How much to share or not to share? How to keep it interesting. If anyone is still following this after all. Until I find the big super perfect solution, I’ll drudge on with my occasional ramblings, I guess.

God Save The King | Yes, it does feel weird to write / say / think or sing that. Like probably many people around the world these past few days I have pondered on what my views of the British Royal Family are. To sum it up: it’s complicated for this white middleclass German. Part of the interest right now is probably the (social) media hype about the whole death of Queen Elizabeth II, the new king Charles III, the whole shebang of protocol and procedure and formalities. All the question: Should “The Crown” as institution even have any relevance today? In my social media feeds also were quite a few critical voices from the BIPOC community about all the terrible things that were done to their ancestors over centuries and even during Elizabeth II’s reign. I’m not well versed enough in British colonial history or the British governmental system, to say for sure how much of it all had been her or her family’s responsibility. But she was head of state and thus symbol for this nation and its politics, whether she liked it or not. I mean they still use the term “At Her/His Majesty’s pleasure…” on so many occasions and it’s not all just meant ceremonial, is it? So, I think those critical voices ought to be heard and I hate to see them been shut down with “But now is not the time” replies.

I miss my late mum quite a lot during these days and not because the Queen’s passing reminds me of my mum’s death last year. But following the British royal family (and other Europeans Royals as well) via yellow press or TV coverage of weddings, anniversaries, funerals was a thing we did together. My mum had a bit of gossipy but good natured interested in the Royals. I guess, because back in the late 1940s / early 1950s, the Royals were some of the few glamours celebrities available to a German audience; some of the few celebrities a young woman could have an interest in, if she was so inclined. I don’t know, we never talked about why she was interested. She just was, and I joined her in it from small age. It was a thing we did. One of the few things we actually did together, come to think of it and THAT now opens a whole other can of worms. I should make note of that and mention it to my therapist. Anyway, it feels so very weird to not talk through all that’s happening in the UK right now with her and to not watch all the TV coverage with her. It’s just not the same to do it alone in my living room.

To lighten things up… here’s a sort of random photo from Scotland. I’ve never been to Balmoral, but I think it lays somewhere in the distance of this view from Schiehallion.

On top of Schiehallion, May 2019

Therapy | Is still going well. I still haven’t established better routines to the extent that I had hoped, but I’m getting there, I think. We’re over half-way in and I need to make up my mind if I want to apply for more hours at my health insurance. It’s still a fascinating process to me. On the one hand I think “You should have gotten into that much earlier; it would have saved you so much emotional pain”. But I also know that I probably just hadn’t been ready at any earlier point in my life to articulate and openly talk about some of the things I’m struggling with. So, it’s all good, I guess.

Work | Is keeping me super busy and a bit stressed and all that at the moment. Because of unforeseen technical issues which take up so much time to solve. And because I think my counterparts in other departments could put more effort into our common projects and then I’m getting a bit pissed and ugh…! But I have lovely co-workers I can vent to over both issues, so that’s good. I still brough home some work to do on the weekend, because otherwise it’s going to be too nuts next week, where I’m taking off three days (Thursday – Monday) before a big work-event the Wednesday (after the Monday). I had planned that time off and booked things many months ago and I wouldn’t have scheduled that work event on that date, because of my other plans. But scheduling wasn’t up to me. I’ll have to deal with it, and I’ll probably check in with work for a short time each of the days even if I’m officially out of office, because I care about my work and this project and this event. Not as much as to cancel my personal plans – Ehm Lost Evenings in Germany, Hello? – but still. Sometimes I wish I could be more like those people at work who just don’t care as much. Though I really don’t want to be like them, because in that regard they suck. But still… the volume of the critical voice in my head was turned up a notch these past few days because the situation seems so overwhelming, and I don’t like it. I want that voice to be quiet! Hence the therapy. Among other things…

Let’s see how long it will take me to write another post. You can find me on Twitter for more regular updates and on Instagram (even though not as much).