22.07.2020 | “To quiet my despair…” *

Life is weird sometimes. Or should I rather say … my body’s reaction is weird sometimes? Physical or mental or both. The circumstances haven’t changed in the last 24 hours. There is still a global pandemic going on. I still have this HUGE project to work on at the office. The project with still a few big question marks re: budget and staff and such. The project with an incredible tight time line. Other tasks are still postponed more than I like. 

We had another project meeting this morning, in a very helpful, constructive, fair atmosphere. I still should have tons of things to worry about. And in a way I still do. But… at least it doesn’t feel like every fibre of my body does as well. The fight and flight mode as been mostly turned off and only came back on for tiny moments of worry occasionally. Nothing I didn’t know before. 

I have no idea what changed. I didn’t get a good night’s sleep. Far from it. The night was too short, which was my own fault as I stayed up – as planned – for the Jaret & Frank chat on Instagram. It was fun to watch as usual and a long part of it towards the end made me very happy. I’m a fangirl, what can I say?

I don’t want to attribute my more relaxed state of mind solely on this though. That would be… a bit pathetic, I agree. The meditation practice helped as well, I think. And possibly even the fact that I voiced all of the ‘despair’ here yesterday.

It might just have been pre-menstrual hormones after all. Or a combination of all. I don’t care. Even though I woke up after less than five hours and half an hour before my alarm, I realized right away, that I wasn’t as tense as the last few days. And I stayed less tense all day. I don’t really care how it happened, I’m just glad that it did…

Lyrics: “Isabel”,  Frank Turner, 2011

21.07.2020 | “I used to have such balance, but I don’t know where it went” *

That (blog title) isn’t quite true. I never had a lot of balance, not in the calm, well-adjusted, easy-going kind of way anyway. I was always a tiny bit too worried. Too anxious. A bit off-kilter. I’ve managed to find more of an equilibrium these last few years. And even after the first few months of COVID-19 shock and fatigue and freeze mode, I thought I’d found a 2020 balance at least.

For mostly unknown reasons I’ve been feeling properly out of whack for the last few days. My body seems to be in constant fight-or-flight mode. Which I usually only experience when I’m temporarily anxious or agitated or worried about something. But this feels constant! All the freaking time. Even when I don’t have any outward reason to worry or be anxious. Nerd that I am, I ‘swear’ on the stress level chart of my Garmin smart watch. And it shows what I’m experiencing. Stressed completely off the charts! I’m afraid it might be a bit of self-centred spiralling going on. I’m feeling agitated about not knowing why I’m so bloody agitated. I hate this.

I have to deal with some important stuff at work at the moment: the future concept (staff and budget wise) for a project we’re taking over and drafting the necessary resolution for the higher ups to sign off on it, is taking so much time and is so much work and there is quite a bit at stake. I’m also spending so much time and energy and thought on this project, that a lot of other stuff, which is also important, is pushed to the back burner, which isn’t good either. So I have some reason to be worried to some degree. But not like this. I hate this.

The notes app on my phone holds various notes / prompts for a blog post. Some other day, I guess. I’ll now lie down for a nap to be woken up by the alarm in about 90 minutes to watch Frank Turner and Jaret Reddick on “Back to the Metal”. It’s time for questions from Frank’s channel today. Yes, I’m a crazy, irresponsible (I need sleep, god damit) fangirl. But what can I say… it’s always fun to watch and as I doubt I’ll see Frank for another 12 months, I’ll take all the online appearances I can get.

* Lyrics: Imperfect Tense, Frank Turner, 2008

19.07.2020 | “Because the truth is, I don’t like people all that much” *

This is not the way I wanted to start this post, but I need to rant. About too many people  already / again / still ignoring the most basic COVID rules and regulations.

I went to a manor house with a beautiful garden today. The website, the signs at the entrance, the free map every visitor got at the ticket booth clearly state the few basic COVID 19 rules. Like: wear a mask at the shops, the restrooms, the café / bistro area. I have to admit that most people at those instances did and still…  Two customers in my queues at the bistro area didn’t wear a mask at all. Two elderly white men. Sorry guys, but in my experience it’s always the old white dudes. Do we have a name for those? What’s the equivalent of “Karen”? Neither of the staffers called them out on it, so I didn’t feel it was my place to do so. But I was a bit pissed off and stayed as far away as I could. This evening I sent a – polite and friendly, I hope – mail to the woman running the gardens, letting her know, that I felt a bit uncomfortable that the mask rule wasn’t implemented the way I had hoped in that cafe / bistro area. That at least made me feel a bit better…

Something that bothered me just as much happened a bit earlier in the day, at this deck chair / pavilion area.

Ippenburger Gardens

Yes, even *I* took off my mask, once I had pulled the red deck chair (on the right) more than 6 feet away from the others. I put the mask back on when I navigated my way back down around the other people. In the half hour I spent there, only about 20% of the people who came and went put on a mask for whatever amount of time. And that’s including me! Some of them didn’t care much about any kind of distance either. “Yes, there is a family sitting already, but let’s just occupy the chairs next to them. Pull them a feet away, so it looks like some distance.”  Ehm, Ladies… it was still only two feet away. Ugh!

Part of me wonders if I’m just too much a stickler for rules and abiding by them. Wonders if I’m overreacting. It’s outdoors and mostly with a enough distance and not too much time spend in the vicinity of these people. That’s why I’m not too worried for myself. But still… it’s not okay, people! Just wear the damn mask for the often only short amount of time  you’re asked to wear it. I just don’t get it! Do those people really not care? Do they think it doesn’t concern them anymore?  

On the way back home I caught the news on the radio at some point. In Frankfurt the police last night had to break up a (probably not distanced) gathering of a few hundred people partying in front of the Opera and some of those people attacked the police. In my state, authorities had to break up an illegal 300 people birthday party with a DJ and all.  In a poultry meat processing facility almost 70 people got infected with COVID. It’s depressing and infuriating, isn’t it? And I haven’t yet mentioned the German tourists partying at Golden Sands in Bulgaria, with no regard for distancing or masks or anything.  

But… besides these annoyances I had a lovely time today and it was worth the long (almost two hours one way) drive up there. Here are a few of my photos. I will definitely come back at some point. I also need to remember to reapply sunscreen. I packed it, so why didn’t I? It’s not really a sunburn, but close enough, I think…

Website in German: Ippenburger Gärten. Open every Sunday from 11 – 18 PM till early October 2020. Thanks to Frau Nessy (German blog) for the idea.

*lyrics from “Once We Were Anarchists”, Frank Turner, 2007

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