27.06.2020 | “I’m Far From Perfect, I’m Still Tense”

Day 2. I have to admit, I’m still not quite comfortable with using the same design here as for the old blog, but damn, it’s hard to find another simple one, with a nice font and not too many gadgets. I’ll keep looking so there might be a more changes around here at some point.

The day is almost over now and it feels like I’ve pretty much wasted the day away. I’m torn between feeling bad about that (lazy, unproductive etc.), but I also justify it with my obvious need for chilling out and recuperating after a busy week. I’ve always had a bit of that tendency. Being back at the office and in the swing of things more and more seems to still take some kind of toll of me. I slept for almost nine hours, which felt wonderful.

I started the day somewhat energized with a trip to the supermarket, where I once again caught myself being overly tense about the person in the queue behind me. He wasn’t crowding in on me (wasn’t 6 feet away either), he was wearing a mask – in the correct way – so there shouldn’t have been any reason for me to get uneasy. I first typed “anxious” but deleted that, because I wasn’t. Not really. But not as relaxed as I usually would have been either. And that freaked me out a little bit.

Self-centered rant coming up [I know my ‘problems’ are tiny compared to the real deal of COVID deaths and sickness and job loss and family trouble and all]. Besides all the wonderful things I’m missing out on – gigs, movies, theatre, hanging out with friends – I think what’s bothering me most about the pandemic is how much it has changed me, even though I’m not directly affected in any way. I’ve become even more of a ‘hermit’ than I used to be. I’m (still) getting anxious and uneasy much quicker and much easier than I used to. I’ve become even less focused and motivated to ‘do stuff’ than I used to. I’m glad that with the decline in of infection cases nd the easing of regulations in my part of the world, I’m obviously less stressed about the course of this pandemic in general for the time being. You should have seen me bitch to guy in the supermarket who wanted to squeeze past me without any social distancing a few weeks back. So maybe I’m not doing so bad after all. But I still feel too thinskinned for my own good.

No real point to this post yet, I’m afraid. I spend a lovely hour or so (absorbed in my book) on my mum’s patio this afternoon. Until fat drops of water hit me. I guess being absorbed in my book made me miss the rain clouds moving in. It didn’t rain for long or heavily though, but by the time it ended it was time for me to head home anyway.

The whole heat / tunderstorm atmosphere is weighing on my mind. Quite literally as in feeling some kind of pressure inside my head. I’ve also got my period, so that doesn’t help mood and health wise either. 

There was another thought or line of thinking I wanted to share, but I can’t remember what on earth that was at the moment.

Daily Digest

Sleep: 9 hours. Yes! Meditate: Early afternoon. Daily Calm: Grounding. [Calm is my go-to meditation app, I should mention that]. Hydrate: Okayish. Sweets & Snacks: A bit of chocolate. An icecream sundae. [I purposefully did not stock up during my supermarket trip, as I obviously lack self-control to have them in the house.] Read: A bit of SZ (app). Bit of “Porcrastination Equation”. More of “Take a Hint, Dani Brown”. Watched: Vintage Gilmore Girls during breakfast. Frank Turner. (see below)


Frank Turner on stage (online IVL gig from Thursday) without a crowd, but still… ☆ Icecream. ☆ Chilling out with a book in the sun for a while (before the rain).

After the rain…

26.06.2020 | “Rejoice, Rebuild…”

So, here I am again. Not quite sure what to write in this first post. Will it set the tone for the rest? Should it set the tone for the rest? I probably should have postponed the whole “relaunch” or “re-invention” thing till tomorrow, when I’m a bit less tired. But I was too hyped about it and wanted to get going. Even in a tiny way. 

I’m not dealing all that well with the current heat wave here in Germany and it’s only been a few days so far. Anything above 25 °C (or 28 °C if there is a bit of a breeze) is dragging me down. I’d like to blame my MS, but I think I’ve never been a fan of the higher temperatures. The thunderstorms supposedly coming in tomorrow don’t help with my physical and mental state. If that’s what it is. I’m also PMSing (too much information? Oops. Sorry, not sorry), which might be the real cause for me feeling a bit icky. 

Elsewhere I already mentioned a bit of why I’m starting over and I can’t be bothered to say much more about it at the moment. To be honest, basically, because I still haven’t quite figured out my need and drive to start over. For now it feels good to be here and to do this. It will be a work in progress though until I’ve figured out how to best use this space.

Daily Digest

Meditate: Sort of. Not a guided one via the Calm app, but still trying to focus on my breath and nothing else, for the first few minutes after I woke up before the alarm. Hydrate: Sadly not enough, especially in this weather. Steps:  ~ 3.500.  Snacks et al. Well… A bar of chocolate at my mum’s. Pizza for dinner, because I was too lazy to cook. More pieces of chocolate now as the evening progressed than I proably should have . Reading: A few chapters of “Take A Hint, Dani Brown” (Talia Hibert). Chores: Nope. Focus: 6/10. (as in “mostly all right” . I think this prompt might need a bit of work. I first thought I’d call it procrastination, because that’s more of my problem, but it’s hard to do a proper scale for that). 

Positivity 2020

A coworker complimented the top I was wearing. It wasn’t anything special, but she said the colour suited me. ☆ Two days without an alarm ahead. ☆ This new space. ☆  Felix Friday:  Always such a joy!

Felix Friday - Felix Hagan singing
Felix Friday – my favourite evening of the week