Lyrics: “Little Life” – Frank Turner, 2022
At the time I’m starting to type this I’ve been by the sea for about 30 hours in total. “By the sea” as in arrived at the apartment complex I’m staying in for the next few days. Not 30 actual hours on the beach. That have been only 3-4 hours yesterday and about 2 hours today. I’m still feeling rather relaxed and less anxious already.
Sort of randomly picked photo from today, to lighten the mood before the next – slightly heavier – paragraphs.
What do I have to be anxious about here, you might wonder? Or if not properly anxious, still pondering on? The annoying cold I mentioned in my last post? Turned out to be COVID after all. I took a third test on Thursday even though I wasn’t feeling any worse and to be honest I did not expect the 2nd line to appear. It was more a “double check and re-assure myself that everything is fine” test. The next one on Friday stayed positive. My symptoms were still mild and by now (Saturday) are mostly gone. On Thursday I was still fretting a bit if it would be a good idea to go on vacation while COVID positive. I wasn’t really worried I might get worse far away from home. I was a bit worried though about exposing others to it. But that’s what masks and keeping a distance are for, right? I don’t have to reiterate the lack of any kind of restrictions for mild COVID cases. So I donned a mask during all my groceries shopping for this trip. Whenever I was in closer contact indoors with other people. Even outdoors on the upper deck of the ferry. Whenever I step into the elevator here. I sent a mail to the hair saloon, where I had my hair cut on Wednesday to let them now that I might have been infectious. I still have no idea where I caught it. It might have been my coworker who was out with it from last weekend, but I hadn’t seem them since Wednesday and I thought the incubation period didn’t match up. But maybe it did.
No point now in fretting about where I caught it. Neither is there a point in worrying what this third infection for me by now might mean down the road. My anxious mind checked in with itself and noticed that I’m not spiralling down a well of worries about what it might mean for my long-time health. Or even just short-term, because the risk of something like Long COVID gets bigger with each time you catch it, doesn’t it?
Right now I’m mostly worried about not being worried enough.
I never said my mind makes a lot of sense. On the contrary. But I did indeed spent some time trying to figure out why I’m not as worried as I expected myself to be. During the height of the pandemic in 2020-2022 I was soooo anxious about it all due to my underlying health issues. Even when I got it the first time in October 2022, I was quite cautious and worried after and had a proper cardio check-up at my GP after six months to make sure there wasn’t any undetected issues. At the 2nd time I was off work sick for a few days, but mostly as a precaution and because I had a nasty cough. I wasn’t too worried over long lasting effects then. This time I’ve gone on vacation.
My perspective on it all has changed so much and for some reason I would have expected to either be more aware of those changes or to have a harder time getting my mind around those changes. On the other hand I should be grateful that I’m not an anxious mess about it.
There is more than enough other stuff to worry about, right? I’m kidding. Mostly. I’ve recently saw a recommendation for “Don’t Feed the Monkey-Mind”, bought it, brought it with me on this trip to read / work through it.
This is on the first few pages and I already felt so seen. Noticing and working on it is a first step, right?
I haven’t done all that much yet in the aforementioned 30 hours. I’m sensible enough to pace myself and not try to do every relaxing thing I want to do in the first 48 hours. But I’ve listened to podcasts. I read. I slept (not well enough, but that’s the first-night-in-an-unfamiliar-bed effect). I read some more. I started over with an online photography class. I edited some photos. I had a walk. I took photos of the waves. I listened to some music. I managed to stay offline to some extent. I hope I can keep that up. Off to bed now and probably not back to write another post for a few days. There isn’t going to be all that much to tell…
