093/2024 – “Waking up Too Early in the City Feeling Disconnected”

Lyrics: “Little Changes” – Frank Turner, 2018

I don’t know how long it will take till I run out of Frank lyrics that in the vaguest kind of way make sense as a title.

Once again I woke up way too early. Once again with the shreds of a weird dream clinging to the memory drive of my brain. Once again part of it had to do with a Frank Turner gig gone awry for some reason. This happened in my small hometown (yeah, right!) so I took Frank home to my mum, who was still alive in my dream and she gave me a hard time for having ruined a parka. No, I have no idea where my dreaming mind gets their ideas from. Once we had figured out where Frank had to be next and how to get him there, I sent him on his way, not without tentatively asking him to put me on the guest list for a gig a few days later which I hadn’t managed to get tickets for. While we were already out on the street. Then I woke up. After the surprise gig last week and me planning trips to more gigs later this year I’m not surprised that Frank gigs are on my subconscious at the moment. But I’m so fed up with these gigs always kind of going wrong in my dreams. What the fuck! Let me enjoy it 😉

old and worn "Keep your distance" sticker on tiled floor
Remember those… ?

I went to have the regular blood test done and get a new prescription at my neurologist this morning before work. There were not many more patient which surprised me, because it’s the start of a month. Thanks to the new “digital prescription” (?) which doesn’t need be signed off my the doctor, but can just be transferred to my card, I was out of there and back home much earlier than expected. A good change for once. I couldn’t pick up my meds yet, so have to go back to the pharmacy later this week. The small extra errands you need to do when you’re chronically ill.

Work after the short Easter break was ok. I didn’t really feel motivated and also was dreading a catch up on stuff meeting with my supervisor, who had been off for about two weeks. Worried unnecessarily, because it all went fine. But like with so much else in my life I always believe I have to be super prepared and have done my task perfectly and am not allowed any slack. Sometimes I think what I consider cutting myself some slack is normal working mode for others. Which doesn’t mean that I consider them slackers, but rather that I am putting way too much pressure on myself to do everything perfectly. Uber-perfectly sometimes, maybe. Something to think about maybe…

I haven’t yet found someone to take the impromptu but incorrectly purchased musical ticket off my hands for next week. I can’t get a refund or swap it for another date either. Trust me, I’ve asked. I might end up going back to London for a night, the day after I’ve arrived in Brighton after all. We’ll see. The travel costs for the train made me a hesitate to do that. I checked the costs for the ride I need and want to take which is: London – Brighton on Tuesday 9th and back on Monday 15th. It comes to £45. Doing the same trip again (other way round) on Wednesday to go the theatre and back seemed expensive. A friend today told me that it’s only £22.70 if I do the trip on one day. Which seems to be true, but does NOT make any sense to me. It’s the same distance. The same trains. Isn’t it?

These days I try to keep up with the news from all over, because I know it’s important and I want to be informed and up-to-date. But it’s hard. There are so many devastating and scary news not just trickling in, but coming in a deluge. I’m well aware that it’s a privilege to be able to just tune out for a while and to protect (I don’t want to use the term ‘close off’) my heart and mind from so much sad and horrible news. I also so often don’t know what to think or say. I lack the words, because my brain and heart don’t comprehend what’s going on. Maybe they just refuse to. On the other hand I feel like I’ve got so much personal stuff I need to focus my brain and heart on at the moment. Does that make any sense? Or does that sound like a weak excuse? I honestly don’t know…

Just because I don’t mention or comment on any of the big global issues, doesn’t mean I don’t care about them. I just don’t know what to say.

Sorting through the photo folders on my hard drive I’ve reached 2020. I had spent a spontaneous weekend by the sea in the Netherlands. February 2020. Four weeks later the world shut down.

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