056/2024 – A “Pick and Mix” Kind of Post

My time in school – back in the day – was rather normal, I’d say. I wasn’t one of the cool kids, but I had friends and in general got along with most of the other students. I was good in school without any real problems. Ups and downs in some classes, depending on the subject and teachers, I guess. I also was well liked by most of the teachers.

There was one moment though in year 12 which led to me crying in the schoolyard over something a teacher had said/done to me. I was 18 years old at that time. An adult in sense of the law, but still a child in so many ways. On the inside at least I was still an insecure, self-doubting little girl then and for so much longer, but I digress. For reasons unknown then and to this day Miss H. in social sciences class that day deviated from the regular curriculum and started a weird speech about imitating and why it is wrong to imitate other people and that kind of thing. At some point she then turned to me and in front of the whole class accused me of having imitated her to make fun of her in the schoolyard. I was absolutely shocked to hear that, because I hadn’t done that. I don’t remember how the rest of the class went. I was in shock. I vaguely remember that I went to her afterwards and apologized (WTF?) if anything I did gave that impression and stated once again that I hadn’t intentionally or unintentionally made fun of her. It’s a fuzzy memory. I do remember crying when I told my friends about it during the break. And when I told my mum about it at home. My mum was no help, I’m sad to say.

Why am I sharing this now? In the slow, snail-like process of clearing out cupboards and rooms in the family home I came across my tests from back in school. Year 7 – 12.

A stack of exercise books and folders from school
The accumlated knowledge of my school years

Miss H. had been my German teacher in year 7 and 8, so I saw her remarks and my grades written in her handwriting at each test. And I caught myself getting anxious just seeing that and being reminded of her as a teacher. I also only got mediocre grades in her class, unlike the years after with a different German teacher. I don’t know why that was, but seeing the combination of mediocre grades and Miss H.’s remarks and the whole backstory from years later made me feel quite agitated on a visceral level for a while. It also made my imposter-syndrome raise it’s ugly head again, because how could a student with these kind of grades go on to get a degree from uni and get a job and do that job for years now?

I’m glad that I could put all these anxious emotions and bodily sensations caused by them into perspective quickly. Three cheers for therapy! Again! I then actually found it quite fascinating to experience first hand how mind and body obviously store emotional memories over decades!

I haven’t looked at my tests after year 10 yet. I hope there isn’t more to cause a bout of anxiety.

The remaining two days at work after my London trip went more or less fine. Busy with meetings and workshops and talking through tasks for next week when my supervisor will be out for a few days. My imposter-syndrome made itself known every once in a while, but it wasn’t too bad, I think. I still a bit too often fear that I’m not doing my job as well as I could, but I’m not hearing any complaints yet so it might just be in my head. It most probably is and I’ll just have to deal with that.

When I wasn’t clearing out cupboards in the family home I mostly took it easy this weekend to recharge after the exhausting trip to London. A trip like this is always fun, but travelling for hours (tube, train, car) is exhausting! Period! And as I had to be back at work the day after I hadn’t had the chance to fully recharge before. So I slept a lot this weekend and mostly did easy and relaxing stuff. Transferring my London photos from the SD card to my computer. In the process I found out that it might just have been the SD card in my good camera acting up and not the camera itself. Fingers crossed. I thought about sharing a few more photos from London, but that will have to wait until I’m in the right headspace to edit some of them a bit more. I also did lots and lots of reading:

Apropos reading: in London I tried and mostly often succeeded to grab for my book and not my phone when I had time to kill. I need to establish that as a routine here at home more often as well.

collage of three pictures of me reading my book. While waiting for the bus, while eating at Pret, at the theatre before the show starts
Book instead of phone

The bad news in this regard is, that the fiction I’ve been reading this month definitely was / is a bit disappointing so far. The first one I read, I didn’t like all that much. I put away the next one after a few chapters, because I just couldn’t get into it. The one after that was kind of nice. The fourth one – the one featured in the pics above – got on my nerves so much after about half the story, that I just had to give up on it after I had come back from London. The one I picked after and which I’m still reading now has a similar “getting on my nerves vibe”, but I don’t want to DNF two books in a row, so I’m plodding on.

Photo of Netflix infos on "One Day"
Netflix ad for One Day

Whenever I put on my background distraction – “Gilmore Girls” – Netflix advertises the “One Day” mini series to me. I saw a few appreciative tweets about it, which made me have closer look (i.e. I googled it). It’s based on a book. “I could just read the book then” was my first impulse and I KNOW that’s not what Netflix wants me to do. But I can’t help it. In most cases I’d probably pick the book over a TV / movie version of a story. So I just ordered this one from a used bookstore, because I don’t have any impulse control when it comes to books. Among other things…

Leave a Comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *