006/2024 – Compassionate Mess

The title is a term Kristin Neff used in the previously linked podcast (recorded in 2021) as a potential title for the book that in the end was called “Fierce Self-Compassion”. My day did not go as I had hoped or planned. First my monkey mind again hopped from one thought or activity to the next. For a moment I considered giving you a play-by-play of that monkey mind. I won’t because I’m mostly too embarrassed about how that insight into my brain will look like.

“Shame” is a whole other issue I should / want to work on at some point. At the communication seminar I took part in a few weeks ago, the trainer briefly talked about how not anger or hate, but shame is the emotion with the most negative energy. After a moment of disbelief this made sense to me on so many of levels. I’m still not going to share any of it.

Shortly after I wrote these first few paragraphs I noticed that my Nextcloud app on my phone wouldn’t sync anymore. It said the Nextcloud installation needed updating, which isn’t something I have much experience with. I logged into my webhost page etc. I did a double backup (two places) of all the files I have in the cloud. Except of my calendar data, which I thought were part of it, but obviously weren’t. When I realized it, I at least managed to make screenshots of all 12 months in my calendar app before all the info there disappeared as well. I should have left it all to a professional. This is the 2nd time I forgot to backup my digital calendar before I needed to re-install the cloud software, but the first time obviously was so long ago that I had forgotten about it until it happened again. Then my IP got blocked because the constant syncing requests from my phone app (?) made Nextcloud thinks I’m a bot and I gave up (for now).

In typical for me impulsive “all or nothing” decision I thought maybe it’s a sign at the start of the year, that 2024 should be less digital and that I should use a proper analog calendar again for the first time in however many years. So I spend the rest of the afternoon / evening driving to the mall to buy a new weekly planner for the year. I had an idea from which brand and such, so that helped.

Picked up some food for dinner, watched some TV while eating it, before I finished this post. The rest of the evening I might spend with starting transcribing all the known and set meetings, appointments, plans into my new analog calendar. First though I will try to work through why the day went so completely off rail and why this made me feel the way it did by journaling about it. By hand. Offline and such.

Photo of an uncapped fountain pen laying on blank page of a notebook

Some thing needs to be done old-school

Reminder to myself

“There are sunlight uplands around the river bend”

Glorious You, Frank Turner, 2015

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