15.08.2023 | “Just Uncomfortable Me”

Lyrics: “Haven’ Been Doing So Well” ~ Frank Turner, 2022

This blog might need a time-out. *I* might need a time-out to make up my mind what to do with this place. I re-started with this blog in a new place (new address at least) mid-2020, when I thought starting over might get me out of my blogging slump. And my life slump. Remember 2020? 

Screenshot of a part of the "About Me" Page
Excerpt from the “About Me” Page

But that didn’t really work as I had hoped or planned. Parts might be due to the upheaval in my personal life in 2021 and my mental health struggles in 2022. But if I’m honest it all also boils down to two things, I think. Content and Motivation.

Content:
I enjoy reading those blogs who give me insights in other people’s life. Which makes me feel like a creepy stalker, when I put it like this. But I just read what those people voluntarily put out there. For me though: I don’t consider my life to be that interesting. I’m single and live on my own. There are no funny or adorable children / animals stories to share. I don’t feel comfortable sharing too much detailed stuff from my job. Because a) I signed some sort of non-disclosure agreement when I started or at least whatever this might be called in the public sector. And b) no one at my job knows about what I’m doing here in my private time. I’d feel bad sharing too much information about people I work with. I don’t necessarily want them to find out what I’m doing here 😉 

I recall that back in the day I wrote quite a bit about my civic engagement in local politics. But this also has left me quite jaded after all these years and I just don’t care that much anymore. I mean I do care on the big scale, but the day-to-day of it just drags me down and tires me out. Same rule applies about those people not knowing what I’m doing here and thus it always tended to be vague as well. 

I don’t have a “project” to promote, sell or boast about. I mean, I do have started (but also often abandoned) various projects over the time, especially during the various lockdowns. At the moment physical (interval fasting, running) and mental health (overall) are topics on my mind, but not in a way that there is a progress to report on a regular basis. And it gets boring to read about very quickly, doesn’t it?

Back in the early days of the old blog I did a lot of TV show reviews. But I don’t watch (new) TV shows all that much anymore to be honest. And I often can’t be bothered to sit down and write about them later. I do read a lot. But I leave my short reviews on Goodreads and I’m not sure I want to turn book reviews into a “project”. 

Motivation:
For the longest time I thought if I just get into a routine to share whatever I want to share with “the world” on a daily or at least regular basis, it will get some kind of routine and I’ll do it as part of my day. But over the last year or two I figured out, that I’m not always that good with routine. Which could mean I should definitely work on that and getting better with it. Or maybe it doesn’t. I’m still figuring it out. But I’m not sure I want to share the minutiae of my figuring-out process. I often started a post in the morning or during the day and by the end of the day I just couldn’t be bothered to finish it. Because I also often thought it was uninteresting drivel (because it’s all so vague). Lately writing a post felt more like a chore than not and that’s now how it should be, right? At least that’s not how I want it to be.

This post here on the other hand: I wrote in about one hour between 6:30 and 7:30 in the morning, because I was awake early anyway and this has been weighing on my mind for a while. So I obviously can churn out the words, when I want to.

This feels a bit like a midlife / blog crisis. Which it might be re: the blog, but not my life. I’m actually feeling ok. Fine even. I just don’t have a good idea how to fill this space with content and that bothers me. But it shouldn’t, because I don’t have any obligation to actually update this here every day. Or every week. I do see other people do it on their blogs, but maybe I just really have to find my own path / idea / inspiration. 

Hence, some sort of time-out is called for, I think. Not a real one though, because I will (probably) already post again this weekend. I will spend a day away on Friday. I had actually planned a spontaneous trip to the sea, but I promised my brothers to pick them up from a gig on Friday night. And I don’t feel comfortable driving 3-4 hours back in the early evening before I need to get into the car again to pick them up. And you never know about traffic to begin with. All just too much hassle. In the last two years I occasionally spent a night or two in bigger cities near by (Cologne / Düsseldorf), taking my camera and just be out and about and such. Just for a quick time out. Sleep in different surrounding than my flat with no distractions which make me feel guilty (like unfolded laundry or a full dishwasher). A different breakfast on offer. So I’ll spend Friday in Bonn (not that exciting, I know, but I haven’t been to the “Haus der Geschichte” (German history after 1945) since a school trip about 30 years ago. On Thursday I’m at a conference in another city, from where there is a direct (slow) regional train going to Bonn and I’ve got the Deutschland-Ticket, which will get me there without any additional cost. I admit that was part of the decision process. Just get out! Go somewhere!  

I’m planning a trip to the sea for the end of September probably. We’ll see.

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