04.04.2023 | Musings after 4 AM

This morning I’m writing a morning blog instead of morning pages. It has to be one or the other as I don’t have time or rather am too scatter brained and slow with everything in the morning to take time for both.

Moon in the late afternoon sky
Moon in the early evening yesterday

Today was a second morning in a row where I was awake around 4 AM. Not wide awake as in “can’t go back to sleep”, but still in a way that all I was after was dozing off in intervals. In these moments I turn the audiobook back on with a 20 minutes timer, which at night is enough to lull me to sleep. But in the mornings I come to the end of the 20 minutes and hit play again. I realized I’ve dozed off for a few minutes within these 20, but it’s not restful sleep.

I’m seriously considering a change to my London plans to include a first morning of sleeping in. We’ll see.

Yesterday was a super sunny day here; still not all that warm, but that’s ok. I was determined to finally take a watering can and a brush to the cemetery to clean off my mum’s grave stone. Because it’s Easter soon and that’s a big holiday and I just thought it should look nice for that. It’s the way she raised me and while it sometimes feels strange to realized what stuck (and what didn’t), I’m fine with it in this case. The gravestone is embedded in the earth / grass so when it’s raining a lot, the muddy water gets into the grooves of the lettering. But as it turned out, the water isn’t turned on in the cemetery yet. Ugh! I brushed off some of the dried dusty mud, but realized a toothbrush might be more convenient to clean out the crevices.

For a moment I considered leaving it be and come back better prepared the next day. Or to go home, get some water, an old toothbrush and get it done. But I also knew that in both cases my mind might either get distracted or I loose my momentum to do something and you never know what mood you’re in the next day, right? So I did my shopping as planned, but also bought a toothbrush, some water and went back to the cemetery after.

All the while marvelling how a tiny “setback” like this would have upset and overwhelmed me so much more last year. In equal parts I would have bitched about the situation and inconvenience of it all and also blamed myself for messing it up. Or something. Yesterday I merely adjusted my plans, was happy to have a reason to spend some more time in the sun and went on with my day.

It still feels quite novel to me to not be overwhelmed by tiny obstacles. I hope it will stay that way.

Nice and clean lettering again

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