27.03.2023 | Some Thoughts on Help

Not the Beatles song. I considered using some of the lyrics as title, but nothing really worked and it would just have been a weird gimmick. More than most of the rest of my lyrical titles anyway.

I’ve tried to establish something like the “Morning Pages” routine recently. I read “The Artist’s Way” in German way back. I really mean WAY back, over 25 years ago, when I tried to figure out who I was or what was “wrong” with me. What I could to about it. How I could change to be someone different. Someone “better”. But I digress, this post wasn’t supposed to be a trip down memory lane of my messed up mind.

For the past few weeks I’ve tried to write a bit in the morning; not every morning, but a few times a week. Not 3 whole pages either. What size of page, anyway? I set an alarm for 10 minutes and just start writing. Stream-of-consciousness and all that. I know you’re not supposed to read it back or do anything with these pages. But why “play by the rules”, right? And I don’t really read them back, but when I notice that I write down something I might want to remember or something that I feel could use some more introspection, I circle it. To get back to it after.

One work-related ‘problem’ has been popping up and been circled a few times and while trying to dig into it a bit more, I might have started to figure out what my problem with it might be. Vague and vaguer, I know. I’m a work in progress. But here’s how I see it:

Sometimes I’m really, really bad at asking for help.

Not with the easy “can you drive me to the train station?” kind of help. Asking for help with the difficult things. Asking for help with the things (e.g. projects at work) I’m struggling with. Asking for help, when I’m struggling. Period. Again… I have a vague idea why that might be. Spoiler alert: Something about not being allowed to show weakness. Something about not deserving help. All that messed up lack of self-worth crap.

I’ll need to think about it some more. One tiny revelation at a time.

The rest of the day a regular day working from home. Some chores. Some local politics stuff, though I bowed out of the meeting tonight. I’ve been more frustrated than motivated by it all recently and I think some things might need to give. But also… I wanted to be home (in time) for Jess Guise’s Patreons only March livestream tonight.

I used the (sun)light when I was done with all the errands to head out with my camera to finally take some flower / blossom photos.

Narcissus, March 2023
Narcissus, March 2023
Spring Blossoms, March 2023
Spring Blossoms, March 2023

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