30.12.2022 | “You’re Not as Messed up as You Think You Are…”

Lyrics: “Reasons Not To Be An Idiot” ~ Frank Turner, 20o8

I’m not sure I’ll be writing a classic, retrospective post about 2022. A lot has been going on. Work. Life. Mental Health. Live Music. Health (aka COVID). Maybe if someone would give me some prompts to get my thoughts about this year in order, I might be willing / able to do a proper retrospective. But at the moment my thoughts and emotions about 2022 are still a bit vague and ambiguous.

I know I should and I actually want to work on various aspects of my mental health more these days. Like literally these days. Using the remaining time off and the “new year / new start” spirit to actually sit down and really think about or start working through things or in my case write or journal about things. I have some clearer ideas how to do that, but I just can’t bring myself to actually start doing it. Maybe putting it down here is an incentive that might keep me a bit more accountable, at least towards myself.

There is one thing that I’m starting to realize in 2022 or rather towards the end of 2022 after quite a few hours talking to / working with my therapist. “My therapist” will never feel a bit weird to say or type. But I think it’s important to state that I did seek professional help for the variety of “self-esteem / self-loathing / bouts of anxiety and depression” issues that have been troubling me for so long. And I’m so glad and grateful that I took that step, because just having that sounding board and having someone listen to some / most of my weird and scary thoughts and emotions and worries and say “it’s ok to feel like this” helped. Tons!

So the thing that I’ve started to realize:

I am OK the way I am.
I don’t have to BE anyone else or DO anything else to be
I am allowed to make mistakes. And I’ll still be ok and still lovable .

Which sounds like a platitude and some might say “Duh! Of course you are OK and lovable.” But for the longest time and even these days still more often than I’d like, my inner critic screams the opposite in my mind. But I’m learning to ignore what the inner critic says or to shut her up much quicker. And that’s such a change and such a relief. To not worry too much – because let’s be honest: there will be a bit of worry for the rest of my life I expect – about what other people think about the way I look. Or about the books I read. About the limited variety of music that I listen too. About the fact, that I’m staying home alone for New Years Eve another year in a row and I’m fine with that!

I am OK the way I am.

In 2023 it will be time to

  • work a bit more on figuring out why my inner critic says those things and thus make sure I’ll continue being able to shut her up
  • work on changing / overcoming all the unhealthy habits, I have formed over the years, because of those low self-esteem / self-loathing issues. I’m not sure I’m willing yet to share details of what those unhealthy habits are. A lot has to do with fear of failure and fear of nonacceptance and such. So the reminder:

I am OK the way I am.
I don’t have to BE anyone else or DO anything else to be
I am allowed to make mistakes. And I’ll still be ok and still lovable.

My blog, my public therapy place; deal with it! 🙂

This post did not go the way I had expected it to go. But that’s fine.

Talking about unhealthy – or maybe better put unhelpful – habits: I had finished this post hours ago. But then I postponed looking for a photo to accompany it, had some dinner, watched some TV, decided to update my “to read” list on Goodreads and Boom: the day went away from me. Story of my life.

Light Art, Dortmund, December 2022
Light Art, Dortmund, December 2022

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