05.12.2022 | “Locked Up, Left Out, Terrified of Everything”

Lyrics: “Haven’t Been Doing So Well ” ~ Frank Turner, 2021

Woah, did I feel anxious and stressed and full of self-loathing from the moment I woke up way too early around 4.30 this morning. Fuuuuck! For no obvious reason except the regular worrying and self-loathing and maybe some of the weird mood from yesterday still lingered on. I’m so glad that I by now often quickly recognize that these thoughts are not true. That it’s just the messed-up part of my brain. I’m still struggling to ignore or successfully counteract these anxious thoughts, but I’m working on it. Bit by bit. Anyway, I was pissed off most of the morning by these thoughts. And the fact that I think these thoughts in the first place. Quite meta, I guess. Meditating helped. Doing my regular rounds of online games on my phone as well. The Frank Turner Heardle. Wordle. And the new (to me) Waffle.

It probably was a good thing that my work (from home) day was quite busy and thus kept me distracted. Weekly team meeting via videocall in the morning. Handled a few tiny tasks about our finances. Did a load of laundry in between. A quick lunch before the next long videocall with another department about our strategic plan and action program for the next three years. I have been in charge of developing the plan and program for the longest time and I’m glad we’ve finally got the ok from the higher ups to go ahead. I still too often feel like a fraud and overwhelmed, but again… I’m working on it.

The long day ended with yet another videocall, this one from the local Greens. Usually we’d meet in person, but we had snow last night and today, so we opted to do it online. I was so grateful, because when I’m in such a mood as I am right now, certain people rub me the wrong way rather quickly. Less so on a videocall and I can hide my annoyance better with just turning off the camera for a bit and roll my eyes or bang my head against the table, so to speak. I’ve been typing most of this during the meeting as well. Multi-tasking and such.

Early night for me today to catch up on the sleep I missed this morning. And be moderately well rested for another long and busy day at the office followed by a long council committee meeting in the evening.

My life is so boring at the moment, it’s pathetic. I’m so looking forward to be by the sea this weekend, though I’m dreading all the things I have to do before that. And when to find the time to pack my stuff for that weekend. Help…

Sunset, Nordwijk, February 2020
Sunset, Nordwijk, February 2020

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