31st July 2022 | How Is It (As Good As) August Already?

Where has the year gone? Seriously. How can it be August tomorrow already? I really have a hard time to not drown in feeling like a failure for having let a lot of the year pass by without achieving…. whatever my messed up mind think I should have achieved by now. Just typing this I think I might need to sit down and actually make a list of all the things I actually DID (good) this year instead of focusing on the opposite. Which is sort of a nice segue to my first prompt.

Therapy | Ten sessions in and time for a first feedback / take stock session. I’m quite comfortable with my therapist, sometimes wish we’d get a more concrete result / agreement by the end of the hour. We’ve talked about that as well. I think I’m making progress, but I’m a bit impatient. One of the things that’s bothering me a lot about myself at the moment is the still ongoing apathy and indecision about a lot of things. I come up with an idea and then start thinking about it too much and then don’t follow through with it. In all kind of aspects of my life. I’m supposed to make a list now about where this applies and think about the reason why I don’t follow through. But also think about all the things I already DID this year (and where I followed through). Also… make plans for nice things first and ignore the “I should / need to do…” plans for a while, if possible.

Yesterday I felt the impulse to grab my camera and leave the house and go somewhere and take some photos. I spend way too much time thinking about where and a bit lacklusterly got in my car, thinking about shooting some nature spots I had considered some time ago. Drove around, didn’t see the appeal anymore. Thought about other photo spots, went home, changed, programmed my satnav and drove to the harbour in Düsseldorf, which is about 45 minutes away. I thought I’d stay for some sunset shots though I knew I might be too early for that. Too early for night photography as well or rather I went back home before it got proper dark. Last time I had been there last fall, I forgot to pack my tripod. Anyway, no proper sunset or night photos, but I’m still glad I went. Got out of the house. I had some food there as well and walked around a bit. Got a bit overwhelmed by the – not even crowds, but just people out there in the bars / restaurants / outside on the steps. And definitely the “Party cruiser” on the river Rhine playing German Schlager at the top volume. But as I’ve said: I’m still glad I went, even if not for a long as I had originally planned.

Gehry Buildings, Düsseldorf July 2022
Gehry Buildings, Düsseldorf July 2022
Dusk at Düsseldorf Harbour, July 2022
Düsseldorf Harbour, July 2022

Work | Still busy, still feeling a bit overwhelmed, but it also seems like I’ve got a bit of a handle on some things. I often don’t feel comfortable demanding things from others, even though I’m in the position where I have to. That’S also something to talk about in therapy. Anyway, I did that more this week, so that felt… weird, but good. I guess? I’m working in a part of the public sector, where the energy crisis, we in Germany are facing this autumn / winter, will require action of some kind. We had to brief our deputy boss this week for a meeting about that, because they don’t know that much about the whole energy supply aspect than the regular boss (on vacation) does. It all makes the whole crisis even more real than I already think / know it is. Scary stuff to get more insight into emergency plans and protocol.

I also mentioned seeing a therapist to another one of my close coworkers. I don’t know how we got there, but I’ve known them for a long time and like them, so it wasn’t a big deal. It turned out, they have been seeing a therapist some time ago as well for some issues and they think about going back or rather looking for a new one, as their old therapist retired. I gave them the information about the service I’m using, so… Isn’t it weird how having mental health issues and getting help for them is much more common than we think? We need to talk about it more.

Stuff | I had other vague ideas to write about when I first thought about writing this post on Friday. All ideas have left me now though. Watching the football finale at the moment, while I type this. I thought I wouldn’t care that much. And I don’t really, but still…. By the time I’ve added all the photos to the post the Lionesses have brought it home. Congratulations.

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