Lyrics: The Way I Tend To Be – Frank Turner, 2013
It turns out I didn’t loose the gloom from Monday. Far from it. It got worse and I don’t know why! And it’s driving me mad because I would love to understand why my brain works this way and how I can stop my thoughts and emotions from dragging me down the spiral of negativity, but… it just happens. I watch it happen and I can’t stop it and it’s making me mad and sad and restless and lethargic and I’m thinking about doing / starting stuff and at the same time feeling overwhelmed with every tiny step “doing / starting” incorporates. Ugh! And by the time I think I have a handle on things the day is almost over and there is no point starting anything so I go to bed feeling guilty for dawdling yet another day away.
It all makes me feel so guilty for not having a grip on my life and being lost in so many thoughts and worries and just not functioning as well as I should be as the adult that I am. Am I just lazy and disorganized or ist that part of an depressive episode? I would have loved to ask my therapist, but we didn’t have a session this week, because of the public holiday we had here. Let’s just hope I have a better grip on things or at least find the right words to express how I feel and why it worries me. Because even though I always had some “lazy” / disorganized tendencies, this is hitting a new low even for me.
And it’s not that I don’t do things or that I am not functioning. But often I only do the bare minimum and I’m not happy about that myself. But it seems like it’s the best I can do a the moment. My thoughts and emotions were all over the place yesterday and I’m so emotional at the moment. It’s annoying.
One thing weighing heavily on my mind these days is the fraught relationship I had with my mum. I think it’s triggered by a few things from the therapy session last week. Not sure I’m ready to delve into that yet “in public” (aka here), but it sort of blew my mind and not in a good way. And it made / makes me feel sad for the little girl I once was and mad at my mum and also feeling guilty for being mad at my mum and basically experiencing every other messy emotion under the sun.
Then there are also tiny moments of interaction with other people – online and offline – where I feel like I didn’t say / do the right thing. Where I felt out of place and not in accordance with the other person(s). I know I shouldn’t care about any of that because it probably a) was just in my head or b) doesn’t really matter in the long run. Not even in the short run. Not at all. But it’s not helping my frazzled state of mind.
Anyway let’s focus on more happy thoughts:
- I have two friend-dates this weekend, today and Sunday. I’m really looking forward to both.
- I’ve started working on my itinerary for my London trip. I don’t want to overdo it, but I think I’ll have enough nice ideas for the few days so far. I’ll probably buy way too many books. I should leave space in my suitcase…
- I’m enjoying “The Lincoln Lawyer” on Netflix. Not sure if I’m just trying to distract myself from all of the above with it, but I don’t really care. I have a thing for legal drama and I like the characters well enough to keep going.
- I have also read / am reading a few lovely books at the moment. More on my Goodreads page. Yesterday I started “Lessons in Chemistry” and I really enjoy it so far.