12.05.2022 | Memories & Stuff

I haven’t let another week go past without posting here. Go Me! Though there isn’t really much to say at the moment. Work and life. More work than life these weeks it seems, which is a bit of a let down after the busy and exciting second half of April.

Orphaned | On this day 33 years ago my dad passed away. It happened out of the blue and looking back I can’t even begin to unravel how much this probably shaped me to be the person I am today. I honestly have no idea who I would be had my dad been in my life for longer. Different, surely. But how? I’ll never know and that makes me a bit sad today.

Almost to the day last year (might have been the 10th or 11th, I can’t be bothered to look it up now) my mum suffered her first stroke. I’m already starting to cry just thinking about how that all ended. That it did end at all. I know, I know, there is a time for parents to pass away and I’ve sort of made my peace with it a bit by now – six months later. But of course not completely and not even profoundly enough, I sometimes think. Ugh! I’m back in my gloomy funk, but at least I own it this time by writing about it and not just “crawling back into my shell” and hiding away.

Shopping | Yesterday’s trip to buy some new clothing for outdoor activities – like hiking – was rather unsuccessful. I looked up the items and sizes which were supposed to be available at the stores. But of course they didn’t have them in my large size after all. Or maybe they might have had them, but the trousers were all stacked up and I would have to pull every single one out of the cupboard to check. And I did for a while, until I was just fed up.

Trousers stacked up at the store
Lots and lots of trousers? Which size? I have no idea…

There was only a male shop assistant around and I know I could have just asked him to help me out, but I couldn’t be bothered after all. Frustrated and a bit ashamed that I need the extra extra large (or whatever the sizing was on these) version of it. And I know I shouldn’t feel like that, because that’s what my body looks like at the moment and at least I’m there in the outdoors store, because I want to be more active again. Still…

It took me a long time to get to this point of wanting to be more active at all. I’ve always been overweight and my weight seems to go up and down every few years. The last time it went down was when I was pretty hooked on the “My Peak Challenge” idea and community and all in 2017 / 2018.. But I started to loose the drive for that in 2019 and then the pandemic happened and my weight went up about 30 pounds and two clothes size compared to 2017. Which was the last time I bought proper outdoor activity clothes. Part of my excuse to stay lazy and inert and living like a sloth was that I don’t have workout clothes that fit me anymore. And that I’d need to loose weight to fit into the old clothes to start proper working out / hiking again. Which – of course – is a stupid way of thinking, because being active is the best way to loose the weight. But my pandemic brain these past two years wasn’t thinking that clearly. So this week I decided to just buy new work out clothes and who cares if it’s two sizes up?

Yeah, I’m still planning to buy some, don’t worry, but it looks like I’ll have to order it all online, which I don’t mind in general, if it weren’t such a hassle. Returning it if I don’t like the fit or if it’s not the right size. And of course all the packaging trash that comes with it. *sigh*

Comfort Food | I know, I know I shouldn’t turn to food in times like these, but… one step at a time. And I only had a small breakfast and small lunch today and I’m gloomy and tired so I ordered pizza (and a salad) to be picked up in a while. I’ll also plan to keep half of the pizza for tomorrow. At least I set the pick up time for later and thus forced myself to write this little post and not go and pick it up right away and then later feel unmotivated or even more tired and thus not in the mood to write a bit. Small tricks and steps and all… ๐Ÿ˜‰

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