A random collection of thoughts as so often….
April Weather | It fucking snowed last night. On the 2nd day of April. I don’t remember there being snow in April around here. I’m sure there has been, but I just don’t recall and I’m not amused. I’m done with winter. Give me some sun and warm days where we enjoy spending time outside. Especially as outside seems the only space where I might feel safe over the next few weeks.
Covid Pandemic | Most of Germany will drop most of Covid-related restrictions tonight. Wearing masks? Optional / voluntary. Isolate yourself if you catch Covid? Mostly optional, as far as I understand the intended rule change. “Individual responsibility” is the magic word here. The thing is, you need people to really care about other people to make that work for a society as a whole. During the heights (number wise) of a global airborne pandemic everyone or at least the majority needs to also care about those who might have not the same level of protection than themselves. Small children. Sick people. Immunocompromised people *waves*. And yes, of course you can say: “Tough luck” or “they can just stay home / not take part in the regular life again” or “they can keep wearing masks”. But it’s not very considerate. And trust me, I will keep wearing a mask in certain situations for the foreseeable future. And probably still miss out on some things, because they don’t feel safe to me.
I personally still can’t wrap my mind around how for instance music fans, a group of people I felt I belong to for so long, seem to consider it safe to go to live gigs, stand in very close quarters with strangers without wearing a mask in venues that don’t require any proof of vaccination or negative tests. With the numbers as high as they still are everywhere, to me that feels like asking to catch Covid. Proof of that? One of my brother did catch it two weeks ago on one of his first outings into such a setting. He’s fine, because he’s had all three shots. But I have no idea of knowing if I were to be, did or when I catch it. And that’s scary as shit. Two years in still! And I haven’t even talked about the risk of Post / Long Covid, which I don’t want to get either, thank you very much. One chronic illness is enough for me.
I get that this is me acting from my “individual responsibility” and I can’t judge other people for acting differently, because their personal risk-assessment comes to a different result than mine. But I’m just so frustrated and also – I admit it – pretty jealous of those people who (can) care much less about this than I do and just go to gigs and be in the pit or at the barrier and have a good time. I sometimes wish I had the physical (health) and mental (anxious mind) ability to be the same. My life would be so much easier and happier. Thus I reserve my right to whine about how unfair it is, that my Covid risk is and will be higher than that of many other people and that this limits the things I do and how I do them.
Psychotherapy | I guess it’s good thing I’m about to start therapy in the near future; in less than three weeks in fact. I really need some help to deal with this worrying and the anxiety it causes. Among other things. Yes, in the post I wrote last week I stated that I might need some time to prepare myself for it. But things changed.
There was a huge setback in my main project at work this week and I felt so bad about it and so guilty, even though most of it wasn’t really my “fault”. And I don’t think there was a lot I could have done differently. But of course my anxious mind went into tailspin of self-loathing about it. So I decided to check out if I could start therapy earlier than May (which had been my original plan, because of all I had planned until then).
On Thursday the network appointment calender showed a lot of openings with quite a few of the therapists till the end of April. Some didn’t fit my schedule of office / work from home days and some didn’t feel like a good fit or they didn’t write enough about themselves for me to make that decision. But the one I had my eyes on earlier already had openings for Thursdays at 11 after Easter. So I was a proper grown-up and booked that appointment and got it confirmed and started the whole process. Yesterday I spent some time filling out even more questionnaires, which went quite deep in places about family relations and such. I will keep you informed how it will all play out, I guess.
Outlander | The weather makes me stay in for the weekend: Catch up with TV shows and books. I finally caught up with this week’s Outlander episode. I admit I’m losing a bit of my hyper interest in it all. I don’t know if it’s due to my mental state or just the way it is. Also, as much as I enjoy seeing Kaheroton, the Mohawk played so wonderfully by Braeden Clarke, I’m not a fan of this change from the book. From a TV writer perspective I understand why they don’t want to introduce a new character for the whole Emily re-married plot and that they wanted to tell in in a more condensed way. But the whole other Indian Agent bit? WTF was the point of that? It felt like a waste of my time to be honest. And also: wouldn’t Ian rather sing in Gaelic than in English? I’m a terrible nitpicker I know… Anyway, I know from the books what’s in store for Ian and I’m so looking forward to this. They better not change too much of that future plot. Other Outlander notes: A loose fitting apron is a great way to hide a pregnancy, I guess. This is the first episode I actually noticed or paid more attention to it. Well done, guys. Not a fan of how they seem to have cured Kezzie from his deafness / speech impairment. I really should be less critical of this show 🙂
Books | The new (audio)book of the “Dale Detectives” is out and I enjoyed the first few chapters this morning in bed. Where I retreated to after I saw the weather outside. We finally learn what really happened at Nathan’s christening 14 years ago and I admit I did not see that coming. Let’s see how everything else will play out. I have a bit of hard time keeping track of events with the “two days before” / one day after of whatever it is. That probably would have been easier in writing. But I’ve listened to most of the series as audiobooks and wanted to keep that up. Also… I’ve still got so many Audible credits and wanted to save the money for an ebook 🙂
I’ve also finally (re-)started a book I had on my shelf for so long, because the plot seemed interesting, but the first two times I just couldn’t get into it. “Dragonfly” by Leila Meacham, It’s about five American spies in Paris during WW II. This time I trudged on through that bit where I used to abort for reasons unknown in hindsight and I’m hooked so for about one third in.
Lazy Days | I might use the day tomorrow to finally clear off my kitchen table to use it to finally finish the LEGO world map I started building a few weeks ago. I “only” need to put the eight parts together to a whole map. This needs space and a few hours of time I guess and I couldn’t be bothered so far. But a wintery weekend and the new audiobook seems a good time for it.