Lyrics: “Haven’t Been Doing So Well” ~ Frank Turner, 2021
I could just link you the song on Youtube (with lyrics) or the lyrics on Frank’s page and be done with this week’s post. Because I’ve been really, really struggling this week. I still do to be honest. It’s just all a bit much. Work. Life. Every fucking thing.
Work | Still feels overwhelming. Urgent and big and I don’t know if I really am not equipped to handle it all or if it’s just my mind playing tricks on me. Possibly a combination of both.
Sleep | My sleep cycle is out of whack as well. I’ve been going to bed early-ish these past few days because worrying and being anxious is exhausting. Unfortunately I then also woke up early-ish and often not as well rested as I had liked. Last night I managed to stayed up until around 10 and then at 3.15 I was wide awake. I tried to fall back asleep till around 5, but then gave up. At least an early morning seems to be a good time to get some things done. I finally tackled sorting and filing the tons of personal files (insurance, taxes etc.) which had stacked up on my desk. I did some laundry. Watched a few more episodes of “Superstore”….
Grief | I’m typing this at my mum’s dining room table, while I make use of her washer and dryer for another load (sheets, towels and such), because putting up those to dry next to my first load would take up too much space in the shared laundry room in my apartment building.
I miss my mum fiercely this week and I can’t even say why. Maybe because she would have patiently let me moan about work. So many tiny things make me think of her and then I’m always getting furious with the world and/or God that she had to suffer so much in the end. Because her life had been hard enough before and she never gave up before or drowned in self-pity. On the contrary. At least that’s what it looked like. We were never close enough for me to know how much some of the things did hurt her, physically or emotionally. I do regret that now, but there is nothing I can do about it. But she’s just been on my mind a lot lately, especially being here in her / our home right now.
Pandemic | Germany will give up most of the pandemic related restrictions in about 10 days. The case numbers are higher than ever. Even if there aren’t as many patients in hospital or ICU, there are lot of medical personell out with COVID, so the situation is still dire. It’s all making me so fucking mad! “FreedomDay” my ass! Not my freedom! Yes, I want to get back to being able to do the things I loved to do as well, trust me. But giving up all kinds of restrictions right now is not helping! At least it’s not helping me. With restrictions gone I will still have to go out of my way to make sure I don’t catch COVID, because there is still now way of knowing how my immunosuppressed body would handle it. Not to mention Long Covid which seems to be something not enough people are really worried about.
I’m planning to attend a few Frank Turner gigs in 5 – 6 weeks. Which in the past has always been a joyous, life-affirming, soul-filling experience for a variety of reasons. And I sincerely hope this will be the effect this year as well. But right now my mind is less filled with joyous anticipation, but more with constant worrying. There will be neither mandatory test nor mask mandate in place by then. I could be surrounded with dozens of asymptomatic infected people and not know it. Of course I plan to still were a mask indoors and especially in a crowd. But will I actually feel safe to venture into the crowd and be at the barrier in close quarters with other people for hours even while wearing a mask ? Might I feel safer somewhere in the back on my own away from other people? But being at the barrier with like minded people whom I’ve known for years has been one of the many reasons that made the gigs such a joyous experience in the past.
I just don’t know what to do and how to act and it’s all making me anxious. Surprise.
Books | One thing which was increased by the worrying and anxiety is my tendency to procrastinate. With basically everything. But this weekend I finally tackled one task I had postponed for a long time. I don’t want to think too closely what other task I postponed by tackling my messy bookshelves. But I’ve been (impulsively) buying books by the truckload these past two years I think. I’ve started and gave up on on about a dozen books or more as well. My shelves were overflowing with stacks of unread books and read books which I didn’t sort into the right place because my shelves were full. So rather on a whim I started to weed out my shelves and put away all the books I most likely won’t read ever again. I made a similar cull a few years ago and I guess I might need to do it at some later point again as well. I ended up with about 25 books in German and 15 in English and spend some time in the afternoon driving by the various public bookcase to donate them. I still have about half left in my car, because there wasn’t too much space everywhere and I felt weird for dropping off too many books in one bookcase just to get rid of them. But now my selves look much neater and I feel a bit accomplished. It’s the little things…