26.02.2022 | “Work Weeks Make Us Weary Now…”

Lyrics: “Dan’s Song” ~ Frank Turner, 2009

Work | I clocked out of work this week yesterday (Friday) at 17:15 with 5 hours overtime in just this week and hot tears of frustration. I was soooo done and felt so overwhelmed even though my supervisor and I got a lot of the things done in a long phonecall working on shared documents. But there is still so much to do and so little time and I’m wondering where the project schedule got derailed and various steps not taken / completed as they should have. And how much of this was my fault, because I am supposed to be in charge and on top of things. But I think I too often relied on my supervisor to tell me how to do things and to take charge. And for this project I didn’t involve my coworkers enough in the past and now it all hangs on me, because I didn’t delegate early enough. I don’t know. Last night I was quite a mess about it. And so freaking tired!

Grief | In the “before times” I would have then just dropped by my mum and extensively ranted to her about all of this. She might not understood all of what I was ranting about, as I think she might not have a clear idea what my job actually was. But still… she would have patiently listened and let me rant and tried to be understanding and comforting. Another line from Frank’s song “Fatherless” pops up in my head “To tut over mistakes I’ve made”. I doesn’t matter how old you are, it’s comforting to know that parents will still say “there, there” (or any equivalent of that). Fuck, I miss that right now! I know I probably could have called a friend to rant, but I didn’t want to be a bother to them. I know they wouldn’t have minded, but still. And I don’t know if they would have been around to listen to me in the first place. And I know this might sound self-centred and harsh, but the wonderful things about parents is that they are (supposed to be) there unconditionally to listen to you rant or moan. It’s in the job description, isn’t it? I guess I could have ranted to my brothers, though they are not the “tutting” type and they just don’t care as much as our mother ever did. Men ;-)! Anyway, I really missed my mum last night! Fuck! I’m crying just writing about it today. Grief comes in waves and sometimes it’s not pretty, believe me…

Misc | I wrote all of the above this morning and had thought to maybe add more tonight, even though I already knew then that I probably wouldn’t. It’s 10.30, I came home from an afternoon / evening out and am knackered. So here are just some more prompts for tomorrow:

Home and Staying vs Leaving. European History I only know very little about even though it happened only a few decades ago. Grief (Again!). Trying to ease myself into the new normal….

Talking about “Home”. I’ll never get tired of taking photos of old, derelict, rusty industrial monuments…

Westpark, Bochum, 2022
Westpark, Bochum, February 2022

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