20.02.2022 | “A Reminder You Could Always Be a Little Bit Better Than This”

Lyrics: “Get Better” ~ Frank Turner, 2015

Mood I | The rain and storm this weekend are dragging me down. Ugh! I made the best of the few rain-less hours we had yesterday, when I went to an old collery / now museum; built in the early 20th century the buildings have got some beautiful Art Nouveau stained glass windows. It started pouring down again around 8 in the evening and hasn’t stopped since. I don’t necessarily want to be outside, but I’m so tired of the rain-spattered windows. All the freaking time it seems.

Zollern Colliery
Machine Hall, Zollern Colliery, February 2022
Stained-Glass Window, Zollern Colliery, February 2022
Stained-Glass Window, Zollern Colliery, February 2022

Mood II | Not generally as bleak, thankfully. I slept alright and while I had more plans to “get things done” today, I feet like I did at least a few bits. Not necessarily in the household chores kind of way. More the getting the inner workings of my mind in order kind of way. Meditating. Getting back to reading a bit of some of the few selfcare / self-help books I have started reading some time ago. Facing my demons / problems more consciously. Because I know I’ve got some and they won’t magically go away on their own. I’ve been half-consciously aware of them for the last 25 or so years and they are still around. So yeah, I’m working on it. Prompted – once again – by…

FTHC | The #1 album in the UK this week! Wooohooo! So deserved. And it’s not just the album as such, where Frank Turner bears his souls and sings about dealing with his drug addiction and his mental health issues, but also the many, many interviews / podcasts, where he so openly talks about it as well. About writing these songs and about his ‘demons’ and how he’s trying to deal with it all. Always so open and honest. His willingness to bear his soul – in song and interviews – is such a huge inspiration to me, even if that sounds like such a cliche; it the best way to say it. It makes me take a look at my own behaviour and my own lack of honesty; towards myself at least. I’m so not ready to share any details of my worries and negative thoughts about myself with the world. But at least admit that I have them and that I should do something about it. Work on it. Because feeling like this sucks. And all my strategies to avoid feeling like that or distract me from feeling like that are not really viable, healthy strategies. I know that. So…. I’ll be working on that. Because, yes: “I could always be a little bit better than this.

Books | I’m back in the mood to read. More than just self-care/self-help books I think. I haven’t been in that mood for a while and that felt weird. I usually love to read. Reading is one of my distractions, which I know makes it a double-edged sword. These past few weeks I’ve only read some news articles and spent quite a bit of time listening to the wonderful audio version of the Dale Detectives. I’m determined to not just start reading fiction again – in fact I did that last night – but also spend some time each day reading the many, interesting non-fiction books I have on my self.

I put “Daisy Jones & The Six” back on my ‘maybe read someday’ pile. I started it long ago and gave it another try this morning, but I really can’t connect with it at the moment. As much as I liked the idea of writing a whole book not in a cohesive narration, but in interview form with everyone involved, it makes it very hard for me to a) connect with anyone and b) follow the plot. If I’m honest though the other reason I just can’t stomach it at the moment is, that quite a bit is about the drug problem of at least two of the band members. And I know it’s a very realistic view of a rock band in the late 1970s. But especially with Frank’s openness about his drug problem on FTHC and the interviews, the whole plot is sort of too “close to home”, in a way. This fictional account makes me wonder way too much about how Frank’s real situation had been and that’s neither healthy (as it’s Frank’s life not mine, none of my business) nor enjoyable to me. So…. maybe I’ll pick it up again some day.

I’ve finally started “Seven Days in June” and it’s promising so far. Sexy romance with also some more serious topics, like disability (hopefully no death, because I’m really not ready for that yet).

TV | Switching between vintage Gilmore Girls (again), new Mrs Maisel – where Midge is getting on my nerves a bit to be honest – and Superstore season 3. All easy going entertainment. All I can handle at the moment, I guess.

Grief | More grief than just memories today, I’m afraid. I’ve been thinking about how to write the blog about Frank’s song “Fatherless”, because I could/can relate to so much of what this song is about; in regards to my mum in my case, obviously. But just thinking about how to phrase it all and how to do my mum justice, because even though the song is a viscerally angry song about a parent and even though I can relate to those emotions a lot, that’s not all our relationship was. Far from it. I’m welling up just writing about someday possibly writing about it. It’s a process. Bro3 is planning to finally deal with all the bank and home owner issues next week. Step by little step.

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