15.01.2022 | “I Can’t Stand Being the Person That I’ve Been….”

Lyrics: “Josephine” ~ Frank Turner, 2015

The title says it all. It’s been another hard week, emotionally or self-reflectingly or whatever. And it’s only been the 2nd week of the year. This does not bode too well. It will get better at some point, right? I have a hard time again putting my finger on what has been bothering me. Bits and pieces.

Grief | Is still a weird beast I’m struggling with. To be honest part of the struggle is that I somehow think that I should feel sadder. Feel more heartbroken. As if there was a rule book and I’m not following the rules and thus failing. Not being a good daughter. The story of my life. Or at least the complicated mother-daughter relationship. It’s weird. This week we got a late condolence card from our former GP. I read it and was quite moved, because it was very sweet and I thought “You need to tell mum, what a lovely card the GP sent us”. *sigh* There are other small moments that make me a bit wistful and sad. This week we also received the “Thank You” cards we picked and I guess I’ll spend tomorrow putting addresses on envelopes, so they can be sent out next week.

Distractions | Still too much, I guess. Or too little willpower to stay focused. I do alright during the work day, but otherwise my attention span is lacking. So is my motivation to do anything. So I keep mindlessly scrolling through my phone. Watching Netflix. For the past few days the new Lynley novel kept my wonderfully distracted in a good way. I was immersed in the story and didn’t have any capacity in my mind to beat myself up over my lack of drive. Or to worry about anything.

Zoo | This afternoon I went to a nearby zoo to be active with a purpose. I brought my camera and snapped a few photos. It was nice enough and all that. For the first time as far as I remembered I felt rather sad for some of the animals. I know there are many arguments against zoos, but there are also good arguments for them. Mankind has done horrible things to the habitats of so many animals and these days zoos do a lot of conservation and education and try to provide good living conditions for their animals. And I’m still not really against zoos, even after today’s visit, during which I didn’t see anything I haven’t seen before. But still.. to see the tiger and the (the male, I guess) elephant in the outdoor enclosure, just moving around in circles, in their so clearly limited spaces. Back and forth and back and forth. Sad to watch for some reason. Maybe I’m overly emotional these days… ?

So my favourite photo was of the robin snacking on some spilt food on the path I was walking on….

Robin snacking on some food…

Bremen, 6 years ago | Well, tomorrow it will have been 6 years, but it was this weekend, so it counts. One of my favourite Frank Turner & the Sleeping Souls shows on that tour leg. The first tour I started to get to know fellow fans who were heading for the barrier and hung around after the show just like me. The tourflag and all that. I had sent Frank song request for this show and he played it. Without giving me a shout out but I rarely care about that, because if I request a rare song and he plays it, I assume it’s my request. Simple as that. Afterwards he confirmed that it was me, who had reminded him that he doesn’t play that song very often, so he put it in. It was also that show in Bremen after which I initiated a hug because I was so happy and grateful, without asking him first if he’s ok with a hug, which troubled my mind for days after. Beating myself up for being pushy and intrusive and all. At that point I hadn’t figured out yet that Frank is a hugger! And he gives great hugs. I miss those…

Now I’ll go back to listening to the bootleg of that show. Here is my favourite photo from that night. Used it for my phone screen for ages afterwards. I’ve never again been at the barrier in front of him at a full band show, I think. I usually gravitate towards Tarrant (or Ben), because the centre barrier comes with so much more bruises from being shoved into the barrier much more than it happens on the side of the stage. At least it felt like it that night. I also came away with one big bruise from when Frank accidentally kicked me in the shoulder as he went for his “Four Simple Words” crowd surf. 😉 So yeah, been there, done that. Confirmed my decision to try getting a spot around the ego-booster on Tarrant’s side from that on forward…

Frank Turner, Bremen, January 2016
Frank Turner, Bremen, January 2016

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