22.12.2021| “I Used to Have Such Balance, But I Don’t Know Where it Went…”

Lyrics: “Imperfect Tense” ~ Frank Turner, 2008

Well, that was a weird turnaround emotionally these past few days. It all started with a being awake from 3 to 4 in the night before last. Frustrating because I had set the alarm for 6.30-ish to be out after 7 for some photos of the dusk and morning hours at the harbour and beach. I did get up on time and went out and took some photos, which was lovely. I managed to not beat myself up too much over not having my tripod with me and not being able to find the best – or what I thought – setting on my camera.

Sunrise at the Baltic Sea, December 2021
Sunrise at the Baltic Sea, December 2021

It all put me in a slightly frustrated mood which might have been the start for the weird funk I have been since. I did enjoy writing a quick blog post about Frank Turner lyrics. I lay down for a nap. I had a wonderful hot stone massage. I made some dinner. I enjoyed a great fundraiser live stream for the Frank Turner crew. I went to bed, slept alright and this morning still woke up slightly dissatisfied with so many things. Felt too overwhelmed and listless to do anything about it though. Had another lazy day, not doing much really and trying my best to not beat myself up about that either. I had a crappy year. I am on vacation. I don’t have to DO anything.

I really need to shut up the voice in my head saying “you brought all those books and magazines to read”. So what? It all was done to give me options. Still… I don’t really like myself all that much right now. Good thing tomorrow will be a new day, right?

Yet another downer post. Sorry. But my mind is doing weird things to me at the moment. I will be better soon, I know. I did one interesting thing today though: Watched the introduction videos for the 4.5 day online retreat I’m planning to attend next week. Yes, retreat. It’s offered by the Plum Village community, which also provides the “The Way Out is In” podcasts I mentioned a few times already. My meditation practice is not as regular as I would hope. My mind is so easily distracted. Everything I once learned about mindfulness years ago and try to practice feels out of reach. So a retreat with long guided meditations and talks and sharing groups might be the thing to get me back on track. New year, new me and all that. It’s worth a try anyway.

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