03.11.2021 | “Lately, I’ve been feeling kind of fragile…”

Lyrics: “Faithful Son” ~ Frank Turner, 2009

Monitoring my feelings | I try to pay more attention to what I feel and think and how I react to it. Especially with uncomfortable feelings I still often react not in the most helpful way. But at least I notice my reaction more often than before. I think. You might wonder what am I feeling? If I’m not worrying about work stuff, that is. That seems to be a given these days, at least a tiny bit of worry often enough. I might need to write an extra post about work and stuff these days.

Feelings I : Most of my uncomfortable as in sad and worried feelings are about my loved one in the nursing home. Go figure. It’s just fucking hard. I personally was having kind of a good day after a busy, but focused day working from home. Then a brother called after his visit to the nursing home and told me that it was a not so good day, which of course dragged my mood right back down. This constant worry. Worry about their physical and mental health. Worry about a lot of organizational things with the staff and the GP, physical therapist and all. Worry about the things unsaid, because we all never learned to say them. Worry about all the things we didn’t care to or were to afraid to organize beforehand. How to prepare for the end of your life? We do have power of attorney, but never got around to talk about or actually set up a living will. They kept postponing it and we let them, because you don’t really want to think or talk about your loved ones – or yourself either – dying or being terminal ill. And then I start wondering what the right decisions would be at the moment, living will or not and then the guilt creeps in, because I don’t want them to die. I don’t want to prolong their suffering either. Like I said… it’s so fucking hard!

Feelings II: Another speciality of my messed up mind: Worrying myself into knots about something long before said something might or will happen. This time: the probable / potential cancellation of my trip to see Frank Turner play a gig in Cambridge in January 2022. More than two month ahead. Quite a few times these past few days this crossed my mind and I pondered what I should do, not knowing at all what the COVID situation will be like in two months. And when reason says “you will need to cancel!” my heart breaks a little and I relive all the sad emotions I went through when I had to cancel my last similar trip to see Frank play in gig in March 2020. Making myself feel sad and heartbroken in advance about something that might or might not happen? Yeah, I’m an expert in that…

Feelings III: All these sad and worrying emotions really shorten my emotional fuse. I’m so often so quickly pissed off about insignificant stuff. Last example: When I came home from some errands there was a car parked at the end of my street with the lights blazing. Blinding me while I drove towards my house and blinding me while I parked the car and I was so pissed off. For no reason really, it was just such a short moment and while it might have bothered me, I could still park my car just fine.

Photo of the day | There was a thing on Twitter today, “Let’s talk about the last destination you went to before the pandemic. Two weeks before the first lock down I spent a very stormy, but still lovely weekend at the coast in the Netherlands. Good times…

Sunset at Noordwijk, February 2020
Sunset at Noordwijk, February 2020

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