Lyrics: “Brother in Arms” ~ Guise, 2020
I was so relaxed and in an okay-ish mood a week ago. And then on Monday afternoon we got a call that turned our whole world upside down and I don’t think I have really recovered yet.
Family Emergency | The state of health of our loved one deteriorated on Monday. Unexpectedly. I don’t know if we should have expected something like that? There were no signs, far from it. A series of tests done over the weekend actually made me think that we had been a bit overcautious to have called the ambulance on Friday night. I don’t want to go into detail here, the same way I’ve tried to keep it vague all these weeks. None of my family (siblings, parents, cousins whatever) knows about me writing here. They probably wouldn’t understand. I don’t know if they might care at all. Either way it feels like a breach of their privacy to go into too much detail here about their state of health. So I’m keeping it vague. Still. But let me tell you that the last week has been hard. Because there is so much we don’t know yet. I guess we’ll have to get used to the idea that we need a permanent place in a nursing home and that breaks my heart. That wasn’t the plan. I got a call from the family member whose turn was to visit today and it doesn’t sound good. Might be due to the understaffed situation in hospitals on the weekend, but it’s just…. hard to hear! My tear ducts are working overtime this week.
Worrying I | As could be expected my anxious mind went into overdrive. About the family emergency and many other things as well. The usual worry about not being good enough. For what you might ask? Every fucking thing. Work. Being a friend. Being a responsible citizen. We’ve got a big election coming up and I’m so fed up by all the campaigning. It’s getting more and more ugly and I’m just so tired of it all. I turned int the 2nd big TV debate tonight, but had to turn off after 30 minutes. I’m so over it. I also already have cast my vote, so… Back to my usual worrying: Yesterday I sent a mail to two friends I have hardly been in touch with all summer, and updated them about the family thing. Being sad and emotional and just getting it off my chest. Neither replied for a day. And of course there are a million possible reasons for that. All good and valid reasons. And still… I worried that they just don’t care. Which is stupid, because I know they do. This evening one of those friends called me on the phone which was lovely, of course. As they are. And it helped to distract my mind for almost two hours as well. Yay….
Worrying II | Being anxious more than worrying possibly. Falling in the trap of mentally unhealthy behaviour once more. “Stalking” people online and drawing conclusions from their posts. Totally unnecessary conclusions and in many cases possibly even wrong ones. I just shouldn’t give a fuck. The utterly messed-up, insecure, self-loathing part of me tends to disagree though. I might need to gather my thoughts on that some more. On paper. Just for me to read. Not sure it will help, but it’s worth a try. I’m utterly vague these days, aren’t I? What’s the point in writing a blog if you skirt around the issues? No idea, folks, no idea.
Other grievances | All minor compared to the above: My printer seems to have broken down all of a sudden. The error message states (in more complicated words) there might be something inside which doesn’t belong there. Great. As far as I can see everything is in working order. I might ask my brother to have a look as in take it apart and have a look. But I guess I might need to buy a new one some time soon.