08.08.2021 | “When you’re out there searching, don’t decide what you will find…”

Lyrics: “Be More Kind” ~ Frank Turner, 2018

Morning thoughts… One of the many things or maybe THE one thing that make my life such an exhausting one – in my eyes anyway – is that I always expect the worst. In all kinds of situation. Almost every day. Even if the worst outcome didn’t happen, I so often keep thinking about how it somehow still did and keep replaying events in my mind. Parsing things said to me to find the hidden negative meaning, because there sure must have been. It’s me after all. Ugh. It is exhausting. I’m working on it, but it’s hard sometimes.

Add a lack of attention span to this all and you might see, why I don’t get anything done. I’m exaggerating here of course, I mean, I do have a job and a life and all. But I often think I could be so much more focused and ‘productive’ (for lack of better term, because I actually hate that term re everyday life), if I didn’t spend so much time worrying about all the things that could go wrong for me in the future or wonder how things in the past clearly went wrong somehow.

I have no clear idea what brought these thoughts on this morning. I do worry a bit (hahaha!) about upcoming changes for my family. About projects at work now that most people are back from vacations and we’ll be able to start focusing on team projects again.

Yesterday I spent the day with friends and their children and they surprised me with a visit to a variety show theatre (acrobatics, comedy). It was my first time back in an indoor theatre venue since the pandemic started. I think. I’m sort of glad they surprised me with it or otherwise I might have worried too much about the whole situation in advance. It was completely fine: track & trace in place, clearly marked directions to avoid crowds of people, lots of hand sanitizer, good airflow, tables spaced wide enough apart, many other little things. We were allowed to take off the masks in our seats and that felt safe enough as well. Step by step back to some kind of new reality, maybe?

Light Art inside the GOP theatre
Variety Show Theatre 2021

Evening thoughts… I did mention a lack of attention span this morning right? *sigh* At least I turned on the computer once more to at least finish and post this. Well to write a bit more, because it feels weird to post thoughts from this morning 12+ hours later.

The day went okay-ish. I wasn’t the most focused at work, which – if it happens on a Monday – always makes me feel a bit bad for the week. It’s not the best start at least. I’ve got the day off tomorrow to take care of the new home care situation and I will be working from there instead of my own apartment for the rest of the week. Lets see how that will go. I’m quite nervous to be honest. And worried and anxious. As always…

Some more random thoughts on work: I feel a bit weird about the new IPCC report. The content of the report does help in my line of work, strangely enough. But it also might mean that we have to make some changes in some projects, because it all gets even more urgent. Which will help the environment and all, but I can’t really figure out yet, what it really means for us directly. And this uncertainty does help with my underlying worrying about… everything at the moment.

Most boring blog post ever? I can’t help it. It’s my life at the moment…

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