07.08.2021 | “I’m Far From Perfect, I’m Still Tense…”

Lyrics: “Imperfect Tense” ~ Frank Turner, 2008

There are so many things I want to do. Things I know I should do. Things I know I should NOT do, but I still fall into the trap of doing over and over again. It’s a vicious cycle of bad habits, physically and mentally. Too much of this and too little of that and every day I think: “Today will be better. Today I will do better”. And the day might start of in a good way but at some point I loose my way, get sidetracked, distracted, overwhelmed… anything. I can’t really explain it any better. Or I rather not want to and admit to all the unhealthy habit I turn to. *sigh*

Let’s consider this post here part confession / part accountability. Maybe putting it out here even in the vaguest terms will make me a bit more inclined to do better. Here’s to hoping…

In my defence: I do have a lot of serious things on my mind at the moment. Decisions to make. Not even about myself, but a loved one and that’s hard. And it’s weighing on me. Did we do the right thing? Will it all work out? Will we be able to handle it all? How will it go? Still vague, I know. But it’s not my story to tell. Or at least I’m just one character in the whole drama and I’m not in the centre of it, so I’ll keep it vague. But it’s exhausting.

The last few days at work were the first time in a long while, where I felt like I mostly knew what I was doing. And felt like I was doing it well. It’s a bit pathetic, that I’m surprised about that, isn’t it? But I felt so useless and overwhelmed at work for so long this year, so I take every “Yay, you did good” feeling I can get.

Not much more to write about. I miss travelling. Every once in a while I look at my daily Instagram Archive and a photo from a wonderful vacation abroad pops up. Or I experience something here which reminds me of a similar moment on a vacation somewhere else. And my heart always gets a bit heavy. My mind knows that we will be able to travel again and we will feel safe doing it. But there are days when my heart has a hard time following.

A few days ago I drove back home from the supermarket in the morning and saw beautiful morning fog over the hills. Was reminded of this. I miss Scotland…

Morning at Loch Linnhe, Scotland 2012
Morning at Loch Linnhe, Scotland 2012

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