06.06.2021 | “Lately, I’ve Been Feeling All Worn Out…”

Lyrics: “Faithful Son” ~ Frank Turner, 2015

*taps mic* Is this still on?

My life is exhausting at the moment, which even more than usual leads to me drawing back into my small bubble of family. I exchange WhatsApp messages with friends, but hardly talk to them on the phone or Zoom and defintely not meet up either. While Germany seems to be opening up more and more as COVID numbers go down, I seem to do the opposite. I’m not complaining, just stating a fact. It’s just all a bit much at the moment.

Our sick family member was transferred from hospital to a nursing home – for a short-term placement at the moment until their medical situation will be reassessed and hopefully the insurance will allow a stay in a proper rehabiliation centre soon, which will give us more time to think about how to go forward from here. Will they need permanent care in a care home or will they be able to be come home with temoprary care / assistance. So much is still unclear and there is so much to organise and to handle and it’s dragging me down. I’m glad to have siblings who do their share of making phone calls to health care providers or picking up prescriptions from the GP, but it’ still hard. A few days ago we all met up and obviously were all anxious and tense and one comment led to another, with raised voices (and tears in my case) until we all took a short time-out moment to gather ourselves.

This all also got me thinking a lot about family and mortality and all that and it’s not a sunny place in my head right now. So many things unsaid and so many complicated relationships. I’m 46 and I don’t feel ready to make important decisions about another family member’s living situation and health care and all that. There is a reason I don’t have children ;-)! But seriously, by now I think this situation I find myself in at the moment, might be easier to handle, if I ever had the experience to be completely and longterm responsible for the wellfare of another human being. I don’t know…

Don’t get me started on the crappy communication from the hospital and the lack of adequate information and advice for us as family members. I could write books by now. Oh, well not books maybe, but I haven’t ruled out writing a strongly worded letter of complaint to the hospital just to get it off my chest. The day to day care there was fine, but they obviously didn’t give a shit about what happens after. But I don’t want to dwell on that.

What I’m saying is my days are filled with my regular office work – still from home, thank God and making phone calls about care-related issues, run errands about care-related isusses, meet up to discuss care-related issues. All with the underlying anxiety that things might get worse. I’m the first contact for the GP and the care home, so you can imagine my slight panic, when the home called this evening. It was just about prescriptions that need to be refilled, but still… ARGH!

Next Sunday will be my +15 days after 2nd vaccination day and as it is a Sunday and I can hand over handling care-related issues to my siblings, I consider driving up to the sea for a day. Depending on the weather of course. Fingers crossed…

By the sea, summer 2020
By the sea, summer 2020

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