30.04.2021 | “And the images that fucked ya, were a patriarchal structure…”

Lyrics: “Black Tie” ~ Grace Petrie, 2018

Two unrelated moments this week made me ponder my skewed perception of myself. And of parts of the world.

I. I was on the panel of an online conference this week, speaking in English for a few minutes to about 150 people all over Europe. It all went well, no big deal. My first and foremost reaction should have been one of achievement and maybe even pride. And I did feel those emotions and still do. And I try to not dwell too much on the fact that I accidentally switched on my microphone later while I was listening to other speakers, while rummaging through my apartment. Oops. The moderator asked me to please turn off my sound and it was all fine. But I was pretty embarrassed, because as far as I know I was the only one with this tiny mistake in the whole 3 hour conference. My mind is so tuned in to focusing on these tiny bits that might have not gone well, instead of me acing my two speaking parts. Oh well, I consider it progress that I can distinguish between those emotions and take the worrying about the open mic with a grain of salt. Nobody will remember that. I shouldn’t either.

II. The other moment when I realized my ingrained views are rather messed up – through no fault of mine, I think, but rather a result of the patriarchal misogynistic world we live in – happened this morning. When I had to to check my first reaction to reading the Guardian article about the allegations of sexual harassment and bullying against Noel Clarke. I had no idea how that guy was. Still don’t really. But I started reading it on Twitter this morning and my first impulse was to give him the benefit of the doubt. Which consequently of course means: doubting the reports of the 20 women. I caught myself quickly and was a bit appalled by myself. I mean, how could my first reaction as a woman be to doubt other women and to rather want to believe that the guy can’t be “that bad”? Like I said I don’t even have any idea who he is. I have no reason at all (sympathy, fangirling whatever) to put more trust in him than in the women. That’s so messed up and to me only shows again how much I have to train myself to overcome all those century old beliefs instilled in probably all of us about women’s worth and all.

Mostly Happy Thoughts… This morning Frank Turner’s new song “The Gathering” accidentally showed up on Spotify. With a release date of May 7th. But still available to listen to. I only managed to do that once though, before it got pulled. Bummer. He played the acoustic version a few times during live streams this year and I loved that. The full band version blows your head off in the best way possible. That’s the happy thought. The “mostly happy” bit… I assume with the new song next Friday there will be an announcement for live shows in the UK this summer. And I’m happy for all my friends in the UK, but… I doubt I’ll be able to – as in be allowed to either from German or UK government – to come over for that. Makes me sound like public enemy #1. I’m not. Fuck Covid.

My show here in Germany to see Frank and the Souls supporting NOFX for Punk in Drublic was postponed from early June to late August. I knew it wouldn’t happen in June. At the moment I honestly doubt it will happen in August, as I have no idea how travel restrictions will be by then. They also changed the venue to one in the city I work in, which gives me all the feels. For obvious reasons, because it would be cool to just drive down 10 minutes from my office to the venue. But like I said at the moment I still doubt it will happen in four months time and that just makes me sad.

Fragmented Travel Memory: My Frank Turner mix started with “The Graveyard of the Outcast Dead” this evening, when I sat down to write this post. Another London memory, back then in January 2020 when we were all so oblivous of times to come….

“The Graveyard of the Outcast Dead”, London, January 2020

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