22.03.2021 | “I’m tired of sinking this low…”

Lyrics: “My Kingdom For A Horse” ~ Frank Turner, 2007

I’ve reached a “My Kingdom For A Horse” state of mind and if you know the song and what it’s about, you will also know that it’s not a good place to be in. Ugh! I’m making bad choices, maintaining too many bad habits. Not of the “drugs and bad sex” variety, but junk food and being a proper sloth and distracting myself from the world and work and chores and politics and everything with too many mindless activities. Watching vintage West Wing and reading sweet, but still insignificant romance novels. I get distracted at work too easily and procrastinate too much and avoid tasks which feel overwhelming to me. I’m doubting myself too much. And then I beat myself up for all the doubting and worrying and bad habits and bad choices. Every morning I wake up and think: “Today you’ll do better” and I might set out to, but then get lost at some point and when the day winds down I realize I’ve been stuck in the same rut as the day before and it’s an endless cycle of just being disappointed in myself….

I’m also a bit hormonal (that time of the month), which doesn’t help. I know I need to snap out of this and I try my best, but it’s hard. The general state of governing and handling the pandemic here in Germany doesn’t help. Someone in my ‘bubble’ and I don’t see eye to eye on some of the existing or proposed measures of restriction and all. I think more should be closed down. They think more should be allowed to open up under strict rules. That kind of thing. We debate and argue and we never ever get to a common ground and it’s exhausting. I really need to avoid that topic with them for some time I think, for my own state of mind. But it’s the all-dominating topic every day and everywhere, so how can we avoid it?

All of that makes it so tempting to just ignore the real world and distract myself with fictional people and places. Daydream about better days from the past or hopefully in the future. But I’m wasting too much time with this mindless activities. My apartment is a mess. I haven’t practiced playing guitar for over a week. I haven’t really been on a morning walk for even longer. I have no idea why…

I don’t know if there’s a point to this post. Just checking in, I guess.

The annoying thing is, last night I had a much more interesting idea for a blog post, inspired by a lovely novel I finished reading yesterday. But then I got distracted by more mindless stuff and then it was late and I couldn’t be bothered typing it up anymore. And I’m in a too cranky mood today to post about it either.

Four more days of work and then I’ve got a week off. Finally. Maybe I can use that time to get some routine and structure back into my life. I’d really like that. Wish me luck…

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