10.01.2021 | “I’ve Been Lost More Than Found”

Lyrics: “Little Changes” – Frank Turner, 2018

Oh well, the shiny or at least slightly optimistic “it matters where you go” attitude from the beginning of the month evaporated quickly. Has it really been 10 days since that last post? Obviously. A clear sign for up-and-down mood, I guess. Right now I feel like I’m in an annoying cycle of lethargy and procrastination and self-flaggelation for planning to do all kinds of things and than not following through. Projects I start then abandon. I’ve got stacks of new TV shows and books I had started to read. And I still rewatch The West Wing for the umpteenth time and started binging a Regency Romance novel series. The comfort of the familar and easy happy escape entertainment possibly.

I was back at work for three days, two at the office, one at home and there are already so many things I feel a bit overwhelmed by. Probably unecessarily so, but once I’ve fallen in the dark “ugh, that’s too complicated, too scary, too much at the moment’ well of despair, it feels so difficult to climb out even though it’s not really. I know I just need to push myself a bit more and still I lack the drive to do it. Not easy to explain.

I started a Yoga practice and abandoned that after three days, because for someone like me, who never did Yoga before it felt to difficult to keep up and even though I looked into an easier one from the My Peak Challenge program, I still didn’t do that so far either. Selfcare is hard if you’re in a bit of a dark space, let me tell you. At least I’m on a 4 week mediation streak with the Calm App and I usually try to get enough sleep these past few days. That’s a bit of selfcare after all, right?

My guitar practice is stalling a bit at the moment. I try to pick up the guitar every other day, but unfortunately it seems that by starting on a 3rd chord I unlearned bits from what I could do so far. The nagging inner critic likes to whisper “I told you so, you’re no good, just give up”, but luckily I could ignore that voice for a while now. And even though some of what I do with (or to) my guitar seems like steps backwards, others still feel like progress, so I’m determined to stick with it for a while longer. Little changes and all that jazz.

Today I met some friends (one family, so all within the rules) for a walk in their city centre. We haven’t seen each other for ages and even though I felt slightly guilty for meeting with someone not in my direct neighbourhood, I’m glad that I did. We wore masks most of the time (inner city rule) and stayed distanced as good as we could and it was outdoors. Fresh air, the sun, lovely chats with good friends and their girls. I needed that.

I need to get out into the fresh air (and hopefully sun) more often as well. Simple as that.

Dom, M√ľnster

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