08.09.2020 | “But you push on through, don’t be denied”

The gloom I felt last night seemed to have settled outdoors today. The sun didn’t really make an appearance and it drizzeled on and off, but it wasn’t too cold, so it was ok. I didn’t spend as much time by the sea though, but that’s alright.

Some time today I spent working on… well work stuff. I know, I shouldn’t, because I’m on vacation. But this is a task I’ve been postponing over and over and it’s for my favourite project at work (international etc.) so I felt obligated. And it’s interesting stuff I don’t get to do at the office usually or don’t have to time for. That’s my excuse. And I need to work on that a bit tomorrow as well, but that’s fine.

But I had also booked a visit to the lighthouse drove down there in the early afternoon. I have a thing for lighthouse for some reason. And if you can actually get inside and climb up I’m usually up for it as I was today. But holy shit, I’m out of shape; it’s a bit worrisome.

Lighthouse on Ameland, NL
Lighthouse on Ameland

I had a nice time though and rewarded myself with coffee and cake at the beach cafe on this side of the island. Mask are not mandatory indoors here in the Netherlands, at least not in most places I’ve been to so far, which haven’t been many. But it feels a bit weird for me. And obviously the other German tourists – of which there are a few – don’t feel like wearing a mask indoors either. I don’t get it. I just stayed away from most people or at least in a safe distance. As safe as I considered necessary anway.

Most of the time today though, my mind was preoccupied with a mail I was planning to send and did indeed send in the afternoon. It was about standing up for myself and demanding stuff that has been promised to me and to be strict with them, who had made that promise in the first place, but had then been ‘ghosting’ me for months. Sounds circumspect, I know, but I don’t feel comfortable being any clearer. And it’s not about that promise as such, but more about the whole introspection into my own warped sense of (self-)worth and all that, which writing and sending this mail brought up. Because in this case I was clearly entitled to be strict and to demand action and all. And still… I checked and double-checked if my mails had really got sent or if I had missed a mail from them in the meantime. I thought of various excuses why they might haven been ignoring me. I worried about all kinds of possible unpleasent outcomes and hurt feelings and egos. On their part. Not on mine. Mine was already hurt by their negligance, but… obviously that doesn’t count in my own mind. Sounds messed up? Yeah, welcome to my life.

Seriously it’s been a weird few hours. Because on the one hand the logical part of my mind knew very well that I was in the right and they were in the wrong and I had every right to be cross with them. But the emotional part of my mind (is it still the mind or rather the soul?) didn’t quite agree and always tried to find fault with me and my line of thinking. Lacking self-confidence is exhausting, let me tell you.

In the end my strict mail resulted in a long apologetic reply from them and I think I can work with that. I obviously made my point and successfully stood up for myself. Go me! It’s a bit of a novel feeling. But it was fascinating to experience myself react on the rational and the emotional level, because this had been such a isolated event where the roles and responsibilites were quite clear and not muddled as they usually are in everyday life where we all have so many different relationships to each other. Does that make sense? Anyway, I stood up for myself and ‘won’ and that feels pretty damn good. 

Lyrics: Hand Me Downs, Arkells, 2018

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